Thursday, March 20, 2008

Whats in a name...

When I was in Swaziland my name used to get me laid a lot, it was the greatest pickup line.
Me - Hi, my name is Lihwa
Her - Unique name what does it mean?
Me - Translated from Sotho to Swati it means Likhwa
Her - Do you know what that means in SiSwati?
Me - No
Her - Its a handsome guy who is loved by women
Me - Stop it youre making me blush
......and the next thing I know she is screaming it while we fuck.
The thing I forgot to mention in Swaziland was that my name translated to Swati actually meant Lifa, which is inheritance/heritage I am not quite sure.
Have you ever noticed that some parents give really optimistic names, I remember I once learnt with a guy called Handsome who was far from being that. My high school bully was called Musa, but he never showed me mercy, and Angel turned out to be the kind of girl her mother always warned her not to play with.

Kwaki

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Strike

Well the bored students of UNIVEN decided to go on strike today, conveniantly during my lesson. They are complaining about some guy stealing a few million rand meant for the students, as if marching around and vandalising property will bring it back. This just might mean a longer easter weekend than anticipated. Now I just have to decide where to go, visit Nelspruit and enjoy over a couple of drinks with the diva or go to Joburg and enjoy over a couple of shags with the girlfriend ....... tough decision there. Am using internet cafe since they closed the student computer lab and my time is up, later

Whose your uncle??

Monday, March 17, 2008

Sex and marriage

Scientists have discovered a food substance that reduces a womans sexual drive by 90%, the wedding cake. I got an interesting email today and seeing as no one in blogland seems to be having any problems I decided to post it instead.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365times. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching soapies
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times y you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING....... TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and some one kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was runny
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion afterthinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on T V

Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Well I guess there is always two sides to every story, by the way Venda is cold today.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Virgin..

Dear Kwaki

I am a teenage girl who recently matriculated and am now studying at University, the thing is I am a virgin and truthfully speaking the thought of sex scares me and I find it disgusting. I hear my friends talking about it all the time and sometimes I am forced to lie because the only thing I have ever done is kiss, which I enjoy a lot. Am I normal ??I consider myself to be quite attractive and I have been getting lots of attention from fellow male students and there is one I am interested in, what do I do????

Virgin

Dear Virgin

For a while there you got me thinking I had got an e-mail from Richard Branson until I read your message. I am impressed you even survived high school without losing your virginity from what I hear some kindergarden kids have more experience than you. Anyway the way you talk about sex I presume you expected that the first guy to chow you would use a fork and knife. Sex is disgusting, it was meant to be enjoyed that way. It is a pleasurable process which has bodily fluids flying in all sorts of directions, you will get to kiss some guy who has morning breath the next day. That is just the way it is and the sooner you get off your high horse and realise this, the better your first time will be. Bear in mind sex is an aquired taste, it gets better with time and more exploration of yourself to find out the best positions that give you the required satisfaction so masturbate a lot. Be safe at all times trust no one and never do something out of pressure. Usually I am an asshole when answering people but you caught me in a good mood, i just had sex ..... so you see it cant be that bad. By the way if you happen to be in UNIVEN my room number is ..........

Kwaki

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

My acceptance speech

Won a Kasie blog award for most humorous blog and am still working on my acceptance speech, but my therapist will definitely be included.....unless she sends me another bill this month for her therapists bills. Go figure, I must be really fucked up to send my therapist to therapy. Kasie blog awards aside went to the SA Blog awards site and can you imagine the horror when I saw this "Please note, that due to insufficient nominations for any contest, the following categories have been discontinued from voting: Best GLBT Blog, Best African Language, Best Post about SA Blog Awards, Best Social Upliftment, Most Controversial Blog" OK I wouldn't know about the first one but I could come up with a few nominees for the other ones. Best African language would have to go to Kliffoday for posting his blogs in a language quite similar to English. Best Post about SA Blog Award would have to go to Kasiekulture for his post last year on the blog awards which raised so much debate and saw some of us frantically subscribing to Afrigator with the hopes of being nominated, little good that did us. Best Social upliftment would have to go to the Holy Nigga who turned his girlfriend dumping him because of monetary issues into a church dedicated to the pursuit of money ... OK let me rephrase that, I meant a church openly dedicated to the pursuit of money after all lets face it they all are. Most Controversial blog would have to go to me ..... just for the sake of nje.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Terms and conditions apply

Entering a relationship without caution is like going to buy a cellphone using the catalogue price without reading the fine print. There are always hidden costs and sacrifices involved it sucks. This applies to one night stands as well as I have recently found out, makes you wonder if anything in life is really as it seems. Ahh well, just another lesson I guess. Never make hasty decisions otherwise you might find yourself settling for something you hadnt bargained for. Until later ..... who's your uncle.