LIFE

More words of wisdom

2008-11-26T14:01:00.002+02:00

In life never be moved like Mugabe.
Never give up like Tsvangirai.
Grab opportunities like Mutambara.
Strive to grow like Zimbabwean inflation.
When they chase you away keep coming back like the zeroes on the Zim dollar.

And you thought nothing good could be said about the situation in Zimbabwe.

A sad day in history.

2008-11-26T13:44:00.001+02:00

A message to all members of Sondeza.com

Hi Sondezees,

Due to a number of legal reasons we have been forced to stop Sondeza.com. We'd like to thank all our members for making Sondeza the best Adult Social network in SA. At this stage we are not sure how long it will take to bring Sondeza.com back to life again.

We'll be doing online marketing, consulting and website development.If you want your business to succeed online you can get in touch with us on sondeza@gmail.com

Thank you,

Regards,
Sondeza Admin Team
sondeza@gmail.com

Visit Sondeza.com at: http://www.sondeza.com

Penis envy

2008-11-20T16:18:00.000+02:00

Why is it that the regular women in my life have the tendency to christian my penis with a name. This means Charlie (current name of my dick) has had numerous name changes and I hope this doesnt lead to him developing a multi personality disorder or worse yet schizophrenia. Now I dont mind the name calling but sometimes charlie gets more attention than me during sex and although i understand he plays a huge role in the sex, my presence in the room should at least be aknowledged. If you are going to scream a name, scream mine not Charlies....after all how do I know you didnt name my dick after an ex-lover?
Am coming back to Nelspruit sometime next week.

Curse or a blessing?

2008-10-20T12:06:00.001+02:00

One fine day in the past month i discovered to my anguish that a man called horse was human again, ok let me rephrase that; my dick shrunk. I dont know how it happened but it didnt have the effect i thought it would. I initially thought my reputation was going to go down the drain but infact it kinda motivated me to be a better lover. In the past i used to stick my dick in the pussy and by my shear size alone i knew i could touch intimate places without knowing where they were. Now since i cant rely on size i have had to rely on skill. It has actually made me more explorative in my lovemaking and if ever i can regain my size again i will rock.

I tried this

2008-10-07T16:20:00.002+02:00

I got this e-mail from a friend of mine...

Here's something for all you medical know-it-alls:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It is called the 'anal optic nerve'. It's responsible for giving
people a 'sh!itty outlook' on life or for you Afrikaans know-it-alls
-'n kak gedagte.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your @ss, and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Interesting ain't it that some people wonder why their bum fluff exists????

That time of the year again

2008-09-19T15:47:00.009+02:00

Yeah, its spring and we welcome all the less than conservative women out there who show enough skin to make Sondeza.com blush (to Kasie how u discovered that site is beyond me but God bless your site tracking skills), but more importantly than bum riders and mini skirts its my birthday on the 23rd of September. My birthday was made for partying hence there is a public holiday the day after, so u can nurse your hangover before going back to work the next day. Diva congrats on your job, more especially your car....cant wait too take it for a spin.

Craziest thing I did so far was walk around my campus residency naked on spring day accompanied by two beautiful and equally naked women. So I just introduced the naked mile to Venda, too bad I didn't capture the whole thing on camera for Sondeza.com

Later,I have a shitload of assignments that refuse to write themselves.

Your uncle is back

Driving for dummies

2008-09-19T15:47:00.006+02:00

If I was a fly on the wall

2008-09-19T15:47:00.004+02:00

I always wondered what Bob talked about in private...

Chain letters

2008-08-04T14:05:00.002+02:00

Dont u just hate chain letters? I used to have penpals until they started sending me silly messages about people who had died after not sending that particular letter to twenty people, then chain letters invaded e-mails as if we didn't have enough junk mail from people who want to enlarge our penises and sell us viagra. Luckily when sms revolution started it was too costly to text chain letters, but alas there was Mxit. Some people who have nothing better to do than abuse their fingers are busy sending lengthy chain letters some of which claim to date before mxit even came to be. Some people seriously need to get laid.

Todays Proverb "It requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum" - Ghana.
This is what someone told Mbeki before he started talks with Bob, hence the quiet diplomacy. He knows better than to just swat the evasive bugger with a hammer causing more damage to his own country i.e, his balls. Some situations just need to be handled with care or they might backfire. Until then Kwakis your uncle.

Briefly

2008-07-22T14:44:00.003+02:00

I want to break down the last couple of weeks of my life in brief. Firstly me and former girlfriend made a clean break, this time for good. I got tired of a yo-yo relationship. Went to Nelspruit and had some fun moments with friends including a punctured tyre and a rather weird form of marketing. When we decided to leave Miss Barberton there was Kaos at the gate so I knew there would be a lot of pick pockets so I stashed all the contents of my pockets in one pocket and kept my hand in there as I pushed myself out. Then when I got out I discover people have been stuffing their business cards in my pockets, like I was gonna do business with someone who could do that. I also discovered that alcohol is cheaper in Golf Clubs, I should take up golf seriously. There was a tournament hosted by Vision 2000 last week Friday and the prizes for a days golf were plasma screens and laptops, complimentary prizes for just attending were heaters and some pretty nifty gadgets and there were even some prizes left behind and people were welcome to them. I really should take up Golf. On Sunday hitch hiked my way to Venda and it was some scary shit as it got dark before I could get anywhere near Thohoyandou. I remember some black tinted taxi with 666 as the digits on the number plate pulling over for me and I started reciting what little of the 'Lords prayer' I still remembered. But the guy was quite friendly and helped me out a lot. Well until then Kwaki is your uncle.

Will try explaining an African Proverb in each post starting with "When a man is stung by a bee, he doesn't set off to destroy all beehives". This could be applied to people who just because they dated dead beat losers go on to take it out on the entire opposite sex. Could have also come in handy to George Bush after the 9/11 attacks and he wouldn't have invaded Iraq making a complte full of himself and ruining the lives of innocent people.

African Wisdom

2008-07-12T19:56:00.002+02:00

"When a man is stung by a bee, he doesn't set off to destroy all beehives" - (Kenya).

"The man who marries a beautiful woman, and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem" - Ethiopia.

"A short man is not a boy" - Nigeria and "No matter how hot your anger is, it cannot cook yam" - Nigeria.

"It requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum" - Ghana.

"If the throat can grant passage to a knife, the anus should wonder how to expel it" - Seychelles.

"The frown on the face of the goat will stop it from being taken to the market" - Nigeria.

"An old lady feels uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb" - Ghana.

"The same sun that melts the wax, hardens the clay" - Niger.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there" - Uganda

"There's no virgin in a maternity ward" - Cameroon.

"A child can play with its mother's breasts, but not its father's testicles" – Guinea.

Some words of advice

2008-06-24T13:16:00.003+02:00

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

A bus station is where a bus stops..
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say.........

Finished exams

2008-06-24T13:05:00.002+02:00

Finally and since I am not going to joburg anymore the road to nelspruit beckons, are you guys ready? Will be there after the weekend would have come sooner but I am never one to refuse free rides. See you soon.

Nice from far but far from nice

2008-06-22T13:35:00.002+02:00

We were all born intelligent then education ruined us, especially science. I have always hated science with its facts and all, I believe facts have diluted our spirituality and therefore we are not living towards our full potential in terms of the things we can do. There is one fact I believe though, light travels faster than sound. Why that fact only you may ask, well allow me to answer. Have you ever met people who seemed bright until you hear them speak and they show you the depths of their dullness, so you see light does travel faster than sound. If you dont get it dont worry you are probably one of them. I have realised that women seem to like me from a distance as well until I talk. The thing is I am a self proclaimed pervert, I dont believe in censorship of thoughts and speech because I hate having to think up a proper word or phrase for what is on my mind. When I want to fuck I want to fuck, I hate going through long winded stories in order to get laid. Dont ask me if I love you if I havent told you, dont make me choose between you and my girlfriend, and stop bragging to your friends about the superlative experience I gave you in bed and have the nerve to ask me why I slept with them when they knocked on my room at 12:34am naked.... what the hell was I supposed to do? Just venting off a couple of frustrations never mind me.

Am feeling a bit cranky today, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed ..... even though it is a single bed. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

Later

EXAMS

2008-06-13T14:11:00.003+02:00

I dont really mind school ..... seriously I dont, its a great place to get high, stoned, fucked and sloshed. The only problem I have with it is the part where I actually have to learn. Lets face it if they took learning out of the equation we would have less dropouts. I am currently writing exams and its as if the lecturers were targeting those days when I bunked lessons to give the rest of the class the essential exam material. I swear there is a conspiracy against me, why do i have to be the only one not smiling after an exam. Oh; I saw Steavy Boys new website and I have to admit Shan G is good in designing, there is a picture of yours trully sitting in his former office. (Pic gallery number 8)Ahhh nostalgia. Anyway will be gracing Nelspruit soon after a brief conjugal visit in Joburg, not even Xenophobia can stop me from getting some. Oh and I have a lunch meeting in Nelspruit with a beautiful woman, by the way are we still on? Until then Kwaki is your Uncle

Another reson why Mugabe should lose

2008-06-03T16:19:00.002+02:00

Ok so maybe its not a good reason but hey, who cares. I just need him to lose so these facts can beat the JFK vs Lincon assasination facts posted by The Diva.

Mugabe was 56 when he became Prime Minister, elections where held on the 29th and it was on a Saturday..... Morgan is 56 and elections where held on the 29th and it was on a Saturday

Mugabe was 28 when MT was born , MT was 28 when Bob came to power in 1980 , MT will take power from Mugabe after ruling for 28yrs

Coincidence?I think not...........

Whose your uncle Bob?

some scary shit

2008-05-27T06:01:00.001+02:00

How many men have ever experienced this. You will be in bed or the couch usually alone and then you feel a presence pinning you down and suffocating you. You cant scream, talk or move. Usually someone walks in and the presence just lets go or it lets go of its own accord. All the guys I have ever asked this have admitted to having the experience, usually in their teenage years. It doesn't matter where they are from or what race they are. They all swear it wasn't a dream and as a fellow victim to the phenomena I can vouch to that. Last year I had another run in with the presence and I am now almost certain it is female, dont ask me how i managed to come to that conclusion. If there is someone out there who is wiser to the phenomena please enlighten us. If you have experienced this as well please share, and does it also happen to females?

More agonies of an agony uncle

2008-05-26T15:19:00.003+02:00

The people said it, I just post it and this time I will just answer

Dear Kwaki
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my DVD player?
(Get a new DVD Player or new DVD's whichever will cost your stupid ass more)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
(I think I know you)

Dear Kwaki
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
(Because his own is ignorant, thats why)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I joined the Navy to see the world.I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
(I got married to have sex, now that I have had it how do I get out.... ok maybe yours is a bit complicated, try quiting)

Dear Kwaki
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist a visit an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
(Nice observation, must be hereditary)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
(I am just confused here)

Dear Kwaki
My mother is mean and short-tempered.I think she is going through her mental pause.
(Seems like your mental just stopped)

Dear Kwaki
I read a certain Agony Aunties column where she told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
(You got it bad)

mxit

2008-05-26T01:44:00.000+02:00

you can now get your uncle on mxit. just invite me the number is 0822285619. advice for only 2 cents a message, or we can have mxit sex.... its slowly replacing phone sex.

The reason I haven't been posting

2008-05-25T17:14:00.003+02:00

But seriously people out there can be dumb had a few letters from deeply troubled souls that left even me speechless.

Dear Kwaki

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
(Maybe he will make sure you dont get the evidence this time)

Dear Kwaki

I was married to Lihwa for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
(are you on drugs)

Dear Kwaki

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
(You should get a D.N.A test and while your are at the hospital pass by the psychiatric ward)

Kwaki

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.Do you think they could be Lebanese?

( ahh.... I dont even have a come back for this one)

Incest

2008-04-23T11:44:00.003+02:00

Dear Uncle
I think I'm in love with my cousin, your daughter and I read in newspapers that it's natural but you know many things are natural but we tend to keep on acting like they are unnatural. Uncle, dogs screw their mothers (bitches) to produce their siblings who also happen to be their children and the last time I interviewed a dog it said it was natural. Also this other sexpert named Drog (a dog as well) told me that it isn't anything new for cousins to feel attracted to one another,especially when they didn't grow up together. Should I whip my cousin uncle or should I spare the rod for some other child who deserve it?

Kasie

Dear Kasie

This has to be the most disturbing confession I have ever heard; not that you are attracted to your cousin, but the fact that you can have conversations with dogs. First and foremost what is natural to dogs isn't so natural to us, unless you have the urge to eat your vomit and smell other peoples assholes [although you did write that book " Taste of my vomit".... Hmmm]. Reality though is you are not the only one who has these urges, porn in the 70's and early 80's usually ran the incest theme and if we were all to be honest with each other; the truth is our early experiments into intimacy were usually with our cousins. Now as to the matter at hand, you already know she is your cousin irregardless of the fact that you didn't grow up together; had you whipped her before you knew that, you wouldn't seem like a pervert. Sorry I don't make the rules society does, but society also does say you should keep it within the family so maybe you should go for it considering this might be your only chance to get some. The only problem I have is that she is my daughter, so agony uncle aside if I see you anywhere within a 360 degree radius of her I am going to shove a hot copper wire down your pee hole till it's bladder deep and castrate you with a blunt rusty knife.

Remember Kwaki is your uncle

PS - Stop talking to the K9 species, or you will end up drinking from the toilet bowl.

Missing friend

2008-04-18T15:57:00.002+02:00

Dear uncle Kwaki
I have this friend hu has just disappeared from the face of the earth, the last i heard he was in venda but now i'm not really sure since i haven't heard from him in days or is weeks i'm not too sure.I even suspect that maybe he has been adapted by aliens or maybe the parts ppl finally got him and took his manhood...Pls tell me what to do to find my friend, shud i start calling all the mortuaries or contact every police station and start printing out posters. I'm getting worriedYours sick with worry
Ms D

Dear Ms D
Your friend sounds like a great guy and I think your letter to me shows that you might possibly have deeper feelings for him, I suggest the next time you see him shag him and I promise you he will remember to be in touch. He sounds like a sexually appreciative handsome fella and so when you shag him dont ration out the pussy, give him your all ..... fetishes included. His manhood sounds like an impressive tool for people to want to kidnap it so I would suggest you worship it. Dont worry he is probably still alive thinking of why the hell he never shagged you before he left Nelspruit.

Kwaki

I feel special

2008-04-17T15:37:00.002+02:00

Have been away for a while, I just couldnt post at the UNIVEN computer lab it being so slow and all. Its nice to know people do miss me sometimes kind of eases the stress I am going through with my girlfriend right now. So remember back in the days when the war between men and women took a musical side. One of them would throw a punch and the other would reply. This saw us having to endure leeches whose fame depended on the sucess of more creative artists. When taht girlie group released no scrubs some guys who called themselves somekind of thieves released no pigeons. Recently the trend has reappeared and when Neo spilled his guts out on "So Sick" some woman claiming to be the lady of Neo's creativity replied him. Sean Kingston talked about beautiful girls and whatsername started singing about beautiful boys. DJ Cleo did Sis'ngihamba nawe and Arthur...wait thats another issue alltogether. Anyway remember that email I posted on my blog some time ago about installing Wife as an operating system, guess what they came up with another one

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

I know what you're thinking...

2008-04-11T13:50:00.000+02:00

You are probably thinking I had aproblem with fingerprints again eh; wrong, the internet this side is so congested I couldnt even log in to blogger or post comments. Dont have anything to say really just letting you guys know I am still alive, no one has robbed me of my body parts yet.My greatest fear when moving this side was that I had just watched an episode on special assignment about how some guys where standing trial for robbing body parts for vodoo purposes, among them was a priest (which gave me a damn good reason not to attend evening prayers on campus). I have been doing a little investigative journalism by walking the streets of Thohoyandou at night all alone and have met a few suspect characters one of which visibly had a knife in his pocket, but none of them seemed interested in me. I guess my body parts have been used so much they are probably worth nothing.

Later

Tying the knot

2008-04-03T11:56:00.000+02:00

Marriage is made out to be this neccessary evil that we have to go through and since I have never been hitched myself I cant say much about the topic but there are people who believe that every man should get married at some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life! I am not really thinking about getting married anytime soon but my decision to go back to school was largely based on that possibility. I just wanted something to fall back on in case my alcohol induced business ideas fell through because women are demanding. The only reason you may have seen me walking hand in hand with my girlfriend at Balfour Mall was because I was afraid if I let go of her hand she would start shopping. In the words of Oscar Wilde "Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others."

Jealous lover.

2008-04-03T11:41:00.000+02:00

Since no one has been approaching me with their problems of late, I decided to go around blogland looking for problems and lucky me the "caricaturist" had a cry for help on tjo-tjo-tjo. And I quote -

"so after numerous heartbreaches and being quinea pigged by men. Shame on me mind you. i dcided to take a backseat on life and sorta let it past me by. figured some getting to know me would do me good, cos very soon the bio-clock is gonna get on the grind and we need to sift through the riff raff a.s.a.p. But now, for us (that being me myself and i - i prefer to think of myself in the plural its more holistic. thank the greeks) to be able to do this efficiently, we need to know ourselves to better understand what is best for us.

so then in my disinterest in fly-by-night individuals, i dcided to develop a very mild case of antisociability. figured we'd be come a hermit (actually recluse is more befitting) for a while till things snapped back into order in the brain.

anyhow, so now this random person happens to develop feelings for little old me n sorta refuses to acknowledge certain life pattern changes i have become accustomed to. anyway

so now i dcide that okay. i'm gona give this dude a chance, BUT, this time our blinkers are coming off and we gonna make sure that everything is under the scrutiny of tyler perry.

so anyway, i go do the lets give u a chance thing and the next thing i hear is that well if you dont get rid of all your guy friends i cant date you?!

like hullo???!!! u do realise that i had a life before you and it involved me and my guy friends...so err exactly who are you?? okay ya, u the boyfriend, mara how long have u been around for?? u cant just expect me to ditch the crew just so ur security issues can be sorted. anyway. please let me know what's cracking anyone who has the idea.BLACK MEN HELP!!!! n the white guy too."

Dear caricaturist

Men are all the same, black, white, green etc. The problem is that usually guys who know they are dating beyond their league will always have insecurity issues. The thing is first and foremost the guy knows for a fact that your male friends are attracted to you, do not question this as it is true. I have many female friends but I admit that I didnt always want to take the friend route I just happened to find myself there and I am just waiting for their boyfriends to slip up so I can get in a "shoulder to lean on fuck". I also admit to having suffered from such insecurities in the past until I began to understand the one track relationship mentality women have as far as guys go.
Unfortunately this is a problem with no simple solution but I will tell you this. Do not compromise who you are for anyone, the sooner you understand that for yourself the stronger the foundation for your principles. In the end you wont settle for anything but the best and when you meet a guy who understands that about you, he will never have a problem trusting you because you have firm ground to stand on.

Kwaki

PS - Unfortunately for all the ladies who might read this and think I am a great catch, sorry I am already taken by someone who helped me reach the level of understanding I am at now.

If you have a word of advice please post it on her comments page.http://tjo-tjo-tjo.blogspot.com/

Points to ponder

2008-04-02T13:49:00.001+02:00

I used to buy Readers Digest simply to read the 'Lifes like that', 'Laughter the best medicine' and 'Points to Ponder' sections. I got this e-mail which got me really thinking hard, please note it has nothing to do with sex (which according to bridget is the only thing I ever think about).

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT THAT WE SHOULD WORK FIVE DAYS IN A WEEK? (WHY NOT THREE?)

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?(whoever came up with that saying obviously didnt have a baby)

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?(shit that reminds me I was suppossed to go to court last week)

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?(it works though ...i think)

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?(If I told you I was good in bed would you take my word for it or take me for a test drive....just had to make it about sex)

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?(also along those lines have you ever wondered about those animal rights activists who advocate for better death to chickens in slaughter houses??Seems stupid to me)

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?(The revolver could ruin his hairstyle ...duh)

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?(Just time me as I run)

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?(I never was good at math)

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?(To those of you who were put here to help me....you arent doing a good job so far)

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?(do you pee in the pool .... of course you cry underwater)

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"(Probably the woman who gave the first handjob)

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum." (good thing the chicken didnt shit first otherwise I would be eating toast and scrambled shit)

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (midnight snacks ... duh)

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?(why do women wait a few weeks before giving it up when they know they are going to fuck you anyway)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?(I wish)

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you read this blog in the first place?

Career change

2008-04-02T13:26:00.000+02:00

The reason I havent been posting is because they introduced a new security system at the student comp lab which requires finger print identification, as it would seem I dont have fingerprints. They have been tring to include me for the past two weeks and despite every effort I dont seem to be able to satisfy the scanner, I dont have fingerprints. I can see them when I look at my hand but masturbation must have eroded them somewhat coz the scanner just aint reading them. I thought it was a myth that masturbation eroded your fingerprints but I guess there is some truth to it afterall, makes you wonder what other urban legends based on masturbation are true. Will I go blind next, or maybe grow hair on my palms????? This scared me to the point of visiting my girlfriend last weekend and getting in a good two months worth of shag to the point that she chased me away. It worked though today I got my fingerprints scanned and am back to blogging, so for now I have somthing more constructive to do with my hands. Too bad I dont have a computer in my room but if all else fails and I go back to masturbating I might just start a career as a criminal, they will never be able to pin a robbery on me based on fingerprints.

Whose your uncle???

Whats in a name...

2008-03-20T09:36:00.005+02:00

When I was in Swaziland my name used to get me laid a lot, it was the greatest pickup line.
Me - Hi, my name is Lihwa
Her - Unique name what does it mean?
Me - Translated from Sotho to Swati it means Likhwa
Her - Do you know what that means in SiSwati?
Me - No
Her - Its a handsome guy who is loved by women
Me - Stop it youre making me blush
......and the next thing I know she is screaming it while we fuck.
The thing I forgot to mention in Swaziland was that my name translated to Swati actually meant Lifa, which is inheritance/heritage I am not quite sure.
Have you ever noticed that some parents give really optimistic names, I remember I once learnt with a guy called Handsome who was far from being that. My high school bully was called Musa, but he never showed me mercy, and Angel turned out to be the kind of girl her mother always warned her not to play with.

Kwaki

Strike

2008-03-18T15:10:00.002+02:00

Well the bored students of UNIVEN decided to go on strike today, conveniantly during my lesson. They are complaining about some guy stealing a few million rand meant for the students, as if marching around and vandalising property will bring it back. This just might mean a longer easter weekend than anticipated. Now I just have to decide where to go, visit Nelspruit and enjoy over a couple of drinks with the diva or go to Joburg and enjoy over a couple of shags with the girlfriend ....... tough decision there. Am using internet cafe since they closed the student computer lab and my time is up, later

Whose your uncle??

Sex and marriage

2008-03-17T13:00:00.003+02:00

Scientists have discovered a food substance that reduces a womans sexual drive by 90%, the wedding cake. I got an interesting email today and seeing as no one in blogland seems to be having any problems I decided to post it instead.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365times. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching soapies
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times y you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING....... TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and some one kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was runny
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion afterthinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on T V

Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Well I guess there is always two sides to every story, by the way Venda is cold today.

Virgin..

2008-03-13T14:21:00.005+02:00

Dear Kwaki

I am a teenage girl who recently matriculated and am now studying at University, the thing is I am a virgin and truthfully speaking the thought of sex scares me and I find it disgusting. I hear my friends talking about it all the time and sometimes I am forced to lie because the only thing I have ever done is kiss, which I enjoy a lot. Am I normal ??I consider myself to be quite attractive and I have been getting lots of attention from fellow male students and there is one I am interested in, what do I do????

Virgin

Dear Virgin

For a while there you got me thinking I had got an e-mail from Richard Branson until I read your message. I am impressed you even survived high school without losing your virginity from what I hear some kindergarden kids have more experience than you. Anyway the way you talk about sex I presume you expected that the first guy to chow you would use a fork and knife. Sex is disgusting, it was meant to be enjoyed that way. It is a pleasurable process which has bodily fluids flying in all sorts of directions, you will get to kiss some guy who has morning breath the next day. That is just the way it is and the sooner you get off your high horse and realise this, the better your first time will be. Bear in mind sex is an aquired taste, it gets better with time and more exploration of yourself to find out the best positions that give you the required satisfaction so masturbate a lot. Be safe at all times trust no one and never do something out of pressure. Usually I am an asshole when answering people but you caught me in a good mood, i just had sex ..... so you see it cant be that bad. By the way if you happen to be in UNIVEN my room number is ..........

Kwaki

My acceptance speech

2008-03-12T11:54:00.003+02:00

Won a Kasie blog award for most humorous blog and am still working on my acceptance speech, but my therapist will definitely be included.....unless she sends me another bill this month for her therapists bills. Go figure, I must be really fucked up to send my therapist to therapy. Kasie blog awards aside went to the SA Blog awards site and can you imagine the horror when I saw this "Please note, that due to insufficient nominations for any contest, the following categories have been discontinued from voting: Best GLBT Blog, Best African Language, Best Post about SA Blog Awards, Best Social Upliftment, Most Controversial Blog" OK I wouldn't know about the first one but I could come up with a few nominees for the other ones. Best African language would have to go to Kliffoday for posting his blogs in a language quite similar to English. Best Post about SA Blog Award would have to go to Kasiekulture for his post last year on the blog awards which raised so much debate and saw some of us frantically subscribing to Afrigator with the hopes of being nominated, little good that did us. Best Social upliftment would have to go to the Holy Nigga who turned his girlfriend dumping him because of monetary issues into a church dedicated to the pursuit of money ... OK let me rephrase that, I meant a church openly dedicated to the pursuit of money after all lets face it they all are. Most Controversial blog would have to go to me ..... just for the sake of nje.

Terms and conditions apply

2008-03-05T08:56:00.003+02:00

Entering a relationship without caution is like going to buy a cellphone using the catalogue price without reading the fine print. There are always hidden costs and sacrifices involved it sucks. This applies to one night stands as well as I have recently found out, makes you wonder if anything in life is really as it seems. Ahh well, just another lesson I guess. Never make hasty decisions otherwise you might find yourself settling for something you hadnt bargained for. Until later ..... who's your uncle.

Blog awards

2008-02-29T16:58:00.000+02:00

So much for the Mzansi awards but here is a little sumthing 4 u guys
Just a simple survey among the bloggers; who is:
The charmer in the group
The pervert in the group
The most inspirational in the group
The most annoying
The one you would like to meet oneday
The one you just cant figure out
The funniest
Feel free to add your own options and candidates, you cant vote for yourself

Load shedding

2008-02-29T16:36:00.003+02:00

My cousin decided to leave for Zim and I had to stay behind for a battle of the DJ's thingy and I am currently in the dark literally, he forgot to pay the electricity bill. So poor me will have to make do without electricity for the entire weekend. Ouch

Bootleg porn titles

2008-02-29T14:19:00.003+02:00

You have to admit some porn titles are amusing,especially ripoffs from hollywood blockbusters for example the following. Feel free to come up with your own bootleg titles in the comments link......
The porn identity - The Bourne identity
A Few Hard Men - A Few Good men
A League of their Moan - A league of their own
A Tale of Two Titties - A tale of two cities
Assablanca - Cassablanca
Bi-Dazzled - Bedazzled
Booty and the Beast- Beauty and the beast
Buffy the Vampire Layer - Buffy the vampire slayer
Cliff Banger - Cliff Hanger
Done In 60 Seconds - Gone in 60 seconds
Everybody Does Raymond - Everybody loves raymond
Fatal Erection - Fatal attraction
Feeling Forrester - Finding Forrester
Foreskin Gump - Forrest Gump
Glad-he-ate-her - Gladiator
Great Sexpectations - Great expectations
Halloween: ResERECTION - Halloween: RESURECTION
I Know Who You Did Last Summer - I know what you did last summer
Inspect-Her-Gadget - Inspector gadget
King Dong - King Kong
Laid in Manhattan - Maid in Manhattan
Jane Blonde-License To Thrill - James Bond-Licence to kill
Phallus in Wonderland - Alice in wonderland
Poke-'em All: The Movie - Pokemon: The movie
Pulp Friction - Pulp fiction
Remember the Tightuns' - Remember the Titans
Riding Miss Daisy - Driving miss daisy
Romeo in Juliet - Romeo and juliet
Star Whores: The Empire Likes Black - Star Wars: The empire strikes back
Swallow Hal - Shallow Hal
The Bootyguard - The Bodyguard
The Horny-Mooners - The honeymooners
The Loin King - The Lion King

My fate in UNIVEN

2008-02-27T13:49:00.003+02:00

Well after a lot of running up and down I am finally registered and I got my student card today which means I can now drink at the student bar ...... oh and attend lessons. Only thing standing in my way now is accommodation. I am thinking of visiting Zimbabwe this weekend so if all goes well will be leaving on Friday morning and will be back on Sunday. This place is still the closest thing to a biblical hell in terms of the weather. Nothing much to say but remember kwaki is your uncle.

I cant spell 'Diarrhea'

2008-02-25T09:52:00.002+02:00

I have always defined courage as attemting to fart in public when you have an extreme case of diarrhea, now that takes balls. I remember me and the diva were drinking one day and we found ourselves talking about things you shouldn't do when you have diarrhea and although I have forgotten most of them here are a few - wrestling, sex, watch a horror/comedy, swim in public pool and the comments page is for more suggestions. Ever wondered how "they" come up with such clinical terms like diarrhea, the name says it all - dire rear (he he he), what about menopause - pausing men (hmmmmm) later

Its my fault

2008-02-25T09:46:00.002+02:00

I feel guilty for Bafana Bafanas defeat during the AFCON cup, the thing is I didnt blog and trash football as a sport. If you look at the archives during the rugby world cup I trashed rugby in the post 'manly sports' and look what happened, South Africa won. So if you forgive me I promise to give soccer a worthwhile trashing just before the world cup......we might just get away with the cup.

Weekend special

2008-02-22T13:29:00.002+02:00

Have been drinking a lot these past couple of days and the booze just doesn't go down the same without the diva to push me to my limits, miss you. Sex on the other hand doesn't easily come to my mind nowadays considering the weather, although I have spotted some potential. Well I will be posting next week to let you know the fate of my registration process so the question still remains......To be or not to be.

VENDA

2008-02-20T12:16:00.002+02:00

One word best describes this place, hot. Besides feeling like I am in a sauna 24/7 there is one advantage ...... I now have a good excuse to drink ice cold beer a lot more often than usual. Turns out my registration wasnt finalised and I might not be learning here after all so Nelspruit just might be seeing my black ass again. I think a mosquito bit my dick....or I might have an STD, although I havent fucked since I got here.

I will freak you right

2008-01-28T21:49:00.000+02:00

Any freak worth their name will tell you nothing weighs more heavily on the mind than the potential for improper freakage.I am not saying this is always the case but the most mind blowing sex you can receive is usually from the not so attractive ones. I have had sex with some very beautiful people some of them paegent runnerups but sometimes its as if they are doing you a favour and you should be having grateful orgasms because truthfully speaking their perfomance wont be deserving of one. The thing about me is I am not easy to please sexually because I try and satisfy my partners needs to the fullest and a little effort on her part to fulfill mine is very much appreciated.And somehow women also think handsome guys are for show only. So here is the question.Do you think excess beauty makes for bad sex?

Divorced

2008-01-26T18:29:00.000+02:00

Dear Kwaki

I am in my early teens and my parents are getting a divorce. I am confused because it feels like when they argue I am suppossed to pick a side and I love them both equally. The whole thing is stressing me I dont know what to do.

Stuck in between

Dear Stuck in between (unless that wasnt yo alias, and the electricity went while u were typing the sentence)

I understand how this can be a confusing time in your life, especially considering that as a teenager you already have enough stress and the last thing you need is your parents adding on to that. However you are looking at this from the wrong angle, since both your parents seem to want to win you over to their respective sides you should use this to your advantage by milking them both for all they are worth. They will spoil you rotten for the next couple of months and if I was you I would stop writing letters to agony uncles and start writing a list of all the things I want. Besides at least now you wont have to imagine them having sex.

Your uncle

Kwaki

PS: There are a couple of things I need as well, I will email you my list.

Serial Killer????

2008-01-19T19:07:00.000+02:00

This is the reason Blaq thought I was a serial killer the frist time she saw me. I am not shaving this year until I )*()*^(^(*)*&*^R*)(&&*^$&%*)^(&%&&%#%#!%^%#%#@^

T-Shirt ideas

2008-01-19T18:48:00.000+02:00

Ladies, stopping to read this t-shirt will increase the chances of me kissing you by 87%, removing it guarantees I will muff you.
Warning, women passing here may be subject to general inapropriete talk and vulgar comments about the size of their breasts and buttocks.
I can see you are thinking of it so why dont u just do it, my number is 0822285619.
I wrote this slowly for those of you who cant read fast.

And you thought the new year would change me.Today MBTV was holding auditions and I heard there were lots of women present, I wasnt there because I will be judging the screening process and I cant seem to be biased ... of course if u read this and you auditioned, it wont hurt your case to fuck me.(Just joking)

2000 and great

2008-01-06T16:09:00.000+02:00

So much for 2000 and heaven. Well let us see what this year has in store for us.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T21:47:00.000+02:00

Well it has been an interesting year and all I can say is I have met some people who have convinced me that the mind is indeed a cradle of filth. All in all an enlightening year. Merry Christmas to all the bloggers and blogger lovers especially the ones featured on the web links by the side panel. May you guys continue having drama in your lives so you can entertain the 'normal' people and me. Love you guys and dont worry about me going to Venda for a year to further my studies, I am sure the University of Venda has internet facilities ..... I hope. So until the next time Kwaki is your uncle, so bring on the problems.

Vanity ....

2007-12-07T23:04:00.000+02:00

Ok this I just had to say, I saw a BMW X5 one of the newer models with a personalised number plate written "WEALTHY MP", but do you have to state the obvious, I mean sure you are wealthy .... dah.

On another tip have you noticed these T-shirts worn by women nowadays which have all sorts of pick up lines on them. Talk about branding, but I am not complaining I mean after all it makes the job easier for us men when we break the ice. I am thinking of getting myself one as well .... any guesses as to what it will say????? Will post the pic of me wearing it anytime soon, so ladies you better recognize.

My Imaginary interview with Bertha

2007-12-05T14:07:00.000+02:00

I happened to be with Bertha of the Big Brother Africa 2 fad, and although I have never watched an episode of the 'reality' series I asked around and from my minor inquisition, I imagined an interview with her, bear in mind I never studied journalism.

Kwaki - So how has life been since BBA

Bertha - Profitable

Kwaki - How so?

Bertha - I get paid huge amounts of cash to just make an appearence, and pretend to motivate people. I mean most of the time they dont listen to me they are just starring and imagining its shower hour.

Kwaki - Considering todays function was intended for the youth, do you consider your stay in the BBA house as inspirational to the youth especially the women?

Bertha - If you ignore the fact that I was a lying, man stealing, back stabbing, conniving bitch who was kicked out before the finals then my answer would have to be yes, because despite all that I now own a succesful PR company in Zim, and am being invited the whole continent over to share my experiences in the house.

Kwaki - How did it feel being deprived of your privacy, from what I hear you seemed to be the most comfortable with the situation?

Bertha - I am from Zim ..... go figure.

Kwaki - So I presume you never felt homesick in that regard... just joking

Why I would rather be a player

2007-11-28T12:39:00.000+02:00

Apart from yodemos emotional breakdown there are more meaningful reasons why I would rather not tie myself down to one woman, the best reason being trust. Let us face it, how many of us have met someone and started a sexual relationship using condoms for a few months and then without an aids test somewhere after the three month barrier conveniently forgot to use them ..... out of trust. Trust is a luxury I cannot afford. I would rather sleep with a different woman daily and use protection all the time than trust one woman whose hobbies might include the occasional miscellaneous celebrity dick, I know because I have been that dick on more than a few occasions. So people love but dont trust, because whatever you are capable of doing your better half is capable of worse.

Your uncle

Kwaki

Invitation to all producers

2007-11-20T23:14:00.000+02:00

I-Media will be launching its own TV station on the 1st of December, the station will be broadcast on the DSTV public bouqet .... will give further details as soon as they are available. We are offering independant broadcasters and production studios the chance to showcase their talent, send us your quality broadcast material via courier to Mpumalanga Broadcasting Television, 15 Paul Kruger Street, Suite 307 Belmont Villas, Nelspruit 1200, South Africa. Accepted formats are DVD-Pal and Mini DV Cam. Send Music Videos, Documentaries, Short stories, Movies e.t.c but make sure its broadcast quality.....

Blog Story

2007-11-12T14:09:00.000+02:00

This is an open invite to all bloggers for us to create a novel, each blogger is allowed at most 500 words to continue the story from where the last blogger left off. Characters in the story should be from Blogland no matter where they are .... the story has no particular theme, it can be a comedy, thriller, horror, soapie etc, all you do is continue the story in the comments page and every day I will copy it and paste your continuation to the main page so who will start???

AfroSLiQ Diva said...
Once upon a time in a little town called Nelspruit lived a cute girl that had passion for any beverage with an alcohol %. Most people thought she was weird and a hell lot of women felt uncomfortable everytime she spoke to their "men" - that still remains a mystery till today. but one day she met a girl called J and P, things were just fine till they all met some guys called K and L..... From that day things were surely never gonna be the same.............................

Kwaki said ...
It was not long before the charming L also known as Kwaki had wormed his way into the lives of Afrosliq, J aka Blaque and P aka Khauki. Unknowingly trusting Kwaki the three ladies and even his accomplice K aka Kliffoday had no idea he was actually an undercover NIA agent posing as a foreigner. His mission was to uncover a syndicate of ruthless heartbreakers and bring them to justice. The NIA had long suspected Afrosliq or 'The Diva' as she was known in high circles and her friends but could not prove it as all agents who had been sent before Kwaki had gotten themselves too emotionally involved with the suspects, with good reason to fall in love for they were so deceitfully innocent and loveable.

AfroSLiQ Diva said...
And then just when they had thought that isht couldn't get worse, a series of eerie sitchs started happening........On Hunters Street other isht was going down. Afroliq found herself in a sitch where she was forced to play a mother role to a 22year old female who is horny 24/7 with a very bad drinking habit, add to that a boyfriend that thinks he can control who comes to AFROSLIQ'S house - when he doesn't pay the rent there???? Imagine, how pissed off SLiQ must have been, boyfriend comes with dog that was fed SLIQ'S food from her frige!!! Now that was just pushing it.SLIQ had to act fast before isht got out of hand... so she started behaving like a nasty witch, it made certain people feel very uncomfortable each time they though of doing something she disliked @ her house.......

Does beer talk?

2007-11-07T23:04:00.000+02:00

Ever wondered why is it when people drink .... they seem to have infinite wisdom, and then you ask yourself if it is the beer talking, or maybe the beer just happens to tap into their rather unused archives of thought that they would usually ignore which contain brave ideas and opinions. Makes you wonder whether genius is simply a perpetual high? I dont know but the comments page is there for a reason, use it ...... preferably when you are high.

Life

2007-10-20T22:15:00.000+02:00

Ever had one of those weeks where death seems like the best way out, Tuesday was hell in more ways than one but somethings are too sacred 4 the internet. To my sister Constance I know I cant be with you right now but I am with you in spirit and prayer.

Later

Kasiexpress

2007-10-03T14:53:00.000+02:00

Well my birthday party was happening (apparantly) I wasnt there for most of the time but Blu-Peach held it down, big up 2 Stax and Josh for allowing me to be part of their event. They will be having another deep house session this weekend and tune into BCR for the details. Kasiekulture I read your comment on the Divas blog, all I have to say is thank God those labourous drives to Baberton are finally paying out.

Well the movement is still on and people from Jozi are begining to notice, met Forbes (Mega's manager) over the weekend and he was overwhelmed by the collection of talent so far.

'Please lord may the next caller be female'

Other wise I will be back on a more Kwaki tip, just got an e-mail from my brother which just cleaned all the perversions I may have. Hey man you know I am here for you.

Manly sports???

2007-09-13T16:42:00.000+02:00

So the rugby world cup is about to start, or has it started already. If you haven’t guessed by now I am not really that much into sports and because of that most people think I am a gay trapped in the closet. I can’t for the love of women understand the basis of their reasoning but apparently according to them I am not much of a man, I on the other hand think they are the ones so way up in the closet they don’t realize it. What kind of man enjoys watching other guys groping each other’s balls during scrums and what not? Personally I think contact sports are just an opportunity for men to touch other men while still sublimating their homoerotic. Hey, but that’s just me what do I know.

Do you know why women always accuse men of having dirty minds? It’s because they change their minds so often, I mean cant you just make up your mind woman … but let me not make my stress yours. Although you can feel free to make your stress mine after all, Kwaki’s your uncle.

My Prophecy

2007-09-08T18:45:00.000+02:00

Don't you just love the benefit of hindsight, fortunately that's the prophecy most of us are born with and then we feel jealous of all those clairvoyant prophets in the bible and their curse of foresight. It's a curse when you can already see the direction in which your life is heading, when you already know about a doomed relationship before you allow yourself to be consumed by it, when you put on a change of underwear because you know you are going to have an accident to avoid an embarrassing situation with the nurse you will ultimately have a crush on during your recovery at the hospital, knowing your life wont amount to anything in advance before you can put in the effort that might change that sad reality ......

I think I'm drunk

Taste of my vomit

2007-09-05T18:20:00.000+02:00

Goodenough Mashego's second offering 'Taste of my vomit' raises the bar tis illmatic* in text .... wait those are his words not mine, talk of an ego but unfortunately its true. Despite its rather revolting title it is rather addictive ( which I guess would explain the green bottle on the cover). There are four chapters taking you through the hate he habours within, the different kinds of love he feels, his journeys and the temptations he faced ... (I still cant imagine how he remained celibate in P.E .... buy the book to see what I mean). Then there are the women in his life (and I thought I used to be a player) for a guy who wishes an AIDS related death to all the women he ever dated there is an element of sentimental conflict within some of the pieces which have a hint of nostalgia. The last chapter simply titled R.I.P made me wonder if it was a good idea to be on a friendly basis with this guy considering the number of friends he has buried, I'm sure he has poured more pints 'for the homies' than he has drank himself which would explain 'Shatale', the poem based on his hometown. The reason there are so many thugs is probably because of all that liquor seeping into the underground water resevoirs which feed the Dam they get their water from ... so in a sense everyone there is intoxicated, at least he is coz there is no way a man of sober habbits could write shit this good.

Remember Kwaki's your uncle.

I dont really have a title for this post

2007-08-31T11:37:00.000+02:00

There are two ways to win a woman over, either she loves you or you pester her until she gives in. In political circles the same applies, and since no one really loves politicians they use the only weapon available to them, long speeches. Its like those guys actually compete to see who can bore the audience to submission with the longest possible speech. Luckily last weekend the experience was made bearable by the presence of Kasiekulture. Now I know most of you consider me to be flirting with insanity but some people need to have their brains soaked in Vanish Power O2 and scrubbed with heavy duty wire mash. No disrspect there but this guy can take a topic I wrote in one paragraph and stretch it to match Madala Masukus speech without losing your interest. I only pray that one day my level of creative insanity will be that high. Nice meeting you man.

All that aside on the 23 of September it will be my birthday, and although I know most women loathe the day I was born please make an effort to try making me enjoy it. The least you could do is give me head, hey what can I say I love having my cake and eating it. Next week my girlfriend will be coming from joburg and in preparation I wont wank for a week, I plan to come in torrents of froth enough to make an ice-cream machine feel inferior.

All that aside enjoy yo weekend and remember, Kwaki's your uncle.

Trash Magnet

2007-08-07T15:53:00.000+02:00

Dear Kwaki

Why is it that I seem to attract only dogs in the men I go out with. Are there any good guys out there?

Worried

Dear worried

The only reason you seem to attract dogs is because you are a bitch (which is the female equivalent of a dog). Other than that the probability is that you do attract good guys but like every other clueless female out there you assume that good guys are boring and you end up considering them as just friends, ladies let me let you in on a secret ... if you want to really hurt a guys feelings tell him you are just friends, that is worse punishement than sticking his dick in a grinder. So stop complaining and open your eyes to the fact that you do have good guys in your life but by the time you appreciate them you will be a washed up old hag who no one wants not even them.

Kwaki

Le Movemento Nelspruit

2007-08-07T14:48:00.000+02:00

So our local Hip-Hoppers have been working on something and fortunately for me I got the freebies courtesy of M-zee. Accompaning the CD featuring some great talent is a VCD of which personally I was stunned by Wax Lyricals Video, too bad he has moved to Petoria.

Support the movement, enough talking people lets act.

some places I love

2007-08-06T19:16:00.000+02:00

Well my job takes me around and i get to take sum beautiful pics, what can I say occasionaly my artistic side does make a brief appearence. Todays favourite is the Agriculture College in Nelspruit.

Have you ever googled your name?

2007-08-06T19:07:00.000+02:00

Well I did it today out of curiousity and got very favourable results even for my alter ego Kwaki, but I cant say the same about my xxx - rated alter ego .... Damn didnt know one dick could cause such chaos. In case you dont know my xxx--rated site its http..... sorry have to go.

Later

PS Blaque has been busy on her blog there are even pics of the diamond now.

Cheating???

2007-07-31T18:02:00.000+02:00

Dear Kwaki

I suspect my husband is cheating on me, recently when I was going through his pockets to do his laundry I found some condoms. We do not use them ourselves so I have my doubts about his faithfulness. Should I confront him about my doubts?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous

Doubts???? Lady you don’t have doubts you have got proof unless you want to live in voluntary ignorance, of course there could be lots of rational reasons why you found the condoms in his pockets, they might belong to a friend of his who is cheating on his wife who gave them to him to avoid the same predicament your stupid husband is facing or he could have thought they were balloons since you say you guys don’t use them (in defence to that as a kid I my sisters told me condoms were balloons which would explain all my nieces and nephews). Probably he is cheating on you but then look at the bright side … at least he loves you enough to use condoms with the other woman/women so I would suggest you don’t confront him otherwise he might stop using the condoms all together.

Kwaki

No more Mr Nice guy

2007-07-16T13:16:00.000+02:00

Thats all I can say for now.

Dear Uncle

2007-06-14T13:10:00.000+02:00

Dear Kwaki

My life is at an all time low, it seems like Gods plan is against me. I seem to fail in everything I pursue. I have tried taking my life many times but that has only landed me in hospital with brutal injuries or getting my stomach pumped, what should I do.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous aka Loser

Gods plan is not against you, the thing is you are probably female and whenever you tell God you want something he naturally assumes you mean the opposite. You would be better off praying for poverty and failure, he just might grant you the opposite. Anyway if all fails there is always the thought of someone worse off than you, I find watching the news particularly heart warming there is always bad things happening to other people and sometimes there is the occasional graphic murder and some really gut wrenching pics of abnormal stuff in life. So be glad you are not them unless you were serious about the suicide thing in which case you really are a failure, you cant even get your own sucide right.

Kwaki

The freak test

2007-06-13T15:20:00.000+02:00

"Have you ever . . ."
1)
French kissed (tongued)?
2)
been on a blind date?
3)
had or given a love bite?
4)
engaged in foreplay?
5)
read a pornographic book or magazine?
6)
masturbated to a picture?
7)
sucked an MOS’s breasts or had your breasts sucked?
8)
seen a pornographic movie?
9)
gone skinny-dipping with a MOS?
10)
committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)?
11)
masturbated?
12)
purchased contraceptives?
13)
engaged in foreplay for more than two hours consecutively?
14)
been shopping inside a porn shop?
15)
showered or bathed with a MOS?
16)
shaved your pubic hair?
17)
committed an act of voyeurism?
18)
had sex with a virgin?
19)
had sex in a car?
20)
had sex outdoors?
21)
experienced a lap dance?
22)
gone to a strip club or porn house?
23)
performed a strip tease for a MOS?
24)
met with someone for sex only?
25)
had sex non-stop for an hour?
26)
interrupted a couple having sex?
27)
jerked off or fingered by a MOS?
28)
jerked off or fingered a MOS?
29)
photographed a MOS naked?
30)
been naked in photos taken by a MOS?
31)
given oral sex to a MOS?
32)
done 69?
33)
had sex in three or more positions?
34)
experimented sexually before puberty?
35)
been caught masturbating?
36)
masturbated with another person in the room?
37)
watched another person masturbate?
38)
watched another party have sex?
39)
had sex in a public place?
40)
had sex during menstruation?
41)
gotten a woman pregnant, been pregnant?
42)
(arranged, had) an abortion?
43)
have a child or children?
44)
had a V.D. test?
45)
had a V.D.?
46)
orgasmed three or more times in one night?
47)
travelled over 100 km just to get laid?
48)
cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
49)
picked up a stranger for sex?
50)
had sex with someone you met online?
51)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 10 years or more?
52)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 20 years or more?
53)
put an inanimate object up your vagina or anus?
54)
had anal sex?
55)
had sex in front of a third party?
56)
had an alcoholic drink?
57)
been drunk?
58)
used alcohol to lower a MOS’s resistance?
59)
had an alcoholic blackout?
60)
smoked tobacco?
61)
smoked pot or hashish?
62)
used LSD, PCP, heroin, or Mushrooms?
63)
used cocaine?
64)
used three or more recreational drugs in one night?
65)
been arrested?
66)
been convicted of a crime?
67)
accepted money to remove any clothing?
68)
Screwed on the first date?
69)
had a threesome?
70)
had a foursome?
71)
screamed or moaned the wrong name during sex?
72)
rimmed a partner?
73)
Sought out a prostitute or gigolo?
77)
engaged with a prostitute or gigolo?
75)
had sex with two M’sOS at the same time?
76)
had sex with two different people separately in a 24 hr period?
77)
videotaped yourself having sex?
78)
accepted money to perform a sexual act?
79)
gave or received sex with a strap-on?
80)
slept with a married MOS?
81)
been engaged?
82)
been married?
83)
had sex with a friend of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
84)
had sex with a relative of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
85)
had sex with more than 10 different people in your life?
86)
had sex with more than 30 different people in your life?
87)
had sex with more than 50 different people in your life?
88)
had sex with an unconscious person?
89)
been propositioned by a homosexual?
90)
accepted?
91)
kissed a member of the SAME sex?
92)
been masturbated by a member of the SAME sex?
93)
been orally stimulated by a member of the SAME sex?
94)
had sex with a member of the SAME sex?
95)
lived in a threesome (sex with 2 others) for a month or more?
96)
been involved in an orgy or swingers party?
97)
engaged in bondage?
98)
engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment?
99)
engaged in group (5 or more people) sex?
100)
made a list of all the people you slept with?

MOS - Member of Opposite Sex

Lucky number 5

2007-06-05T15:35:00.000+02:00

Have you ever realised that all women claim to have slept with only 5 men? Ask any woman about her past lovers and she will usually tell you its five, now ask any guy about their past lovers and they will give you about 10. And no matter how many additional lovers she has had it will remain at a constant kind of like Mugabe's 78th birthday.Women have a mindset that anything in the region of five says she is not a slut and guys believe anything lower than ten says he is not experienced in bed. The human race (defined as men and women chasing after each other) is funny in that regard, women want men who sleep around and men seemingly want women who dont.

Anyway on another tip if you watched American Pie 2 then you should know about the rule of three. When any woman gives you the number of men she has slept with add an additional three, in some cases multiply the number by three and in extreme cases its to the power of three. In the case of guys the opposite is usually true which bring us to the question you are all wondering ..... have I really reached the 79mark? Hmmm.. that is for me to know and you to judge.

Ok so there is no hope for me in terms of a BCB (baby come back) so right now I am probably the only guy who has ever regreted not cheating on his girlfriend, I mean what was the use. On that tip I am making it my mission to get laid this weekend or sooner and may my dick have mercy on whoever will suffer its wrath.

Until then later

"F" the "F" word

2007-05-30T01:38:00.000+02:00

Ok so no sooner had I decided to be faithful I got dumped (again) by sms (again) by... yes you guessed it the same chick. It seems to be her thing so I decided to check myself into therapy...self therapy that is. After all I am an agony uncle (although the only psychology I studied was Industrial Psychology 101). So let me be my first patient

Dear Kwaki

I do not know what it is about me but I feel that whenever my intentions are good with a woman she loses interest in me but when they are not I have to use a scapel to scrape them off my dick, is there something wrong with being nice to a woman? Please help!!!

Yours truly

Kwaki

Dear Kwaki (ok this is begining to sound reduntant)

First of all do you realize you are talking to yourself? That being said I have answered your question, of course there is something wrong with you, you bloody moron....stop using your emotions and start using your erections seeing as the latter seem to get you laid. Of course you are not to blame entirely, women are hypocrites they say one thing and do another. There is one fundamental secret to understanding the female species ..... never expect them to act rationally. That being said I know you still love Tru... I mean this anonymous woman you are talking about but ask yourself (which is what you are doing right now-this is getting confusing) is she worth it, I mean just because she is beautiful, has the voice of an angel, a freak in bed and you love her with all your heart (whats left of it anyway) and miss her with all your body .... damn man you messed up our lives, what the hell posessed you to let her go?

Ahhh well

Kwaki

So write to your uncle if you have any kind of problem.

The 'F' word

2007-05-21T19:53:00.000+02:00

I am trying out this thing they call being 'Faithful'and despite the beautiful women who occasionaly grace my presence I have made it a point not to indulge. Painful as it may sound it does have interesting results. Women cant stand not being chatted up, even if they dont want you they demand a sense of interest from you. Confusing, but what isnt as far as women are concerned.As 'my hate'said 'I dont even understand myself'.

Ok apparantly I have somewhat of a reputation as a pervert and a freak, even people from Pretoria and Joburg know this......Brand recognition at its best, if you are lost check out my archives under 'understanding marketing'

Of course in reality I am not a pervert just because I am one woman short of reaching the 80 mark (Durex and Lovers plus owe me big time)and I have a porn collection that would make the devil blush(so does Hustler and Private) and have another X-rated blog which shows me as nature intended doesnt mean I am a pervert. Which reminds me the buy the Diva a Dildo campaign is still on .... this is serious people, she runs the risk of losing her fingerprints if she continues abusing her hand the way she is. So contact me and I will give you my bank details and to prove this isnt a scam every donation will be published on this blog.

Anyway later people.

Beer is healthy and I have the proof

2007-05-21T18:35:00.000+02:00

I visited the SAB website to find out about the new green bottle, HANSA MARZEN GOLD. They havent updated on it yet but while I was there I stumbled on some interesting facts about drinking.

BEER & HEALTH

What's in our beer?

On average, it takes seven weeks, from barley to beer, to produce a bottle of our standard lager (such as Castle). As the brewing process is a natural one, and cannot be speeded up, this is comparable to other international brands that share a similar climate to South Africa.

Beer contains no fat or cholesterol.

Our beers contain only malted barley, water, hops and maize or rice (Miller Genuine Draft). Yeast transforms the sugars to alcohol, but is not an ingredient as such.

There are no preservatives or additives in any of our beers.

Beer is beneficial in combating heart disease(you hardly ever fall in love when youre drunk), osteoporosis, stomach ulcers, Alzheimer's (how come you hardly remember the previous night) and helps reduce the formation kidney stones.

An entire 340ml can of Castle Lite contains only 408kJ and the same unit of a regular strength brew, like Castle Lager, 465kJ. There are about 1 020kJ in 340ml of dry wine. Fifty grams of peanuts contain 1 230kJ (could you say that again)

An entire 340ml can of Castle Lite contains only 408kJ and the same unit of a regular strength brew, like Castle Lager, 465kJ. There are about 1 020kJ in 340ml of dry wine. Fifty grams of peanuts contain 1 230kJ (I didnt mean that literally)

Beer - the forgotten nutraceutical? (nutrawhat???)

Barry Axcell - SABMiller Group Chief Brewer

The beginnings of brewing are lost in the mists of time. Inscriptions on ancient Sumerian tablets show that beer was that beer was brewed at least 6000 years ago and drunk by the rich through straws of gold or lapis lazuli.(The last time I saw someone drinking from a straw it was because his lips were too swollen from a fight the previous day ... now that is classic) Its origin, however, may be much more ancient and even go back tot he so-called "dawning of civilization" when men moved from a nomadic existence to one of agriculture some 10 000 years ago. Quite possibly the catalyst in this change of lifestyle may have been the realisation that growing barley could generate the raw materials to produce the "humble pint". The is difficult to separate baking and brewing in the distant past as they were intimately linked and in number of languages the word for "bread" and "brewed" are in fact the same.

Whatever the origins, beer has played an important part in human history. In ancient Egypt, King Rameses III was said to have sacrificed half million jugs of beer to the Gods.(I wonder if they had AA meetings in the heavens) An old Egyptian slogan states that "the mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer". By the Middle Ages, beer was seen as very important tot he medieval family and certainly a lost safer to drink than water.(Especially the water from Harare in Zim .... they chew their water) The wife was usually responsible for both brewing and baking.(sigh ... they dont make them like they used to) During this time many monasteries became involved in the production of beer which gave beer a seal of "holy approval".(as I said they dont make them like they used to) The daily allowance of beer at court in Tudor times was around 9 litres! The artist William Hogarth, painted two pictures in 1735 depicting the virtues of beer over gin. The one painting, called "Gin Lane", describes a scene of drunkenness and social chaos whereas the other "Beer Street" depicts respectability and the flourishing of the arts and literature. During the 1800's beer was seen as essential for health and according to Dr Charles Macalister, a consultant paedeatrician in England, teetotalers were looked at as dietetic cranks and sometimes rejected by medical examiners for life assurance on the grounds that they were taking risks in abstaining from what was considered to be an essential food.(I should show this to my medical aid company) In the 1950's and 1960's in the UK a number of now famous advertisements on beer and its health benefits were seen. The classic "Guinness is good for you" and by golly, it does you good", are examples of this. However, from the 1970's onwards, many foods and beverages became associated with health concerns. (And so began the dark ages)

There were new concerns about chronic diseases, especially cancer. Analytical techniques were developed to detect trace amounts of substances present in food that could be harmful. As these techniques became more sensitive, the levels of compounds that could be detected became lower and lower. What was classed as zero 2 or 3 years ago was now quoted in micrograms, nanograms or even femtograms. Now, of course, consumers expect foods to be totally "risk free". Legislators respond to this by adopting the "precautionary principle" and demand levels of certain substances to be declared. As lower levels of detection become available, the more so-called "hazardous" chemicals are found in food. This can de described as the "analytical paradox". Consequently more and more "food scares" have been reported in the media. The combined effect of all this work is to focus on the health negatives rather than the health positives of food and beverages.

So, arguably, for 99.5% of beer's history is was seen as a nutritious, wholesome product that was an integral part of family life and culture. Only in the last 30 years or so were these values largely overlooked. Interestingly, in the 1990's the general perception was that 'you are what you eat'. In other words, the predominant cause of illness was diet with genetics playing a small part. As we moved into 2000's that perception changed with genetics being seen more as the dominant player in causing illness with being seen more as the dominant player in causing illness with diet being relegated to a much lower percentage. More and more evidence is again accumulating on health benefits of moderate beer consumption.

What was originally called the "wine paradox" has been widely shown to be due to alcohol. Alcohol can protect against heart disease in number of ways:

It can inhibit atheroschlerosis by increasing levels of apolipoprotein A-1 and by increasing levels of high density lipoprotein (HDLP).
Thrombosis (clotting) can be inhibited through lowering of fibrinogen, lowering platelet aggregation and increasing the break-up of clots.
There is a general reduction of stress and coronary arteries are dilated.
There have been many clinical studies worldwide carried out in the last 5 years that support the above observations. Recently (December 1999), Rimm et al (Harvard School of Public Health) in the British Medical Journal published an overview of coronary heart disease research that took a statistical review of clinical studies worldwide. This research showed that 30g of alcohol/day (approx. 2½ beers) increased HDLP on average by 8,3% and Apolopoprotein A1 by 6,5%. He estimated a 25% reduction in the risk of coronary heart disease as a result of this alcohol intake over the control groups of abstainers. Beer of course is ideal for moderate alcohol consumption because of its relatively high water content and low alcohol levels. (???????????)

During the malting process, whereby barley is germinated and kilned under controlled conditions, a number of important nutrients are formed. For example, the folate (a vitamin) content of malt increases sixfold. Sprouted cereals have long been seen as a nutrients food so it is not suprising that much of their goddness is carried through into the beer itself.

Very recently a number of hop compounds have been shown to exhibit anti-cancer as well as anti-cancer as well as antioxidant properties. Preliminary studies have also indicated that hop compounds may be important in preventing osteporosis, ulcer formation, cardiovascular disease and may even protect against liver disease. There is also a growing body of evidence that phytoestrogens derived from hops in beer are beneficial to health for both men and women.

All this evidence is really telling us what has been known for the best part of the last 6000 years: that beer, in moderation, is a wholesome and nutritious drink. This idea of beer as a 'nutraceutical' - a pleasant form of acquiring some essential nutrients can build on this foundation and re-position beer as THE alcohol drink of moderation. If you can live longer and healthier by savouring this 'golden nectar', what an added bonus! (Now all I have to do is convince my boss to remove that water dispenser thingy and put a Keg)

Now that just confirms what I have known my whole life ... watch this space for the new green bottle. I am trying to get SAB to sponser me with their first batch of the green hansa so we can make an unbiased report with the whole gang.

Otherwise on a personal level I dont understand most of the words used up there but it sounds scientific enough to be true.

Later

PS-All the parts written in red are mine. The rest you can find on the SAB website.

Awe...

2007-05-18T12:26:00.000+02:00

Weekend update in brief
• 10 people can fit into a Toyota Tazz
• What goes around comes around
• You cant party when you are sober
• I still cant believe she is only 16

Ok I better elaborate on the last one before I get arrested for statutory rape. I met this girl who came over to our usual hangout spot with her cousin, we got to talking and then suddenly the age issue comes up and then she told me she was 16. Now the only thing 16 about her was the reaction she invoked in the guys present, I am talking a 16cm hard on if you are normal, 16inch if you’re a donkey and 16mm if you are female … yeah she turned some females on as well.

Agony uncle, the thought has crossed my mind and I was wondering how I would respond to those that came to me looking for help. I could make a fortune out of peoples problems seeing as women only see me as a shoulder to cry on. Ok ladies you have my heart now if you don’t mind my body is willing to negotiate a swap.

I am a little tied up for the meantime but I will try to update when I get the chance. Walked into the office today after a long break and guess whose at reception, MY EX. Watch this space.

Later

PS If you have a problem, or just suffer from a disorder that makes you create non-existent problems or if you are a problem yourself and you think things are so bad they cant get any worse … holler at me and I will prove you wrong, I will make them worse.

And then there was jozi

2007-05-02T12:31:00.000+02:00

Friday decided to go to jozi on a whim just to go see the girlfriend who dumped me via sms, came back on Sunday because I was broke but managed to get myself undumped in the process. While I was there I remembered the reason I left Yeoville in the first place (from my previous blog) and I realised that running from a place doesnt erase the past.

The rain may wash away the blood stains but the pain will still remain, forever forged in my brain. This blame I inflict on myself keeps piling up like books on a shelf and when I close my eyes all I can see are these looks for help. The tears in their eyes are like acid to my my mind dissolving all sense. My present feels like past tense, moving foward in motions but my emotions are trapped back in that time and these thoughts keep replaying in my mind like a bad rhyme.

So anyway Monday Sasco had a birthday at X's place and I was drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks (exercising the liver, the green bottles arent much of a challenge these days) and well it was interesting. Didnt pass out and wake up with a naked chic like the last time ... ahhhh,the good old days.

Anyway as you can see from the random senseless writing my mind isnt exactly here, I am writing exams soon and I am still thinking about how I should study.

Writers block

2007-04-25T17:05:00.000+02:00

I remember watching the movie Shakespear and someone in it said something about writers block being Gods way of telling you that you were not meant to write. In my case its my brains way of telling me I need a drink. The past weekend we were so broke we found ourselves looking for coins under the couch cushions so we could buy ourselves booze. It was so silent you could hear an ant fart, for the simple reason that we were all sober. Luckily we managed to find a party and people became their horny talkative selves again, well the Diva was hornier than most and I dont blame her all things being considered .... oh by the way,'I told you so'.

As I am writing this Native Squad is doing their comeback single in the studio, I will be doing a documentary on them in the near future.

Ok I just have to mention this, DJ Stax you rock. Watch out for this boy.

Later

Dumped

2007-04-20T18:27:00.000+02:00

Ok so what do I find funny about being dumped, an sms can you imagine …. Technology!!! I always enjoy being dumped irregardless of the method but that was just classic. The thing is women go out of their way to come up with excuses to dump a guy ‘properly’ you can’t help but laugh sometimes. OK call me a heartless prick but you have to admit it is kind of funny to listen to someone trying to break your heart without breaking your heart. So usually there is a set of common excuses, ‘its not you its me’ ‘I am pregnant and you a) aren’t the father (if u will accept responsibility); b) are the father (if u wont)’ ‘I am becoming a nun’ ‘I am becoming a lesbian’. Then there are the creative ones who get abducted by aliens or fake their own deaths. So my question is this what is the most absurd excuse a girl has ever given to dump you. Ladies you can contribute too, I know I have used some really stupid reasons in my lifetime.

hopeless romantic

2007-04-20T18:21:00.000+02:00

Anyway I was asked if I was a romantic, by someone. Lets see, I once spent an entire afternoon looking for a ring which had got lost the previous day during a drinking binge because it held sentimental value to the girl who lost it, I found it in different pieces. I would call everyday, so she could tell me all about her day and when she felt low I would try to lift her spirit, during late nights when she was feeling insomniac I would keep her company over the phone much to the detriment of my phone bill, there was a time I would have gladly killed any guy who so much as hurt her, I once declined taking a trip to Durban just because she couldn’t be joining us and I didn’t want her to feel left out. I am one of the few guys who hasn’t taken advantage of her insecurity and I have tried to show her unconditional love. I have never questioned her ambitions for I believe in her. I have been ridiculed for her and by her and she has the nerve to ask if I am a romantic?

So there is a new member to the unusual gang of horny drunkard’s i.e. my friends. Stay tuned for more.

The newspaper is launched, well almost. There was a 16 page pre-launch issue and it is now available on newsstands around MP, so support your fellow B.E.E’s its only R1.50. I will be running a competition soon enough so keep yourself logged on to this blog.

I missed me too

2007-04-20T13:34:00.000+02:00

I had no internet connection for a while just managed to resolve things today. Anyway I wasn't demon slaying this time but I did try to kill the easter bunny. That there is one perverted bunny, even I date within the same species. The Diva is scary nowadays ... she seriously nedds to get laid before she pummels one of us to death.

So we all know the saying you are what you eat, seeing as I drink more than I eat I then have to be what I drink. So here is the thing, think of your favourite beverage be it coffee, tim-jan or ubhejane. Write down what exactly turns on your taste buds about it in my comments page and that my dear reader is what you think about sex.

I got dumped via sms last night, I laughed myself to sleep. Its not as if that is the first time it has happened to me but you know one of those jokes that just do it for you no matter how many times you hear them. Anyway I am at my workplace and my boss seems to think that means I should be actually working ... so later

PS- to contribute to the 'Buy the Diva a Dildo'foundation call me the number is +27822285619

Its official

2007-04-04T15:45:00.000+02:00

Blaque is in town for this week only .... hmmm, this should be interesting.

Ever wonder where easter eggs came from

2007-04-04T15:42:00.000+02:00

one two testing

2007-04-03T11:43:00.000+02:00

I have been having trouble posting I was begining to wonder if they sensor this.

Okay so I survived this weekend and just barely between sex starved girlfriends ( who obviously use electric vibrators in my absence and not battery operated ones which occasionally run out; seeing as they just didn’t want to stop, I cant imagine their electricity bills) and late night shows on BCR I was just willing to throw in the towel and call it quits but then I thought of all those people who just love to hate me and that made me reach deep down in the depths of my soul for inspiration, and when I couldn’t find anything (I found the inspiration, just not my soul...don’t know where the damn thing is) I reached further within my diminishing bank balance to buy a couple of beers and well here I am.

Well I don’t have to tell you the diva was tired and this time not from partying and fucking, she was working....for a change. Anyway come Sunday and we meet at the usual place, my other friend had lost her voice which was a blessing in disguise....trust me, she hasn’t lost her dangerous right hook though so I shall refrain from dwelling on the subject longer. Anyway after a couple of drinks the Diva and Kalki decide to take a dip in the pool and I didn’t join them for fear of penile shrinkage, the water was cold and I have a reputation to uphold. One thing I have to mention about the two is that their breasts need no introduction. After the dip they came out in their wet T-shirts looking like some foul named chick in a James Bond movie except that they were shivering and then I saw the highlight of my weekend, their nipples. I swear those things were so hard and erect I was actually tempted to try and balance the beer bottle I was drinking from on them.

Its Friday

2007-03-23T10:58:00.000+02:00

Sorry to point out the obvious but I never understood the importance of this day until I started working. Talking about pointing out the obvious had an interesting chat with the Diva over a couple of drinks (I should look into getting sponsorship from SAB) about those silly questions we ask. You know what I am talking about ... for instance when you walk in on your bestfriend rubbing your girlfriends clitoris as if he is trying to start a fire and you ask 'what are you doing?', you can see what he is doing but you insist on asking anyway. Or calling the woman you are stalking in the middle of the night and when they answer you ask them,'Are you awake?'... dah! Or telling a girl you want her and she asks you what it is you want exactly? Sex obviously and then when she kicks you in the balls for being so obvious she asks you if it hurt, as if you would be clutching your balls with your face twisted in agony because it didn't. Like me asking if you are reading this blog, now that is plain stupid.

Kasie Kulture promised to visit this weekend, lets just hope he drinks .... a lot.

Diva I have nothing against women, after all they are the better sex, they are better at lying, using, cheating e.t.c. I just think you guys acting all innocent as if you are victims is a little overplayed. If you can get away with calling us dogs and categorizing us into this one stereotype, then we guys have the right to do the same. Just think of me as a male rights activist.

Later

I will be on Radio

2007-03-20T13:40:00.000+02:00

Kliff invited me to his show...finally..he will be on air from 2am on Wednesday and unfortunately I wont be allowed to talk much but I will play the mega mix. Remember its 104.1 FM BCR. I typed the last part slowly to make sure you got it.

Equal rights

2007-03-20T12:59:00.000+02:00

So to prove that my mind has a broader scope to the things in life I decided to tackle the hypocrisy of equal rights. Think about it we all know women can do anything men do, even peeing while standing upright (saw that in a porn movie). My question is this ... in their pursuit to be recognized as equals aren't they defeating their own cause by forming feminine associations aimed at countering the existing male dominated ones?Notice I said male dominated ... they aren't exclusive to males though. Why do they feel the need to add a 'W' in front of all existing associations like the NBA for instance, now you have the WNBA. It is not as if the NBA doesn't really allow women to play e.g Dennis Rodman, it is just that men have been the dominant players. If female basketball players really wanted to be recognized as equals they would penetrate the NBA and prove beyond doubt that they are as good. Instead they go out there and form their own league which discriminates against men...Women's National Basketball Association.

This applies to a lot of sectors even here locally, you hear of Women's Law Association, Women's this and that, the list is endless but my knowledge has its limits. Let men do the same thing and they are accused of discrimination. So if you think about it women have more rights than males in more ways than one, so where is the equality in giving someone favour? Yes and this applies to BEE and affirmative action as well, once a person is given favour based on the colour of their skin instead of the merit of their abilities isnt that discrimination. It is simply turning the tables of apartheid, only difference is the level of violence..and yes I am black.

Ziwaphi

2007-03-16T00:28:00.000+02:00

There is a new paper coming soon so watch this space for details...thats all 4 now.

Sorry

2007-03-16T00:24:00.000+02:00

To all those whose wishfull imagination had led them to think I am gone for good .... sorry to dissapoint you, I am back.

Women I know - 3

2007-03-15T15:35:00.001+02:00

3. GOLD DIGGERS (Poly Students, College girls, Campus chicks, High School students etc - generally referred to as Weekend Accessories)

Advantages
* VERY, VERY GOOD IN BED (Holy Benjamin - Lord have mercy !!!wow!).

Disadvantages
* She makes sure she leaves you penniless. (Airtime, lunch, hair do, cosmetics, etc!!!) And then spends the money on her "real boyfriend
* She tells you she is on the pill, but she is pregnant within 3 months of the relationship.
*When ever there's a misunderstanding, she is quick to say you are using her (..but its quite the opposite (confusion at its best!!! )
* She sues for maintenance costs, especially if you are prominent and takes the story to the Lowvwlder, Mpumalanga Times....
* She is sexy isn't she? And that makes many of u DAMN!!!

Women I know - 2

2007-03-15T15:34:00.000+02:00

2. PROFESSIONAL / MILLENNIUM / WORKING - LADIES

Advantages
* She does not need your money
* She can lend you her car (latest model BMW/Volvo), u can boast to your friends that u have a connected Cherrie!! Pssst!!!
*You can even date other women with her car!!!
* She has a credit card and petrol coupon for u when you are down and out.

Disadvantages
* She is generally BAD IN BED. Its either she is too tired or doesn't just feel like it and u don’t have to wonder why we keep more than one of those at a time!!!.)
*You'll have take-away for dinner 6 times a week (AT LEAST!!)
* She thinks she owns you; more than your mother does sometimes.
* She hates your friends; u can't even go to the stadium once a month.
* She always tells you to get a better job, car, house etc. (the list goes on, COZ SHE MOST LIKELY EARNS MORE THAN YOU DO!!!)
* You won't have a life with this one. They have no respect; they will insult you / your mother in English and French....

Women I know - 1

2007-03-15T15:33:00.000+02:00

1. HOUSEWIFE'S
Advantages
* She stays home and takes care of kids and household chores.
* She is always good in bed because she is never tired.
* Will always cook a good meal (NO NANDOS, KFC, etc)

Disadvantages
* You will never know what she does when you are at work.
* She behaves like your mother when you come home late.
* She bitches when you watch TV too long.
* You can't play your music loud.

Goodbye

2007-03-05T14:38:00.000+02:00

Will be taking a break for sometime for myself, so you wont be seeing much of me in blogland. I will be back though when I have dealt with my demons.

Very much later

What women want

2007-03-05T14:23:00.000+02:00

So ever noticed how good intentions will never win as far as women are concerned, and it is always amazing how women misread men but what the hell.. Anyway have been asking about and my good friend toots came up with suggestions on how to keep them interested in you.

Hi Bafethu,

Well I have seen the way you always admire how toots has always kept his chick happy, for a change I thought I will tell you the secret. Believe me it works! That woman will love you forever. To all my female friends, I hope you agree with me hey. In fact I got a first prize for the hottest tips when I sent them to the Men’s health magazine. Here is my secret.

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. And girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say you better be, repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement. And every girl needs some improvement.

6. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words 'fuck you' and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

7. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

9. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

10. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket………………then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

11. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the parties dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

12. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things, like shadow boxing.

13. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

14. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she will go crazy.

15. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

16. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

17. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

18. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

19. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

20. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call.

Thanks toots will definately keep those pointers in mind.

Monday blues

2007-03-05T13:19:00.000+02:00

Had a fucked up weekend and I have only myself to blame for being so understanding to other peoples needs and ignoring mine when I know too well should the tables be turned they will always put themselves first but let me not sulk too much. I really sometimes wish I wasnt the way I am but I guess I will always be a goodguy. I swear the next woman who calls me 'sweet'/'like a brother'/'just a friend'etc, just might see how much of a gaping asshole I can be. Anyway was looking at relationships again thanks to a Sunday chill session with a couple of guys and I came to the realization that there are basically 4 kinds of relationships.
1. There is the main lover who is the stable guy/girl in your life, this could be your hubby or wife.
2. There is the friend of the opposite sex who you are usually attracted to but have never been intimate with because you are afraid it will ruin everything. You tell them of all your sexual experiences blah blah and you expect them to always pick up the pieces when you get hurt. Usually either one of you in the relationship wants to have their cake and eat it and in the end there is the possibility that you may ruin the relationship even by not doing anything.
3. There is the other person who you just click on a sexual level and you feel free to do things that you cant do with number 1 and would love to do with number 2 but never have.
4. Then is the occasional puff and pass, this can be someone who you wouldnt want to be seen with in public but who you shag either for the benefits (if you are female) or because everyone is shagging them and you just dont want to be left out.

Just remember your number 1 might be someone elses 2, 3 and even 4.

Later.

Ever changing technology

2007-03-02T12:34:00.000+02:00

Ever notice how obsolete technology becomes once you own it, I mean when you have just bought windows 03 then comes windows 08, PSP then here comes PS3. I mean you spend so much time upgrading your software and then upgrading those upgrades you just get tired in the end. Got this e-mail.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity . Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User..
______________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under " Warnings-Alimony-Child Support" . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Last day of the month

2007-02-28T15:11:00.000+02:00

So today is the end of February which means some of us are worried about rent and all those bills. Some people who were born on a leap year have understandably more pressing issues to worry about but hey...what are the odds of that(one in four). To those of you who have radios and are within a 100km radius of Barberton, listen to BCR as from tommorow and tell me what time my good friend Kliffoday is on air. Mail me your answers to lihwak@gmail.com or call 0822285619 and you could stand a chance to party with me(if you are female your chances increase considerably) ... ohh and Kliff just might make an appearence.(hopefully not)

Anyway celebrities aside arent you just glad the so called month of love is over, for a month with so few days it really does take its toll on the pocket....and "they" say you cant buy love.Ever realised how women are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. For those of you who werent so lucky this month, shame on you.(Were you expecting advice or words of inspiration?)At least I did do you guys a favour I killed Cupid so dont worry about spoiling your so called beloved next year, spoil me instead. I accept VISA....

Later

Win a mazda

2007-02-28T15:01:00.000+02:00

So Mazda is running a competition on my blog, if you can spot the sleepy student in the picture below you stand to win a brand new Mazda 6, competition date closes on the end of March all you have to do is post your answer and your name + contact details in the comments box and the car could be all yours. Each participant is limited to one answer. Good luck ..... you will need it.

Am I in love

2007-02-22T12:51:00.000+02:00

I have never been one to lie about the things that matter and the unfortunate thing about the way things have turned out has proven to be some poetic justice of some kind. There was a certain girl who I did not love at first but pretended I did until in actual fact I fell for her. By then she was falling out of love with me ( with the help of some other guy of course). By the time she felt nothing 4 me, my feelings had blossomed to the point of obsession. In a stupid act of selflessness I listened to ‘they’ and let her go with the stupid belief that if its meant to be it will come back..and all that other bullshit. So far she has come and gone back to lots of guys, me excluded and although my heart has hope my head has reason. Love may be blind but I am not and I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out she does not want me. But although I am no longer in love with her fact is I love her for the simple fact that she made me feel things no other woman had been able to before her. I never knew the thin line between love and hate until I met her, and for the first time in my life I felt that heart wrenching emotion called jealousy. Then it sank, I do feel after all and with that the flood gates to my emotional barrier were opened and a whole charade of emotions began to gush out of me. I wasn't the calm collected charmer I always presented, I became this insecure unstable pathetic emotional wreck and looking back I can see why she lost interest in me. Then you think that you have learned from your lessons and fast foward to the present time and although the cast has changed the story is still somewhat similar. To make a long story short I am seriously fucked..

Oral sex

2007-02-19T15:54:00.000+02:00

OK so we have all read this joke( I would have said heard but have you noticed how e-mails are cornering the joke market ) about an elderly couple whose idea of oral sex is her shouting "fuck you" from across the room and him shouting "fuck you too" and then they get into their separate bedrooms and sleep. If that's oral sex then lots of guys out there are throwing insults at each other are gay... anyway not to be outdone I came up with a poem of my own.

Oral sex

Making love through words
Intimate foreplay in these verbs

Every jingle caresses my earlobes
Before penetrating my mind with gentle strokes

Should I explain the sensation it invoked
When she whispered and when she spoke

Her voice angelic in its chord
Inviting me to its holy abode

Erecting my senses, she strokes my nerves
Naked and shameless, those were her words

She started slow and picked up speed
The more she says the more I need

This beautiful sensation with a twist of greed
She speaks I listen, that's how we breed.

Our satisfaction is achieved in the anticipation
Only when you have none, can you fulfill your expectations

As you will notice I passed 'Yes dear 101' with flying colours, always listen to your woman or at least pretend to. Sweetie if you are reading this ignore the 'pretend to' part. So anyway that is my attempt at poetry.

VALENTINES WEEK

2007-02-12T11:05:00.000+02:00

Nice weekend was at afrosliqs party on saturday didn't get too sloshed out of respect, but diva u have too many male friends get some female friends to balance the equation. Anyhow it is Valentines week I am so broke I have less money than when I had no money at all. Am thinking of being a total jerk and get dumped by my better halves until the valentines hype is over then get back to speaking terms with them again.

So we are all anticipating tupacs latest album for this year, is the guy dead or did black people need their own version of elvis??? For those who have seen me and mistaken me for the younger version of 2pac, let me set the record straight no we are not related....as far as I know. Besides I am better looking.

Chappelle Show (Lost Ep.) - Tupac is alive

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Anyhow last week Tuesday I attended the premiere to the movie Catch a fire and its inspiring how simple people live amazing lives, but before I get all sentimental and shit on you I urge you to go watch the movie it is now showing in cinemas countrywide.

Later

Happy Birthday

2007-02-09T07:18:00.000+02:00

My dear friend afrosliq diva is having her 23rd birthday today, damn you're old. They say with age comes wisdom, I wish that was true in your case but its a pity that "they" arent always right. Just joking happy birthday gal.... So when is the party?

Another take on relationships

2007-02-08T23:43:00.000+02:00

Chris Rock - View On Love and Relationships

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