Incest

Dear Uncle
I think I'm in love with my cousin, your daughter and I read in newspapers that it's natural but you know many things are natural but we tend to keep on acting like they are unnatural. Uncle, dogs screw their mothers (bitches) to produce their siblings who also happen to be their children and the last time I interviewed a dog it said it was natural. Also this other sexpert named Drog (a dog as well) told me that it isn't anything new for cousins to feel attracted to one another,especially when they didn't grow up together. Should I whip my cousin uncle or should I spare the rod for some other child who deserve it?

Kasie

Dear Kasie

This has to be the most disturbing confession I have ever heard; not that you are attracted to your cousin, but the fact that you can have conversations with dogs. First and foremost what is natural to dogs isn't so natural to us, unless you have the urge to eat your vomit and smell other peoples assholes [although you did write that book " Taste of my vomit".... Hmmm]. Reality though is you are not the only one who has these urges, porn in the 70's and early 80's usually ran the incest theme and if we were all to be honest with each other; the truth is our early experiments into intimacy were usually with our cousins. Now as to the matter at hand, you already know she is your cousin irregardless of the fact that you didn't grow up together; had you whipped her before you knew that, you wouldn't seem like a pervert. Sorry I don't make the rules society does, but society also does say you should keep it within the family so maybe you should go for it considering this might be your only chance to get some. The only problem I have is that she is my daughter, so agony uncle aside if I see you anywhere within a 360 degree radius of her I am going to shove a hot copper wire down your pee hole till it's bladder deep and castrate you with a blunt rusty knife.

Remember Kwaki is your uncle

PS - Stop talking to the K9 species, or you will end up drinking from the toilet bowl.

Missing friend

Dear uncle Kwaki
I have this friend hu has just disappeared from the face of the earth, the last i heard he was in venda but now i'm not really sure since i haven't heard from him in days or is weeks i'm not too sure.I even suspect that maybe he has been adapted by aliens or maybe the parts ppl finally got him and took his manhood...Pls tell me what to do to find my friend, shud i start calling all the mortuaries or contact every police station and start printing out posters. I'm getting worriedYours sick with worry
Ms D

Dear Ms D
Your friend sounds like a great guy and I think your letter to me shows that you might possibly have deeper feelings for him, I suggest the next time you see him shag him and I promise you he will remember to be in touch. He sounds like a sexually appreciative handsome fella and so when you shag him dont ration out the pussy, give him your all ..... fetishes included. His manhood sounds like an impressive tool for people to want to kidnap it so I would suggest you worship it. Dont worry he is probably still alive thinking of why the hell he never shagged you before he left Nelspruit.

Kwaki

Jealous lover.

Since no one has been approaching me with their problems of late, I decided to go around blogland looking for problems and lucky me the "caricaturist" had a cry for help on tjo-tjo-tjo. And I quote -

"so after numerous heartbreaches and being quinea pigged by men. Shame on me mind you. i dcided to take a backseat on life and sorta let it past me by. figured some getting to know me would do me good, cos very soon the bio-clock is gonna get on the grind and we need to sift through the riff raff a.s.a.p. But now, for us (that being me myself and i - i prefer to think of myself in the plural its more holistic. thank the greeks) to be able to do this efficiently, we need to know ourselves to better understand what is best for us.



so then in my disinterest in fly-by-night individuals, i dcided to develop a very mild case of antisociability. figured we'd be come a hermit (actually recluse is more befitting) for a while till things snapped back into order in the brain.



anyhow, so now this random person happens to develop feelings for little old me n sorta refuses to acknowledge certain life pattern changes i have become accustomed to. anyway


so now i dcide that okay. i'm gona give this dude a chance, BUT, this time our blinkers are coming off and we gonna make sure that everything is under the scrutiny of tyler perry.

so anyway, i go do the lets give u a chance thing and the next thing i hear is that well if you dont get rid of all your guy friends i cant date you?!


like hullo???!!! u do realise that i had a life before you and it involved me and my guy friends...so err exactly who are you?? okay ya, u the boyfriend, mara how long have u been around for?? u cant just expect me to ditch the crew just so ur security issues can be sorted. anyway. please let me know what's cracking anyone who has the idea.BLACK MEN HELP!!!! n the white guy too."

Dear caricaturist

Men are all the same, black, white, green etc. The problem is that usually guys who know they are dating beyond their league will always have insecurity issues. The thing is first and foremost the guy knows for a fact that your male friends are attracted to you, do not question this as it is true. I have many female friends but I admit that I didnt always want to take the friend route I just happened to find myself there and I am just waiting for their boyfriends to slip up so I can get in a "shoulder to lean on fuck". I also admit to having suffered from such insecurities in the past until I began to understand the one track relationship mentality women have as far as guys go.
Unfortunately this is a problem with no simple solution but I will tell you this. Do not compromise who you are for anyone, the sooner you understand that for yourself the stronger the foundation for your principles. In the end you wont settle for anything but the best and when you meet a guy who understands that about you, he will never have a problem trusting you because you have firm ground to stand on.

Kwaki

PS - Unfortunately for all the ladies who might read this and think I am a great catch, sorry I am already taken by someone who helped me reach the level of understanding I am at now.

If you have a word of advice please post it on her comments page.http://tjo-tjo-tjo.blogspot.com/

Virgin..

Dear Kwaki

I am a teenage girl who recently matriculated and am now studying at University, the thing is I am a virgin and truthfully speaking the thought of sex scares me and I find it disgusting. I hear my friends talking about it all the time and sometimes I am forced to lie because the only thing I have ever done is kiss, which I enjoy a lot. Am I normal ??I consider myself to be quite attractive and I have been getting lots of attention from fellow male students and there is one I am interested in, what do I do????

Virgin

Dear Virgin

For a while there you got me thinking I had got an e-mail from Richard Branson until I read your message. I am impressed you even survived high school without losing your virginity from what I hear some kindergarden kids have more experience than you. Anyway the way you talk about sex I presume you expected that the first guy to chow you would use a fork and knife. Sex is disgusting, it was meant to be enjoyed that way. It is a pleasurable process which has bodily fluids flying in all sorts of directions, you will get to kiss some guy who has morning breath the next day. That is just the way it is and the sooner you get off your high horse and realise this, the better your first time will be. Bear in mind sex is an aquired taste, it gets better with time and more exploration of yourself to find out the best positions that give you the required satisfaction so masturbate a lot. Be safe at all times trust no one and never do something out of pressure. Usually I am an asshole when answering people but you caught me in a good mood, i just had sex ..... so you see it cant be that bad. By the way if you happen to be in UNIVEN my room number is ..........

Kwaki

Divorced

Dear Kwaki

I am in my early teens and my parents are getting a divorce. I am confused because it feels like when they argue I am suppossed to pick a side and I love them both equally. The whole thing is stressing me I dont know what to do.

Stuck in between

Dear Stuck in between (unless that wasnt yo alias, and the electricity went while u were typing the sentence)

I understand how this can be a confusing time in your life, especially considering that as a teenager you already have enough stress and the last thing you need is your parents adding on to that. However you are looking at this from the wrong angle, since both your parents seem to want to win you over to their respective sides you should use this to your advantage by milking them both for all they are worth. They will spoil you rotten for the next couple of months and if I was you I would stop writing letters to agony uncles and start writing a list of all the things I want. Besides at least now you wont have to imagine them having sex.

Your uncle

Kwaki

PS: There are a couple of things I need as well, I will email you my list.

Trash Magnet

Dear Kwaki

Why is it that I seem to attract only dogs in the men I go out with. Are there any good guys out there?

Worried

Dear worried

The only reason you seem to attract dogs is because you are a bitch (which is the female equivalent of a dog). Other than that the probability is that you do attract good guys but like every other clueless female out there you assume that good guys are boring and you end up considering them as just friends, ladies let me let you in on a secret ... if you want to really hurt a guys feelings tell him you are just friends, that is worse punishement than sticking his dick in a grinder. So stop complaining and open your eyes to the fact that you do have good guys in your life but by the time you appreciate them you will be a washed up old hag who no one wants not even them.

Kwaki

Cheating???

Dear Kwaki

I suspect my husband is cheating on me, recently when I was going through his pockets to do his laundry I found some condoms. We do not use them ourselves so I have my doubts about his faithfulness. Should I confront him about my doubts?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous

Doubts???? Lady you don’t have doubts you have got proof unless you want to live in voluntary ignorance, of course there could be lots of rational reasons why you found the condoms in his pockets, they might belong to a friend of his who is cheating on his wife who gave them to him to avoid the same predicament your stupid husband is facing or he could have thought they were balloons since you say you guys don’t use them (in defence to that as a kid I my sisters told me condoms were balloons which would explain all my nieces and nephews). Probably he is cheating on you but then look at the bright side … at least he loves you enough to use condoms with the other woman/women so I would suggest you don’t confront him otherwise he might stop using the condoms all together.

Kwaki

Dear Uncle

Dear Kwaki

My life is at an all time low, it seems like Gods plan is against me. I seem to fail in everything I pursue. I have tried taking my life many times but that has only landed me in hospital with brutal injuries or getting my stomach pumped, what should I do.

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous aka Loser

Gods plan is not against you, the thing is you are probably female and whenever you tell God you want something he naturally assumes you mean the opposite. You would be better off praying for poverty and failure, he just might grant you the opposite. Anyway if all fails there is always the thought of someone worse off than you, I find watching the news particularly heart warming there is always bad things happening to other people and sometimes there is the occasional graphic murder and some really gut wrenching pics of abnormal stuff in life. So be glad you are not them unless you were serious about the suicide thing in which case you really are a failure, you cant even get your own sucide right.

Kwaki

"F" the "F" word

Ok so no sooner had I decided to be faithful I got dumped (again) by sms (again) by... yes you guessed it the same chick. It seems to be her thing so I decided to check myself into therapy...self therapy that is. After all I am an agony uncle (although the only psychology I studied was Industrial Psychology 101). So let me be my first patient

Dear Kwaki

I do not know what it is about me but I feel that whenever my intentions are good with a woman she loses interest in me but when they are not I have to use a scapel to scrape them off my dick, is there something wrong with being nice to a woman? Please help!!!

Yours truly

Kwaki


Dear Kwaki (ok this is begining to sound reduntant)

First of all do you realize you are talking to yourself? That being said I have answered your question, of course there is something wrong with you, you bloody moron....stop using your emotions and start using your erections seeing as the latter seem to get you laid. Of course you are not to blame entirely, women are hypocrites they say one thing and do another. There is one fundamental secret to understanding the female species ..... never expect them to act rationally. That being said I know you still love Tru... I mean this anonymous woman you are talking about but ask yourself (which is what you are doing right now-this is getting confusing) is she worth it, I mean just because she is beautiful, has the voice of an angel, a freak in bed and you love her with all your heart (whats left of it anyway) and miss her with all your body .... damn man you messed up our lives, what the hell posessed you to let her go?

Ahhh well

Kwaki

So write to your uncle if you have any kind of problem.