some scary shit

How many men have ever experienced this. You will be in bed or the couch usually alone and then you feel a presence pinning you down and suffocating you. You cant scream, talk or move. Usually someone walks in and the presence just lets go or it lets go of its own accord. All the guys I have ever asked this have admitted to having the experience, usually in their teenage years. It doesn't matter where they are from or what race they are. They all swear it wasn't a dream and as a fellow victim to the phenomena I can vouch to that. Last year I had another run in with the presence and I am now almost certain it is female, dont ask me how i managed to come to that conclusion. If there is someone out there who is wiser to the phenomena please enlighten us. If you have experienced this as well please share, and does it also happen to females?

More agonies of an agony uncle

The people said it, I just post it and this time I will just answer

Dear Kwaki
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my DVD player?
(Get a new DVD Player or new DVD's whichever will cost your stupid ass more)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
(I think I know you)

Dear Kwaki
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
(Because his own is ignorant, thats why)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I joined the Navy to see the world.I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
(I got married to have sex, now that I have had it how do I get out.... ok maybe yours is a bit complicated, try quiting)

Dear Kwaki
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist a visit an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
(Nice observation, must be hereditary)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
(I am just confused here)

Dear Kwaki
My mother is mean and short-tempered.I think she is going through her mental pause.
(Seems like your mental just stopped)

Dear Kwaki
I read a certain Agony Aunties column where she told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
(You got it bad)

mxit

you can now get your uncle on mxit. just invite me the number is 0822285619. advice for only 2 cents a message, or we can have mxit sex.... its slowly replacing phone sex.

The reason I haven't been posting

But seriously people out there can be dumb had a few letters from deeply troubled souls that left even me speechless.

Dear Kwaki

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
(Maybe he will make sure you dont get the evidence this time)

Dear Kwaki

I was married to Lihwa for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
(are you on drugs)

Dear Kwaki

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
(You should get a D.N.A test and while your are at the hospital pass by the psychiatric ward)



Kwaki

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.Do you think they could be Lebanese?

( ahh.... I dont even have a come back for this one)

Incest

Dear Uncle
I think I'm in love with my cousin, your daughter and I read in newspapers that it's natural but you know many things are natural but we tend to keep on acting like they are unnatural. Uncle, dogs screw their mothers (bitches) to produce their siblings who also happen to be their children and the last time I interviewed a dog it said it was natural. Also this other sexpert named Drog (a dog as well) told me that it isn't anything new for cousins to feel attracted to one another,especially when they didn't grow up together. Should I whip my cousin uncle or should I spare the rod for some other child who deserve it?

Kasie

Dear Kasie

This has to be the most disturbing confession I have ever heard; not that you are attracted to your cousin, but the fact that you can have conversations with dogs. First and foremost what is natural to dogs isn't so natural to us, unless you have the urge to eat your vomit and smell other peoples assholes [although you did write that book " Taste of my vomit".... Hmmm]. Reality though is you are not the only one who has these urges, porn in the 70's and early 80's usually ran the incest theme and if we were all to be honest with each other; the truth is our early experiments into intimacy were usually with our cousins. Now as to the matter at hand, you already know she is your cousin irregardless of the fact that you didn't grow up together; had you whipped her before you knew that, you wouldn't seem like a pervert. Sorry I don't make the rules society does, but society also does say you should keep it within the family so maybe you should go for it considering this might be your only chance to get some. The only problem I have is that she is my daughter, so agony uncle aside if I see you anywhere within a 360 degree radius of her I am going to shove a hot copper wire down your pee hole till it's bladder deep and castrate you with a blunt rusty knife.

Remember Kwaki is your uncle

PS - Stop talking to the K9 species, or you will end up drinking from the toilet bowl.

Missing friend

Dear uncle Kwaki
I have this friend hu has just disappeared from the face of the earth, the last i heard he was in venda but now i'm not really sure since i haven't heard from him in days or is weeks i'm not too sure.I even suspect that maybe he has been adapted by aliens or maybe the parts ppl finally got him and took his manhood...Pls tell me what to do to find my friend, shud i start calling all the mortuaries or contact every police station and start printing out posters. I'm getting worriedYours sick with worry
Ms D

Dear Ms D
Your friend sounds like a great guy and I think your letter to me shows that you might possibly have deeper feelings for him, I suggest the next time you see him shag him and I promise you he will remember to be in touch. He sounds like a sexually appreciative handsome fella and so when you shag him dont ration out the pussy, give him your all ..... fetishes included. His manhood sounds like an impressive tool for people to want to kidnap it so I would suggest you worship it. Dont worry he is probably still alive thinking of why the hell he never shagged you before he left Nelspruit.

Kwaki

I feel special

Have been away for a while, I just couldnt post at the UNIVEN computer lab it being so slow and all. Its nice to know people do miss me sometimes kind of eases the stress I am going through with my girlfriend right now. So remember back in the days when the war between men and women took a musical side. One of them would throw a punch and the other would reply. This saw us having to endure leeches whose fame depended on the sucess of more creative artists. When taht girlie group released no scrubs some guys who called themselves somekind of thieves released no pigeons. Recently the trend has reappeared and when Neo spilled his guts out on "So Sick" some woman claiming to be the lady of Neo's creativity replied him. Sean Kingston talked about beautiful girls and whatsername started singing about beautiful boys. DJ Cleo did Sis'ngihamba nawe and Arthur...wait thats another issue alltogether. Anyway remember that email I posted on my blog some time ago about installing Wife as an operating system, guess what they came up with another one

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

I know what you're thinking...

You are probably thinking I had aproblem with fingerprints again eh; wrong, the internet this side is so congested I couldnt even log in to blogger or post comments. Dont have anything to say really just letting you guys know I am still alive, no one has robbed me of my body parts yet.My greatest fear when moving this side was that I had just watched an episode on special assignment about how some guys where standing trial for robbing body parts for vodoo purposes, among them was a priest (which gave me a damn good reason not to attend evening prayers on campus). I have been doing a little investigative journalism by walking the streets of Thohoyandou at night all alone and have met a few suspect characters one of which visibly had a knife in his pocket, but none of them seemed interested in me. I guess my body parts have been used so much they are probably worth nothing.

Later

Tying the knot

Marriage is made out to be this neccessary evil that we have to go through and since I have never been hitched myself I cant say much about the topic but there are people who believe that every man should get married at some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life! I am not really thinking about getting married anytime soon but my decision to go back to school was largely based on that possibility. I just wanted something to fall back on in case my alcohol induced business ideas fell through because women are demanding. The only reason you may have seen me walking hand in hand with my girlfriend at Balfour Mall was because I was afraid if I let go of her hand she would start shopping. In the words of Oscar Wilde "Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others."

Jealous lover.

Since no one has been approaching me with their problems of late, I decided to go around blogland looking for problems and lucky me the "caricaturist" had a cry for help on tjo-tjo-tjo. And I quote -

"so after numerous heartbreaches and being quinea pigged by men. Shame on me mind you. i dcided to take a backseat on life and sorta let it past me by. figured some getting to know me would do me good, cos very soon the bio-clock is gonna get on the grind and we need to sift through the riff raff a.s.a.p. But now, for us (that being me myself and i - i prefer to think of myself in the plural its more holistic. thank the greeks) to be able to do this efficiently, we need to know ourselves to better understand what is best for us.



so then in my disinterest in fly-by-night individuals, i dcided to develop a very mild case of antisociability. figured we'd be come a hermit (actually recluse is more befitting) for a while till things snapped back into order in the brain.



anyhow, so now this random person happens to develop feelings for little old me n sorta refuses to acknowledge certain life pattern changes i have become accustomed to. anyway


so now i dcide that okay. i'm gona give this dude a chance, BUT, this time our blinkers are coming off and we gonna make sure that everything is under the scrutiny of tyler perry.

so anyway, i go do the lets give u a chance thing and the next thing i hear is that well if you dont get rid of all your guy friends i cant date you?!


like hullo???!!! u do realise that i had a life before you and it involved me and my guy friends...so err exactly who are you?? okay ya, u the boyfriend, mara how long have u been around for?? u cant just expect me to ditch the crew just so ur security issues can be sorted. anyway. please let me know what's cracking anyone who has the idea.BLACK MEN HELP!!!! n the white guy too."

Dear caricaturist

Men are all the same, black, white, green etc. The problem is that usually guys who know they are dating beyond their league will always have insecurity issues. The thing is first and foremost the guy knows for a fact that your male friends are attracted to you, do not question this as it is true. I have many female friends but I admit that I didnt always want to take the friend route I just happened to find myself there and I am just waiting for their boyfriends to slip up so I can get in a "shoulder to lean on fuck". I also admit to having suffered from such insecurities in the past until I began to understand the one track relationship mentality women have as far as guys go.
Unfortunately this is a problem with no simple solution but I will tell you this. Do not compromise who you are for anyone, the sooner you understand that for yourself the stronger the foundation for your principles. In the end you wont settle for anything but the best and when you meet a guy who understands that about you, he will never have a problem trusting you because you have firm ground to stand on.

Kwaki

PS - Unfortunately for all the ladies who might read this and think I am a great catch, sorry I am already taken by someone who helped me reach the level of understanding I am at now.

If you have a word of advice please post it on her comments page.http://tjo-tjo-tjo.blogspot.com/

Points to ponder

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Career change

The reason I havent been posting is because they introduced a new security system at the student comp lab which requires finger print identification, as it would seem I dont have fingerprints. They have been tring to include me for the past two weeks and despite every effort I dont seem to be able to satisfy the scanner, I dont have fingerprints. I can see them when I look at my hand but masturbation must have eroded them somewhat coz the scanner just aint reading them. I thought it was a myth that masturbation eroded your fingerprints but I guess there is some truth to it afterall, makes you wonder what other urban legends based on masturbation are true. Will I go blind next, or maybe grow hair on my palms????? This scared me to the point of visiting my girlfriend last weekend and getting in a good two months worth of shag to the point that she chased me away. It worked though today I got my fingerprints scanned and am back to blogging, so for now I have somthing more constructive to do with my hands. Too bad I dont have a computer in my room but if all else fails and I go back to masturbating I might just start a career as a criminal, they will never be able to pin a robbery on me based on fingerprints.

Whose your uncle???

Whats in a name...

When I was in Swaziland my name used to get me laid a lot, it was the greatest pickup line.
Me - Hi, my name is Lihwa
Her - Unique name what does it mean?
Me - Translated from Sotho to Swati it means Likhwa
Her - Do you know what that means in SiSwati?
Me - No
Her - Its a handsome guy who is loved by women
Me - Stop it youre making me blush
......and the next thing I know she is screaming it while we fuck.
The thing I forgot to mention in Swaziland was that my name translated to Swati actually meant Lifa, which is inheritance/heritage I am not quite sure.
Have you ever noticed that some parents give really optimistic names, I remember I once learnt with a guy called Handsome who was far from being that. My high school bully was called Musa, but he never showed me mercy, and Angel turned out to be the kind of girl her mother always warned her not to play with.

Kwaki

Strike

Well the bored students of UNIVEN decided to go on strike today, conveniantly during my lesson. They are complaining about some guy stealing a few million rand meant for the students, as if marching around and vandalising property will bring it back. This just might mean a longer easter weekend than anticipated. Now I just have to decide where to go, visit Nelspruit and enjoy over a couple of drinks with the diva or go to Joburg and enjoy over a couple of shags with the girlfriend ....... tough decision there. Am using internet cafe since they closed the student computer lab and my time is up, later

Whose your uncle??

Sex and marriage

Scientists have discovered a food substance that reduces a womans sexual drive by 90%, the wedding cake. I got an interesting email today and seeing as no one in blogland seems to be having any problems I decided to post it instead.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365times. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching soapies
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times y you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING....... TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and some one kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was runny
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion afterthinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on T V

Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Well I guess there is always two sides to every story, by the way Venda is cold today.

Virgin..

Dear Kwaki

I am a teenage girl who recently matriculated and am now studying at University, the thing is I am a virgin and truthfully speaking the thought of sex scares me and I find it disgusting. I hear my friends talking about it all the time and sometimes I am forced to lie because the only thing I have ever done is kiss, which I enjoy a lot. Am I normal ??I consider myself to be quite attractive and I have been getting lots of attention from fellow male students and there is one I am interested in, what do I do????

Virgin

Dear Virgin

For a while there you got me thinking I had got an e-mail from Richard Branson until I read your message. I am impressed you even survived high school without losing your virginity from what I hear some kindergarden kids have more experience than you. Anyway the way you talk about sex I presume you expected that the first guy to chow you would use a fork and knife. Sex is disgusting, it was meant to be enjoyed that way. It is a pleasurable process which has bodily fluids flying in all sorts of directions, you will get to kiss some guy who has morning breath the next day. That is just the way it is and the sooner you get off your high horse and realise this, the better your first time will be. Bear in mind sex is an aquired taste, it gets better with time and more exploration of yourself to find out the best positions that give you the required satisfaction so masturbate a lot. Be safe at all times trust no one and never do something out of pressure. Usually I am an asshole when answering people but you caught me in a good mood, i just had sex ..... so you see it cant be that bad. By the way if you happen to be in UNIVEN my room number is ..........

Kwaki

My acceptance speech

Won a Kasie blog award for most humorous blog and am still working on my acceptance speech, but my therapist will definitely be included.....unless she sends me another bill this month for her therapists bills. Go figure, I must be really fucked up to send my therapist to therapy. Kasie blog awards aside went to the SA Blog awards site and can you imagine the horror when I saw this "Please note, that due to insufficient nominations for any contest, the following categories have been discontinued from voting: Best GLBT Blog, Best African Language, Best Post about SA Blog Awards, Best Social Upliftment, Most Controversial Blog" OK I wouldn't know about the first one but I could come up with a few nominees for the other ones. Best African language would have to go to Kliffoday for posting his blogs in a language quite similar to English. Best Post about SA Blog Award would have to go to Kasiekulture for his post last year on the blog awards which raised so much debate and saw some of us frantically subscribing to Afrigator with the hopes of being nominated, little good that did us. Best Social upliftment would have to go to the Holy Nigga who turned his girlfriend dumping him because of monetary issues into a church dedicated to the pursuit of money ... OK let me rephrase that, I meant a church openly dedicated to the pursuit of money after all lets face it they all are. Most Controversial blog would have to go to me ..... just for the sake of nje.

Terms and conditions apply

Entering a relationship without caution is like going to buy a cellphone using the catalogue price without reading the fine print. There are always hidden costs and sacrifices involved it sucks. This applies to one night stands as well as I have recently found out, makes you wonder if anything in life is really as it seems. Ahh well, just another lesson I guess. Never make hasty decisions otherwise you might find yourself settling for something you hadnt bargained for. Until later ..... who's your uncle.

Blog awards

So much for the Mzansi awards but here is a little sumthing 4 u guys
Just a simple survey among the bloggers; who is:
The charmer in the group
The pervert in the group
The most inspirational in the group
The most annoying
The one you would like to meet oneday
The one you just cant figure out
The funniest
Feel free to add your own options and candidates, you cant vote for yourself

Load shedding

My cousin decided to leave for Zim and I had to stay behind for a battle of the DJ's thingy and I am currently in the dark literally, he forgot to pay the electricity bill. So poor me will have to make do without electricity for the entire weekend. Ouch