Whats in a name...

When I was in Swaziland my name used to get me laid a lot, it was the greatest pickup line.
Me - Hi, my name is Lihwa
Her - Unique name what does it mean?
Me - Translated from Sotho to Swati it means Likhwa
Her - Do you know what that means in SiSwati?
Me - No
Her - Its a handsome guy who is loved by women
Me - Stop it youre making me blush
......and the next thing I know she is screaming it while we fuck.
The thing I forgot to mention in Swaziland was that my name translated to Swati actually meant Lifa, which is inheritance/heritage I am not quite sure.
Have you ever noticed that some parents give really optimistic names, I remember I once learnt with a guy called Handsome who was far from being that. My high school bully was called Musa, but he never showed me mercy, and Angel turned out to be the kind of girl her mother always warned her not to play with.

Kwaki

Strike

Well the bored students of UNIVEN decided to go on strike today, conveniantly during my lesson. They are complaining about some guy stealing a few million rand meant for the students, as if marching around and vandalising property will bring it back. This just might mean a longer easter weekend than anticipated. Now I just have to decide where to go, visit Nelspruit and enjoy over a couple of drinks with the diva or go to Joburg and enjoy over a couple of shags with the girlfriend ....... tough decision there. Am using internet cafe since they closed the student computer lab and my time is up, later

Whose your uncle??

Sex and marriage

Scientists have discovered a food substance that reduces a womans sexual drive by 90%, the wedding cake. I got an interesting email today and seeing as no one in blogland seems to be having any problems I decided to post it instead.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365times. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching soapies
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times y you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING....... TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and some one kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was runny
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion afterthinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on T V

Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Well I guess there is always two sides to every story, by the way Venda is cold today.

Virgin..

Dear Kwaki

I am a teenage girl who recently matriculated and am now studying at University, the thing is I am a virgin and truthfully speaking the thought of sex scares me and I find it disgusting. I hear my friends talking about it all the time and sometimes I am forced to lie because the only thing I have ever done is kiss, which I enjoy a lot. Am I normal ??I consider myself to be quite attractive and I have been getting lots of attention from fellow male students and there is one I am interested in, what do I do????

Virgin

Dear Virgin

For a while there you got me thinking I had got an e-mail from Richard Branson until I read your message. I am impressed you even survived high school without losing your virginity from what I hear some kindergarden kids have more experience than you. Anyway the way you talk about sex I presume you expected that the first guy to chow you would use a fork and knife. Sex is disgusting, it was meant to be enjoyed that way. It is a pleasurable process which has bodily fluids flying in all sorts of directions, you will get to kiss some guy who has morning breath the next day. That is just the way it is and the sooner you get off your high horse and realise this, the better your first time will be. Bear in mind sex is an aquired taste, it gets better with time and more exploration of yourself to find out the best positions that give you the required satisfaction so masturbate a lot. Be safe at all times trust no one and never do something out of pressure. Usually I am an asshole when answering people but you caught me in a good mood, i just had sex ..... so you see it cant be that bad. By the way if you happen to be in UNIVEN my room number is ..........

Kwaki

My acceptance speech

Won a Kasie blog award for most humorous blog and am still working on my acceptance speech, but my therapist will definitely be included.....unless she sends me another bill this month for her therapists bills. Go figure, I must be really fucked up to send my therapist to therapy. Kasie blog awards aside went to the SA Blog awards site and can you imagine the horror when I saw this "Please note, that due to insufficient nominations for any contest, the following categories have been discontinued from voting: Best GLBT Blog, Best African Language, Best Post about SA Blog Awards, Best Social Upliftment, Most Controversial Blog" OK I wouldn't know about the first one but I could come up with a few nominees for the other ones. Best African language would have to go to Kliffoday for posting his blogs in a language quite similar to English. Best Post about SA Blog Award would have to go to Kasiekulture for his post last year on the blog awards which raised so much debate and saw some of us frantically subscribing to Afrigator with the hopes of being nominated, little good that did us. Best Social upliftment would have to go to the Holy Nigga who turned his girlfriend dumping him because of monetary issues into a church dedicated to the pursuit of money ... OK let me rephrase that, I meant a church openly dedicated to the pursuit of money after all lets face it they all are. Most Controversial blog would have to go to me ..... just for the sake of nje.

Terms and conditions apply

Entering a relationship without caution is like going to buy a cellphone using the catalogue price without reading the fine print. There are always hidden costs and sacrifices involved it sucks. This applies to one night stands as well as I have recently found out, makes you wonder if anything in life is really as it seems. Ahh well, just another lesson I guess. Never make hasty decisions otherwise you might find yourself settling for something you hadnt bargained for. Until later ..... who's your uncle.

Blog awards

So much for the Mzansi awards but here is a little sumthing 4 u guys
Just a simple survey among the bloggers; who is:
The charmer in the group
The pervert in the group
The most inspirational in the group
The most annoying
The one you would like to meet oneday
The one you just cant figure out
The funniest
Feel free to add your own options and candidates, you cant vote for yourself

Load shedding

My cousin decided to leave for Zim and I had to stay behind for a battle of the DJ's thingy and I am currently in the dark literally, he forgot to pay the electricity bill. So poor me will have to make do without electricity for the entire weekend. Ouch

Bootleg porn titles

You have to admit some porn titles are amusing,especially ripoffs from hollywood blockbusters for example the following. Feel free to come up with your own bootleg titles in the comments link......
The porn identity - The Bourne identity
A Few Hard Men - A Few Good men
A League of their Moan - A league of their own
A Tale of Two Titties - A tale of two cities
Assablanca - Cassablanca
Bi-Dazzled - Bedazzled
Booty and the Beast- Beauty and the beast
Buffy the Vampire Layer - Buffy the vampire slayer
Cliff Banger - Cliff Hanger
Done In 60 Seconds - Gone in 60 seconds
Everybody Does Raymond - Everybody loves raymond
Fatal Erection - Fatal attraction
Feeling Forrester - Finding Forrester
Foreskin Gump - Forrest Gump
Glad-he-ate-her - Gladiator
Great Sexpectations - Great expectations
Halloween: ResERECTION - Halloween: RESURECTION
I Know Who You Did Last Summer - I know what you did last summer
Inspect-Her-Gadget - Inspector gadget
King Dong - King Kong
Laid in Manhattan - Maid in Manhattan
Jane Blonde-License To Thrill - James Bond-Licence to kill
Phallus in Wonderland - Alice in wonderland
Poke-'em All: The Movie - Pokemon: The movie
Pulp Friction - Pulp fiction
Remember the Tightuns' - Remember the Titans
Riding Miss Daisy - Driving miss daisy
Romeo in Juliet - Romeo and juliet
Star Whores: The Empire Likes Black - Star Wars: The empire strikes back
Swallow Hal - Shallow Hal
The Bootyguard - The Bodyguard
The Horny-Mooners - The honeymooners
The Loin King - The Lion King

My fate in UNIVEN

Well after a lot of running up and down I am finally registered and I got my student card today which means I can now drink at the student bar ...... oh and attend lessons. Only thing standing in my way now is accommodation. I am thinking of visiting Zimbabwe this weekend so if all goes well will be leaving on Friday morning and will be back on Sunday. This place is still the closest thing to a biblical hell in terms of the weather. Nothing much to say but remember kwaki is your uncle.

I cant spell 'Diarrhea'

I have always defined courage as attemting to fart in public when you have an extreme case of diarrhea, now that takes balls. I remember me and the diva were drinking one day and we found ourselves talking about things you shouldn't do when you have diarrhea and although I have forgotten most of them here are a few - wrestling, sex, watch a horror/comedy, swim in public pool and the comments page is for more suggestions. Ever wondered how "they" come up with such clinical terms like diarrhea, the name says it all - dire rear (he he he), what about menopause - pausing men (hmmmmm) later

Its my fault

I feel guilty for Bafana Bafanas defeat during the AFCON cup, the thing is I didnt blog and trash football as a sport. If you look at the archives during the rugby world cup I trashed rugby in the post 'manly sports' and look what happened, South Africa won. So if you forgive me I promise to give soccer a worthwhile trashing just before the world cup......we might just get away with the cup.

Weekend special

Have been drinking a lot these past couple of days and the booze just doesn't go down the same without the diva to push me to my limits, miss you. Sex on the other hand doesn't easily come to my mind nowadays considering the weather, although I have spotted some potential. Well I will be posting next week to let you know the fate of my registration process so the question still remains......To be or not to be.

VENDA

One word best describes this place, hot. Besides feeling like I am in a sauna 24/7 there is one advantage ...... I now have a good excuse to drink ice cold beer a lot more often than usual. Turns out my registration wasnt finalised and I might not be learning here after all so Nelspruit just might be seeing my black ass again. I think a mosquito bit my dick....or I might have an STD, although I havent fucked since I got here.

I will freak you right

Any freak worth their name will tell you nothing weighs more heavily on the mind than the potential for improper freakage.I am not saying this is always the case but the most mind blowing sex you can receive is usually from the not so attractive ones. I have had sex with some very beautiful people some of them paegent runnerups but sometimes its as if they are doing you a favour and you should be having grateful orgasms because truthfully speaking their perfomance wont be deserving of one. The thing about me is I am not easy to please sexually because I try and satisfy my partners needs to the fullest and a little effort on her part to fulfill mine is very much appreciated.And somehow women also think handsome guys are for show only. So here is the question.Do you think excess beauty makes for bad sex?

Divorced

Dear Kwaki

I am in my early teens and my parents are getting a divorce. I am confused because it feels like when they argue I am suppossed to pick a side and I love them both equally. The whole thing is stressing me I dont know what to do.

Stuck in between

Dear Stuck in between (unless that wasnt yo alias, and the electricity went while u were typing the sentence)

I understand how this can be a confusing time in your life, especially considering that as a teenager you already have enough stress and the last thing you need is your parents adding on to that. However you are looking at this from the wrong angle, since both your parents seem to want to win you over to their respective sides you should use this to your advantage by milking them both for all they are worth. They will spoil you rotten for the next couple of months and if I was you I would stop writing letters to agony uncles and start writing a list of all the things I want. Besides at least now you wont have to imagine them having sex.

Your uncle

Kwaki

PS: There are a couple of things I need as well, I will email you my list.

Serial Killer????

This is the reason Blaq thought I was a serial killer the frist time she saw me. I am not shaving this year until I )*()*^(^(*)*&*^R*)(&&*^$&%*)^(&%&&%#%#!%^%#%#@^

T-Shirt ideas

Ladies, stopping to read this t-shirt will increase the chances of me kissing you by 87%, removing it guarantees I will muff you.
Warning, women passing here may be subject to general inapropriete talk and vulgar comments about the size of their breasts and buttocks.
I can see you are thinking of it so why dont u just do it, my number is 0822285619.
I wrote this slowly for those of you who cant read fast.

And you thought the new year would change me.Today MBTV was holding auditions and I heard there were lots of women present, I wasnt there because I will be judging the screening process and I cant seem to be biased ... of course if u read this and you auditioned, it wont hurt your case to fuck me.(Just joking)

2000 and great

So much for 2000 and heaven. Well let us see what this year has in store for us.

Merry Christmas

Well it has been an interesting year and all I can say is I have met some people who have convinced me that the mind is indeed a cradle of filth. All in all an enlightening year. Merry Christmas to all the bloggers and blogger lovers especially the ones featured on the web links by the side panel. May you guys continue having drama in your lives so you can entertain the 'normal' people and me. Love you guys and dont worry about me going to Venda for a year to further my studies, I am sure the University of Venda has internet facilities ..... I hope. So until the next time Kwaki is your uncle, so bring on the problems.