Bootleg porn titles

You have to admit some porn titles are amusing,especially ripoffs from hollywood blockbusters for example the following. Feel free to come up with your own bootleg titles in the comments link......
The porn identity - The Bourne identity
A Few Hard Men - A Few Good men
A League of their Moan - A league of their own
A Tale of Two Titties - A tale of two cities
Assablanca - Cassablanca
Bi-Dazzled - Bedazzled
Booty and the Beast- Beauty and the beast
Buffy the Vampire Layer - Buffy the vampire slayer
Cliff Banger - Cliff Hanger
Done In 60 Seconds - Gone in 60 seconds
Everybody Does Raymond - Everybody loves raymond
Fatal Erection - Fatal attraction
Feeling Forrester - Finding Forrester
Foreskin Gump - Forrest Gump
Glad-he-ate-her - Gladiator
Great Sexpectations - Great expectations
Halloween: ResERECTION - Halloween: RESURECTION
I Know Who You Did Last Summer - I know what you did last summer
Inspect-Her-Gadget - Inspector gadget
King Dong - King Kong
Laid in Manhattan - Maid in Manhattan
Jane Blonde-License To Thrill - James Bond-Licence to kill
Phallus in Wonderland - Alice in wonderland
Poke-'em All: The Movie - Pokemon: The movie
Pulp Friction - Pulp fiction
Remember the Tightuns' - Remember the Titans
Riding Miss Daisy - Driving miss daisy
Romeo in Juliet - Romeo and juliet
Star Whores: The Empire Likes Black - Star Wars: The empire strikes back
Swallow Hal - Shallow Hal
The Bootyguard - The Bodyguard
The Horny-Mooners - The honeymooners
The Loin King - The Lion King

My fate in UNIVEN

Well after a lot of running up and down I am finally registered and I got my student card today which means I can now drink at the student bar ...... oh and attend lessons. Only thing standing in my way now is accommodation. I am thinking of visiting Zimbabwe this weekend so if all goes well will be leaving on Friday morning and will be back on Sunday. This place is still the closest thing to a biblical hell in terms of the weather. Nothing much to say but remember kwaki is your uncle.

I cant spell 'Diarrhea'

I have always defined courage as attemting to fart in public when you have an extreme case of diarrhea, now that takes balls. I remember me and the diva were drinking one day and we found ourselves talking about things you shouldn't do when you have diarrhea and although I have forgotten most of them here are a few - wrestling, sex, watch a horror/comedy, swim in public pool and the comments page is for more suggestions. Ever wondered how "they" come up with such clinical terms like diarrhea, the name says it all - dire rear (he he he), what about menopause - pausing men (hmmmmm) later

Its my fault

I feel guilty for Bafana Bafanas defeat during the AFCON cup, the thing is I didnt blog and trash football as a sport. If you look at the archives during the rugby world cup I trashed rugby in the post 'manly sports' and look what happened, South Africa won. So if you forgive me I promise to give soccer a worthwhile trashing just before the world cup......we might just get away with the cup.

Weekend special

Have been drinking a lot these past couple of days and the booze just doesn't go down the same without the diva to push me to my limits, miss you. Sex on the other hand doesn't easily come to my mind nowadays considering the weather, although I have spotted some potential. Well I will be posting next week to let you know the fate of my registration process so the question still remains......To be or not to be.

VENDA

One word best describes this place, hot. Besides feeling like I am in a sauna 24/7 there is one advantage ...... I now have a good excuse to drink ice cold beer a lot more often than usual. Turns out my registration wasnt finalised and I might not be learning here after all so Nelspruit just might be seeing my black ass again. I think a mosquito bit my dick....or I might have an STD, although I havent fucked since I got here.

I will freak you right

Any freak worth their name will tell you nothing weighs more heavily on the mind than the potential for improper freakage.I am not saying this is always the case but the most mind blowing sex you can receive is usually from the not so attractive ones. I have had sex with some very beautiful people some of them paegent runnerups but sometimes its as if they are doing you a favour and you should be having grateful orgasms because truthfully speaking their perfomance wont be deserving of one. The thing about me is I am not easy to please sexually because I try and satisfy my partners needs to the fullest and a little effort on her part to fulfill mine is very much appreciated.And somehow women also think handsome guys are for show only. So here is the question.Do you think excess beauty makes for bad sex?

Divorced

Dear Kwaki

I am in my early teens and my parents are getting a divorce. I am confused because it feels like when they argue I am suppossed to pick a side and I love them both equally. The whole thing is stressing me I dont know what to do.

Stuck in between

Dear Stuck in between (unless that wasnt yo alias, and the electricity went while u were typing the sentence)

I understand how this can be a confusing time in your life, especially considering that as a teenager you already have enough stress and the last thing you need is your parents adding on to that. However you are looking at this from the wrong angle, since both your parents seem to want to win you over to their respective sides you should use this to your advantage by milking them both for all they are worth. They will spoil you rotten for the next couple of months and if I was you I would stop writing letters to agony uncles and start writing a list of all the things I want. Besides at least now you wont have to imagine them having sex.

Your uncle

Kwaki

PS: There are a couple of things I need as well, I will email you my list.

Serial Killer????

This is the reason Blaq thought I was a serial killer the frist time she saw me. I am not shaving this year until I )*()*^(^(*)*&*^R*)(&&*^$&%*)^(&%&&%#%#!%^%#%#@^

T-Shirt ideas

Ladies, stopping to read this t-shirt will increase the chances of me kissing you by 87%, removing it guarantees I will muff you.
Warning, women passing here may be subject to general inapropriete talk and vulgar comments about the size of their breasts and buttocks.
I can see you are thinking of it so why dont u just do it, my number is 0822285619.
I wrote this slowly for those of you who cant read fast.

And you thought the new year would change me.Today MBTV was holding auditions and I heard there were lots of women present, I wasnt there because I will be judging the screening process and I cant seem to be biased ... of course if u read this and you auditioned, it wont hurt your case to fuck me.(Just joking)

2000 and great

So much for 2000 and heaven. Well let us see what this year has in store for us.

Merry Christmas

Well it has been an interesting year and all I can say is I have met some people who have convinced me that the mind is indeed a cradle of filth. All in all an enlightening year. Merry Christmas to all the bloggers and blogger lovers especially the ones featured on the web links by the side panel. May you guys continue having drama in your lives so you can entertain the 'normal' people and me. Love you guys and dont worry about me going to Venda for a year to further my studies, I am sure the University of Venda has internet facilities ..... I hope. So until the next time Kwaki is your uncle, so bring on the problems.

Vanity ....

Ok this I just had to say, I saw a BMW X5 one of the newer models with a personalised number plate written "WEALTHY MP", but do you have to state the obvious, I mean sure you are wealthy .... dah.

On another tip have you noticed these T-shirts worn by women nowadays which have all sorts of pick up lines on them. Talk about branding, but I am not complaining I mean after all it makes the job easier for us men when we break the ice. I am thinking of getting myself one as well .... any guesses as to what it will say????? Will post the pic of me wearing it anytime soon, so ladies you better recognize.

My Imaginary interview with Bertha

I happened to be with Bertha of the Big Brother Africa 2 fad, and although I have never watched an episode of the 'reality' series I asked around and from my minor inquisition, I imagined an interview with her, bear in mind I never studied journalism.





Kwaki - So how has life been since BBA





Bertha - Profitable





Kwaki - How so?





Bertha - I get paid huge amounts of cash to just make an appearence, and pretend to motivate people. I mean most of the time they dont listen to me they are just starring and imagining its shower hour.





Kwaki - Considering todays function was intended for the youth, do you consider your stay in the BBA house as inspirational to the youth especially the women?





Bertha - If you ignore the fact that I was a lying, man stealing, back stabbing, conniving bitch who was kicked out before the finals then my answer would have to be yes, because despite all that I now own a succesful PR company in Zim, and am being invited the whole continent over to share my experiences in the house.

Kwaki - How did it feel being deprived of your privacy, from what I hear you seemed to be the most comfortable with the situation?

Bertha - I am from Zim ..... go figure.

Kwaki - So I presume you never felt homesick in that regard... just joking

Why I would rather be a player

Apart from yodemos emotional breakdown there are more meaningful reasons why I would rather not tie myself down to one woman, the best reason being trust. Let us face it, how many of us have met someone and started a sexual relationship using condoms for a few months and then without an aids test somewhere after the three month barrier conveniently forgot to use them ..... out of trust. Trust is a luxury I cannot afford. I would rather sleep with a different woman daily and use protection all the time than trust one woman whose hobbies might include the occasional miscellaneous celebrity dick, I know because I have been that dick on more than a few occasions. So people love but dont trust, because whatever you are capable of doing your better half is capable of worse.

Your uncle

Kwaki

Invitation to all producers

I-Media will be launching its own TV station on the 1st of December, the station will be broadcast on the DSTV public bouqet .... will give further details as soon as they are available. We are offering independant broadcasters and production studios the chance to showcase their talent, send us your quality broadcast material via courier to Mpumalanga Broadcasting Television, 15 Paul Kruger Street, Suite 307 Belmont Villas, Nelspruit 1200, South Africa. Accepted formats are DVD-Pal and Mini DV Cam. Send Music Videos, Documentaries, Short stories, Movies e.t.c but make sure its broadcast quality.....

Blog Story

This is an open invite to all bloggers for us to create a novel, each blogger is allowed at most 500 words to continue the story from where the last blogger left off. Characters in the story should be from Blogland no matter where they are .... the story has no particular theme, it can be a comedy, thriller, horror, soapie etc, all you do is continue the story in the comments page and every day I will copy it and paste your continuation to the main page so who will start???

AfroSLiQ Diva said...
Once upon a time in a little town called Nelspruit lived a cute girl that had passion for any beverage with an alcohol %. Most people thought she was weird and a hell lot of women felt uncomfortable everytime she spoke to their "men" - that still remains a mystery till today. but one day she met a girl called J and P, things were just fine till they all met some guys called K and L..... From that day things were surely never gonna be the same.............................

Kwaki said ...
It was not long before the charming L also known as Kwaki had wormed his way into the lives of Afrosliq, J aka Blaque and P aka Khauki. Unknowingly trusting Kwaki the three ladies and even his accomplice K aka Kliffoday had no idea he was actually an undercover NIA agent posing as a foreigner. His mission was to uncover a syndicate of ruthless heartbreakers and bring them to justice. The NIA had long suspected Afrosliq or 'The Diva' as she was known in high circles and her friends but could not prove it as all agents who had been sent before Kwaki had gotten themselves too emotionally involved with the suspects, with good reason to fall in love for they were so deceitfully innocent and loveable.

AfroSLiQ Diva said...
And then just when they had thought that isht couldn't get worse, a series of eerie sitchs started happening........On Hunters Street other isht was going down. Afroliq found herself in a sitch where she was forced to play a mother role to a 22year old female who is horny 24/7 with a very bad drinking habit, add to that a boyfriend that thinks he can control who comes to AFROSLIQ'S house - when he doesn't pay the rent there???? Imagine, how pissed off SLiQ must have been, boyfriend comes with dog that was fed SLIQ'S food from her frige!!! Now that was just pushing it.SLIQ had to act fast before isht got out of hand... so she started behaving like a nasty witch, it made certain people feel very uncomfortable each time they though of doing something she disliked @ her house.......

Does beer talk?

Ever wondered why is it when people drink .... they seem to have infinite wisdom, and then you ask yourself if it is the beer talking, or maybe the beer just happens to tap into their rather unused archives of thought that they would usually ignore which contain brave ideas and opinions. Makes you wonder whether genius is simply a perpetual high? I dont know but the comments page is there for a reason, use it ...... preferably when you are high.

Life

Ever had one of those weeks where death seems like the best way out, Tuesday was hell in more ways than one but somethings are too sacred 4 the internet. To my sister Constance I know I cant be with you right now but I am with you in spirit and prayer.

Later

Kasiexpress

Well my birthday party was happening (apparantly) I wasnt there for most of the time but Blu-Peach held it down, big up 2 Stax and Josh for allowing me to be part of their event. They will be having another deep house session this weekend and tune into BCR for the details. Kasiekulture I read your comment on the Divas blog, all I have to say is thank God those labourous drives to Baberton are finally paying out.

Well the movement is still on and people from Jozi are begining to notice, met Forbes (Mega's manager) over the weekend and he was overwhelmed by the collection of talent so far.

'Please lord may the next caller be female'

Other wise I will be back on a more Kwaki tip, just got an e-mail from my brother which just cleaned all the perversions I may have. Hey man you know I am here for you.