Wednesday, November 26, 2008

More words of wisdom

In life never be moved like Mugabe.
Never give up like Tsvangirai.
Grab opportunities like Mutambara.
Strive to grow like Zimbabwean inflation.
When they chase you away keep coming back like the zeroes on the Zim dollar.

And you thought nothing good could be said about the situation in Zimbabwe.

A sad day in history.

A message to all members of

Hi Sondezees,

Due to a number of legal reasons we have been forced to stop We'd like to thank all our members for making Sondeza the best Adult Social network in SA. At this stage we are not sure how long it will take to bring back to life again.

We'll be doing online marketing, consulting and website development.If you want your business to succeed online you can get in touch with us on

Thank you,

Sondeza Admin Team

Visit at:

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Penis envy

Why is it that the regular women in my life have the tendency to christian my penis with a name. This means Charlie (current name of my dick) has had numerous name changes and I hope this doesnt lead to him developing a multi personality disorder or worse yet schizophrenia. Now I dont mind the name calling but sometimes charlie gets more attention than me during sex and although i understand he plays a huge role in the sex, my presence in the room should at least be aknowledged. If you are going to scream a name, scream mine not Charlies....after all how do I know you didnt name my dick after an ex-lover?
Am coming back to Nelspruit sometime next week.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Curse or a blessing?

One fine day in the past month i discovered to my anguish that a man called horse was human again, ok let me rephrase that; my dick shrunk. I dont know how it happened but it didnt have the effect i thought it would. I initially thought my reputation was going to go down the drain but infact it kinda motivated me to be a better lover. In the past i used to stick my dick in the pussy and by my shear size alone i knew i could touch intimate places without knowing where they were. Now since i cant rely on size i have had to rely on skill. It has actually made me more explorative in my lovemaking and if ever i can regain my size again i will rock.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I tried this

I got this e-mail from a friend of mine...

Here's something for all you medical know-it-alls:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It is called the 'anal optic nerve'. It's responsible for giving
people a 'sh!itty outlook' on life or for you Afrikaans know-it-alls
-'n kak gedagte.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your @ss, and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Interesting ain't it that some people wonder why their bum fluff exists????

Friday, September 19, 2008

That time of the year again

Yeah, its spring and we welcome all the less than conservative women out there who show enough skin to make blush (to Kasie how u discovered that site is beyond me but God bless your site tracking skills), but more importantly than bum riders and mini skirts its my birthday on the 23rd of September. My birthday was made for partying hence there is a public holiday the day after, so u can nurse your hangover before going back to work the next day. Diva congrats on your job, more especially your car....cant wait too take it for a spin.

Craziest thing I did so far was walk around my campus residency naked on spring day accompanied by two beautiful and equally naked women. So I just introduced the naked mile to Venda, too bad I didn't capture the whole thing on camera for

Later,I have a shitload of assignments that refuse to write themselves.

Your uncle is back

Driving for dummies

If I was a fly on the wall

I always wondered what Bob talked about in private...

Monday, August 4, 2008

Chain letters

Dont u just hate chain letters? I used to have penpals until they started sending me silly messages about people who had died after not sending that particular letter to twenty people, then chain letters invaded e-mails as if we didn't have enough junk mail from people who want to enlarge our penises and sell us viagra. Luckily when sms revolution started it was too costly to text chain letters, but alas there was Mxit. Some people who have nothing better to do than abuse their fingers are busy sending lengthy chain letters some of which claim to date before mxit even came to be. Some people seriously need to get laid.

Todays Proverb "It requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum" - Ghana.
This is what someone told Mbeki before he started talks with Bob, hence the quiet diplomacy. He knows better than to just swat the evasive bugger with a hammer causing more damage to his own country i.e, his balls. Some situations just need to be handled with care or they might backfire. Until then Kwakis your uncle.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I want to break down the last couple of weeks of my life in brief. Firstly me and former girlfriend made a clean break, this time for good. I got tired of a yo-yo relationship. Went to Nelspruit and had some fun moments with friends including a punctured tyre and a rather weird form of marketing. When we decided to leave Miss Barberton there was Kaos at the gate so I knew there would be a lot of pick pockets so I stashed all the contents of my pockets in one pocket and kept my hand in there as I pushed myself out. Then when I got out I discover people have been stuffing their business cards in my pockets, like I was gonna do business with someone who could do that. I also discovered that alcohol is cheaper in Golf Clubs, I should take up golf seriously. There was a tournament hosted by Vision 2000 last week Friday and the prizes for a days golf were plasma screens and laptops, complimentary prizes for just attending were heaters and some pretty nifty gadgets and there were even some prizes left behind and people were welcome to them. I really should take up Golf. On Sunday hitch hiked my way to Venda and it was some scary shit as it got dark before I could get anywhere near Thohoyandou. I remember some black tinted taxi with 666 as the digits on the number plate pulling over for me and I started reciting what little of the 'Lords prayer' I still remembered. But the guy was quite friendly and helped me out a lot. Well until then Kwaki is your uncle.

Will try explaining an African Proverb in each post starting with "When a man is stung by a bee, he doesn't set off to destroy all beehives". This could be applied to people who just because they dated dead beat losers go on to take it out on the entire opposite sex. Could have also come in handy to George Bush after the 9/11 attacks and he wouldn't have invaded Iraq making a complte full of himself and ruining the lives of innocent people.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

African Wisdom

"When a man is stung by a bee, he doesn't set off to destroy all beehives" - (Kenya).

"The man who marries a beautiful woman, and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem" - Ethiopia.

"A short man is not a boy" - Nigeria and "No matter how hot your anger is, it cannot cook yam" - Nigeria.

"It requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum" - Ghana.

"If the throat can grant passage to a knife, the anus should wonder how to expel it" - Seychelles.

"The frown on the face of the goat will stop it from being taken to the market" - Nigeria.

"An old lady feels uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb" - Ghana.

"The same sun that melts the wax, hardens the clay" - Niger.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there" - Uganda

"There's no virgin in a maternity ward" - Cameroon.

"A child can play with its mother's breasts, but not its father's testicles" – Guinea.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Some words of advice

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

A bus station is where a bus stops..
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say.........

Finished exams

Finally and since I am not going to joburg anymore the road to nelspruit beckons, are you guys ready? Will be there after the weekend would have come sooner but I am never one to refuse free rides. See you soon.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Nice from far but far from nice

We were all born intelligent then education ruined us, especially science. I have always hated science with its facts and all, I believe facts have diluted our spirituality and therefore we are not living towards our full potential in terms of the things we can do. There is one fact I believe though, light travels faster than sound. Why that fact only you may ask, well allow me to answer. Have you ever met people who seemed bright until you hear them speak and they show you the depths of their dullness, so you see light does travel faster than sound. If you dont get it dont worry you are probably one of them. I have realised that women seem to like me from a distance as well until I talk. The thing is I am a self proclaimed pervert, I dont believe in censorship of thoughts and speech because I hate having to think up a proper word or phrase for what is on my mind. When I want to fuck I want to fuck, I hate going through long winded stories in order to get laid. Dont ask me if I love you if I havent told you, dont make me choose between you and my girlfriend, and stop bragging to your friends about the superlative experience I gave you in bed and have the nerve to ask me why I slept with them when they knocked on my room at 12:34am naked.... what the hell was I supposed to do? Just venting off a couple of frustrations never mind me.

Am feeling a bit cranky today, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed ..... even though it is a single bed. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.


Friday, June 13, 2008


I dont really mind school ..... seriously I dont, its a great place to get high, stoned, fucked and sloshed. The only problem I have with it is the part where I actually have to learn. Lets face it if they took learning out of the equation we would have less dropouts. I am currently writing exams and its as if the lecturers were targeting those days when I bunked lessons to give the rest of the class the essential exam material. I swear there is a conspiracy against me, why do i have to be the only one not smiling after an exam. Oh; I saw Steavy Boys new website and I have to admit Shan G is good in designing, there is a picture of yours trully sitting in his former office. (Pic gallery number 8)Ahhh nostalgia. Anyway will be gracing Nelspruit soon after a brief conjugal visit in Joburg, not even Xenophobia can stop me from getting some. Oh and I have a lunch meeting in Nelspruit with a beautiful woman, by the way are we still on? Until then Kwaki is your Uncle

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Another reson why Mugabe should lose

Ok so maybe its not a good reason but hey, who cares. I just need him to lose so these facts can beat the JFK vs Lincon assasination facts posted by The Diva.

Mugabe was 56 when he became Prime Minister, elections where held on the 29th and it was on a Saturday..... Morgan is 56 and elections where held on the 29th and it was on a Saturday

Mugabe was 28 when MT was born , MT was 28 when Bob came to power in 1980 , MT will take power from Mugabe after ruling for 28yrs

Coincidence?I think not...........

Whose your uncle Bob?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

some scary shit

How many men have ever experienced this. You will be in bed or the couch usually alone and then you feel a presence pinning you down and suffocating you. You cant scream, talk or move. Usually someone walks in and the presence just lets go or it lets go of its own accord. All the guys I have ever asked this have admitted to having the experience, usually in their teenage years. It doesn't matter where they are from or what race they are. They all swear it wasn't a dream and as a fellow victim to the phenomena I can vouch to that. Last year I had another run in with the presence and I am now almost certain it is female, dont ask me how i managed to come to that conclusion. If there is someone out there who is wiser to the phenomena please enlighten us. If you have experienced this as well please share, and does it also happen to females?

Monday, May 26, 2008

More agonies of an agony uncle

The people said it, I just post it and this time I will just answer

Dear Kwaki
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my DVD player?
(Get a new DVD Player or new DVD's whichever will cost your stupid ass more)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
(I think I know you)

Dear Kwaki
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
(Because his own is ignorant, thats why)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I joined the Navy to see the world.I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
(I got married to have sex, now that I have had it how do I get out.... ok maybe yours is a bit complicated, try quiting)

Dear Kwaki
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist a visit an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
(Nice observation, must be hereditary)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
(I am just confused here)

Dear Kwaki
My mother is mean and short-tempered.I think she is going through her mental pause.
(Seems like your mental just stopped)

Dear Kwaki
I read a certain Agony Aunties column where she told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
(You got it bad)


you can now get your uncle on mxit. just invite me the number is 0822285619. advice for only 2 cents a message, or we can have mxit sex.... its slowly replacing phone sex.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The reason I haven't been posting

But seriously people out there can be dumb had a few letters from deeply troubled souls that left even me speechless.

Dear Kwaki

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
(Maybe he will make sure you dont get the evidence this time)

Dear Kwaki

I was married to Lihwa for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
(are you on drugs)

Dear Kwaki

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
(You should get a D.N.A test and while your are at the hospital pass by the psychiatric ward)


A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.Do you think they could be Lebanese?

( ahh.... I dont even have a come back for this one)