Merry Christmas

Well it has been an interesting year and all I can say is I have met some people who have convinced me that the mind is indeed a cradle of filth. All in all an enlightening year. Merry Christmas to all the bloggers and blogger lovers especially the ones featured on the web links by the side panel. May you guys continue having drama in your lives so you can entertain the 'normal' people and me. Love you guys and dont worry about me going to Venda for a year to further my studies, I am sure the University of Venda has internet facilities ..... I hope. So until the next time Kwaki is your uncle, so bring on the problems.

Vanity ....

Ok this I just had to say, I saw a BMW X5 one of the newer models with a personalised number plate written "WEALTHY MP", but do you have to state the obvious, I mean sure you are wealthy .... dah.

On another tip have you noticed these T-shirts worn by women nowadays which have all sorts of pick up lines on them. Talk about branding, but I am not complaining I mean after all it makes the job easier for us men when we break the ice. I am thinking of getting myself one as well .... any guesses as to what it will say????? Will post the pic of me wearing it anytime soon, so ladies you better recognize.

My Imaginary interview with Bertha

I happened to be with Bertha of the Big Brother Africa 2 fad, and although I have never watched an episode of the 'reality' series I asked around and from my minor inquisition, I imagined an interview with her, bear in mind I never studied journalism.





Kwaki - So how has life been since BBA





Bertha - Profitable





Kwaki - How so?





Bertha - I get paid huge amounts of cash to just make an appearence, and pretend to motivate people. I mean most of the time they dont listen to me they are just starring and imagining its shower hour.





Kwaki - Considering todays function was intended for the youth, do you consider your stay in the BBA house as inspirational to the youth especially the women?





Bertha - If you ignore the fact that I was a lying, man stealing, back stabbing, conniving bitch who was kicked out before the finals then my answer would have to be yes, because despite all that I now own a succesful PR company in Zim, and am being invited the whole continent over to share my experiences in the house.

Kwaki - How did it feel being deprived of your privacy, from what I hear you seemed to be the most comfortable with the situation?

Bertha - I am from Zim ..... go figure.

Kwaki - So I presume you never felt homesick in that regard... just joking

Why I would rather be a player

Apart from yodemos emotional breakdown there are more meaningful reasons why I would rather not tie myself down to one woman, the best reason being trust. Let us face it, how many of us have met someone and started a sexual relationship using condoms for a few months and then without an aids test somewhere after the three month barrier conveniently forgot to use them ..... out of trust. Trust is a luxury I cannot afford. I would rather sleep with a different woman daily and use protection all the time than trust one woman whose hobbies might include the occasional miscellaneous celebrity dick, I know because I have been that dick on more than a few occasions. So people love but dont trust, because whatever you are capable of doing your better half is capable of worse.

Your uncle

Kwaki

Invitation to all producers

I-Media will be launching its own TV station on the 1st of December, the station will be broadcast on the DSTV public bouqet .... will give further details as soon as they are available. We are offering independant broadcasters and production studios the chance to showcase their talent, send us your quality broadcast material via courier to Mpumalanga Broadcasting Television, 15 Paul Kruger Street, Suite 307 Belmont Villas, Nelspruit 1200, South Africa. Accepted formats are DVD-Pal and Mini DV Cam. Send Music Videos, Documentaries, Short stories, Movies e.t.c but make sure its broadcast quality.....

Blog Story

This is an open invite to all bloggers for us to create a novel, each blogger is allowed at most 500 words to continue the story from where the last blogger left off. Characters in the story should be from Blogland no matter where they are .... the story has no particular theme, it can be a comedy, thriller, horror, soapie etc, all you do is continue the story in the comments page and every day I will copy it and paste your continuation to the main page so who will start???

AfroSLiQ Diva said...
Once upon a time in a little town called Nelspruit lived a cute girl that had passion for any beverage with an alcohol %. Most people thought she was weird and a hell lot of women felt uncomfortable everytime she spoke to their "men" - that still remains a mystery till today. but one day she met a girl called J and P, things were just fine till they all met some guys called K and L..... From that day things were surely never gonna be the same.............................

Kwaki said ...
It was not long before the charming L also known as Kwaki had wormed his way into the lives of Afrosliq, J aka Blaque and P aka Khauki. Unknowingly trusting Kwaki the three ladies and even his accomplice K aka Kliffoday had no idea he was actually an undercover NIA agent posing as a foreigner. His mission was to uncover a syndicate of ruthless heartbreakers and bring them to justice. The NIA had long suspected Afrosliq or 'The Diva' as she was known in high circles and her friends but could not prove it as all agents who had been sent before Kwaki had gotten themselves too emotionally involved with the suspects, with good reason to fall in love for they were so deceitfully innocent and loveable.

AfroSLiQ Diva said...
And then just when they had thought that isht couldn't get worse, a series of eerie sitchs started happening........On Hunters Street other isht was going down. Afroliq found herself in a sitch where she was forced to play a mother role to a 22year old female who is horny 24/7 with a very bad drinking habit, add to that a boyfriend that thinks he can control who comes to AFROSLIQ'S house - when he doesn't pay the rent there???? Imagine, how pissed off SLiQ must have been, boyfriend comes with dog that was fed SLIQ'S food from her frige!!! Now that was just pushing it.SLIQ had to act fast before isht got out of hand... so she started behaving like a nasty witch, it made certain people feel very uncomfortable each time they though of doing something she disliked @ her house.......

Does beer talk?

Ever wondered why is it when people drink .... they seem to have infinite wisdom, and then you ask yourself if it is the beer talking, or maybe the beer just happens to tap into their rather unused archives of thought that they would usually ignore which contain brave ideas and opinions. Makes you wonder whether genius is simply a perpetual high? I dont know but the comments page is there for a reason, use it ...... preferably when you are high.

Life

Ever had one of those weeks where death seems like the best way out, Tuesday was hell in more ways than one but somethings are too sacred 4 the internet. To my sister Constance I know I cant be with you right now but I am with you in spirit and prayer.

Later

Kasiexpress

Well my birthday party was happening (apparantly) I wasnt there for most of the time but Blu-Peach held it down, big up 2 Stax and Josh for allowing me to be part of their event. They will be having another deep house session this weekend and tune into BCR for the details. Kasiekulture I read your comment on the Divas blog, all I have to say is thank God those labourous drives to Baberton are finally paying out.

Well the movement is still on and people from Jozi are begining to notice, met Forbes (Mega's manager) over the weekend and he was overwhelmed by the collection of talent so far.

'Please lord may the next caller be female'

Other wise I will be back on a more Kwaki tip, just got an e-mail from my brother which just cleaned all the perversions I may have. Hey man you know I am here for you.

Manly sports???

So the rugby world cup is about to start, or has it started already. If you haven’t guessed by now I am not really that much into sports and because of that most people think I am a gay trapped in the closet. I can’t for the love of women understand the basis of their reasoning but apparently according to them I am not much of a man, I on the other hand think they are the ones so way up in the closet they don’t realize it. What kind of man enjoys watching other guys groping each other’s balls during scrums and what not? Personally I think contact sports are just an opportunity for men to touch other men while still sublimating their homoerotic. Hey, but that’s just me what do I know.

Do you know why women always accuse men of having dirty minds? It’s because they change their minds so often, I mean cant you just make up your mind woman … but let me not make my stress yours. Although you can feel free to make your stress mine after all, Kwaki’s your uncle.

My Prophecy

Don't you just love the benefit of hindsight, fortunately that's the prophecy most of us are born with and then we feel jealous of all those clairvoyant prophets in the bible and their curse of foresight. It's a curse when you can already see the direction in which your life is heading, when you already know about a doomed relationship before you allow yourself to be consumed by it, when you put on a change of underwear because you know you are going to have an accident to avoid an embarrassing situation with the nurse you will ultimately have a crush on during your recovery at the hospital, knowing your life wont amount to anything in advance before you can put in the effort that might change that sad reality ......

I think I'm drunk

Taste of my vomit

Goodenough Mashego's second offering 'Taste of my vomit' raises the bar tis illmatic* in text .... wait those are his words not mine, talk of an ego but unfortunately its true. Despite its rather revolting title it is rather addictive ( which I guess would explain the green bottle on the cover). There are four chapters taking you through the hate he habours within, the different kinds of love he feels, his journeys and the temptations he faced ... (I still cant imagine how he remained celibate in P.E .... buy the book to see what I mean). Then there are the women in his life (and I thought I used to be a player) for a guy who wishes an AIDS related death to all the women he ever dated there is an element of sentimental conflict within some of the pieces which have a hint of nostalgia. The last chapter simply titled R.I.P made me wonder if it was a good idea to be on a friendly basis with this guy considering the number of friends he has buried, I'm sure he has poured more pints 'for the homies' than he has drank himself which would explain 'Shatale', the poem based on his hometown. The reason there are so many thugs is probably because of all that liquor seeping into the underground water resevoirs which feed the Dam they get their water from ... so in a sense everyone there is intoxicated, at least he is coz there is no way a man of sober habbits could write shit this good.

Remember Kwaki's your uncle.

I dont really have a title for this post

There are two ways to win a woman over, either she loves you or you pester her until she gives in. In political circles the same applies, and since no one really loves politicians they use the only weapon available to them, long speeches. Its like those guys actually compete to see who can bore the audience to submission with the longest possible speech. Luckily last weekend the experience was made bearable by the presence of Kasiekulture. Now I know most of you consider me to be flirting with insanity but some people need to have their brains soaked in Vanish Power O2 and scrubbed with heavy duty wire mash. No disrspect there but this guy can take a topic I wrote in one paragraph and stretch it to match Madala Masukus speech without losing your interest. I only pray that one day my level of creative insanity will be that high. Nice meeting you man.

All that aside on the 23 of September it will be my birthday, and although I know most women loathe the day I was born please make an effort to try making me enjoy it. The least you could do is give me head, hey what can I say I love having my cake and eating it. Next week my girlfriend will be coming from joburg and in preparation I wont wank for a week, I plan to come in torrents of froth enough to make an ice-cream machine feel inferior.

All that aside enjoy yo weekend and remember, Kwaki's your uncle.

Trash Magnet

Dear Kwaki

Why is it that I seem to attract only dogs in the men I go out with. Are there any good guys out there?

Worried

Dear worried

The only reason you seem to attract dogs is because you are a bitch (which is the female equivalent of a dog). Other than that the probability is that you do attract good guys but like every other clueless female out there you assume that good guys are boring and you end up considering them as just friends, ladies let me let you in on a secret ... if you want to really hurt a guys feelings tell him you are just friends, that is worse punishement than sticking his dick in a grinder. So stop complaining and open your eyes to the fact that you do have good guys in your life but by the time you appreciate them you will be a washed up old hag who no one wants not even them.

Kwaki

Le Movemento Nelspruit

So our local Hip-Hoppers have been working on something and fortunately for me I got the freebies courtesy of M-zee. Accompaning the CD featuring some great talent is a VCD of which personally I was stunned by Wax Lyricals Video, too bad he has moved to Petoria.

Support the movement, enough talking people lets act.

some places I love

Well my job takes me around and i get to take sum beautiful pics, what can I say occasionaly my artistic side does make a brief appearence. Todays favourite is the Agriculture College in Nelspruit.

Have you ever googled your name?

Well I did it today out of curiousity and got very favourable results even for my alter ego Kwaki, but I cant say the same about my xxx - rated alter ego .... Damn didnt know one dick could cause such chaos. In case you dont know my xxx--rated site its http..... sorry have to go.

Later

PS Blaque has been busy on her blog there are even pics of the diamond now.

Cheating???

Dear Kwaki

I suspect my husband is cheating on me, recently when I was going through his pockets to do his laundry I found some condoms. We do not use them ourselves so I have my doubts about his faithfulness. Should I confront him about my doubts?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous

Doubts???? Lady you don’t have doubts you have got proof unless you want to live in voluntary ignorance, of course there could be lots of rational reasons why you found the condoms in his pockets, they might belong to a friend of his who is cheating on his wife who gave them to him to avoid the same predicament your stupid husband is facing or he could have thought they were balloons since you say you guys don’t use them (in defence to that as a kid I my sisters told me condoms were balloons which would explain all my nieces and nephews). Probably he is cheating on you but then look at the bright side … at least he loves you enough to use condoms with the other woman/women so I would suggest you don’t confront him otherwise he might stop using the condoms all together.

Kwaki

No more Mr Nice guy

Thats all I can say for now.

Dear Uncle

Dear Kwaki

My life is at an all time low, it seems like Gods plan is against me. I seem to fail in everything I pursue. I have tried taking my life many times but that has only landed me in hospital with brutal injuries or getting my stomach pumped, what should I do.

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous aka Loser

Gods plan is not against you, the thing is you are probably female and whenever you tell God you want something he naturally assumes you mean the opposite. You would be better off praying for poverty and failure, he just might grant you the opposite. Anyway if all fails there is always the thought of someone worse off than you, I find watching the news particularly heart warming there is always bad things happening to other people and sometimes there is the occasional graphic murder and some really gut wrenching pics of abnormal stuff in life. So be glad you are not them unless you were serious about the suicide thing in which case you really are a failure, you cant even get your own sucide right.

Kwaki

The freak test

"Have you ever . . ."
1)
French kissed (tongued)?
2)
been on a blind date?
3)
had or given a love bite?
4)
engaged in foreplay?
5)
read a pornographic book or magazine?
6)
masturbated to a picture?
7)
sucked an MOS’s breasts or had your breasts sucked?
8)
seen a pornographic movie?
9)
gone skinny-dipping with a MOS?
10)
committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)?
11)
masturbated?
12)
purchased contraceptives?
13)
engaged in foreplay for more than two hours consecutively?
14)
been shopping inside a porn shop?
15)
showered or bathed with a MOS?
16)
shaved your pubic hair?
17)
committed an act of voyeurism?
18)
had sex with a virgin?
19)
had sex in a car?
20)
had sex outdoors?
21)
experienced a lap dance?
22)
gone to a strip club or porn house?
23)
performed a strip tease for a MOS?
24)
met with someone for sex only?
25)
had sex non-stop for an hour?
26)
interrupted a couple having sex?
27)
jerked off or fingered by a MOS?
28)
jerked off or fingered a MOS?
29)
photographed a MOS naked?
30)
been naked in photos taken by a MOS?
31)
given oral sex to a MOS?
32)
done 69?
33)
had sex in three or more positions?
34)
experimented sexually before puberty?
35)
been caught masturbating?
36)
masturbated with another person in the room?
37)
watched another person masturbate?
38)
watched another party have sex?
39)
had sex in a public place?
40)
had sex during menstruation?
41)
gotten a woman pregnant, been pregnant?
42)
(arranged, had) an abortion?
43)
have a child or children?
44)
had a V.D. test?
45)
had a V.D.?
46)
orgasmed three or more times in one night?
47)
travelled over 100 km just to get laid?
48)
cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
49)
picked up a stranger for sex?
50)
had sex with someone you met online?
51)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 10 years or more?
52)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 20 years or more?
53)
put an inanimate object up your vagina or anus?
54)
had anal sex?
55)
had sex in front of a third party?
56)
had an alcoholic drink?
57)
been drunk?
58)
used alcohol to lower a MOS’s resistance?
59)
had an alcoholic blackout?
60)
smoked tobacco?
61)
smoked pot or hashish?
62)
used LSD, PCP, heroin, or Mushrooms?
63)
used cocaine?
64)
used three or more recreational drugs in one night?
65)
been arrested?
66)
been convicted of a crime?
67)
accepted money to remove any clothing?
68)
Screwed on the first date?
69)
had a threesome?
70)
had a foursome?
71)
screamed or moaned the wrong name during sex?
72)
rimmed a partner?
73)
Sought out a prostitute or gigolo?
77)
engaged with a prostitute or gigolo?
75)
had sex with two M’sOS at the same time?
76)
had sex with two different people separately in a 24 hr period?
77)
videotaped yourself having sex?
78)
accepted money to perform a sexual act?
79)
gave or received sex with a strap-on?
80)
slept with a married MOS?
81)
been engaged?
82)
been married?
83)
had sex with a friend of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
84)
had sex with a relative of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
85)
had sex with more than 10 different people in your life?
86)
had sex with more than 30 different people in your life?
87)
had sex with more than 50 different people in your life?
88)
had sex with an unconscious person?
89)
been propositioned by a homosexual?
90)
accepted?
91)
kissed a member of the SAME sex?
92)
been masturbated by a member of the SAME sex?
93)
been orally stimulated by a member of the SAME sex?
94)
had sex with a member of the SAME sex?
95)
lived in a threesome (sex with 2 others) for a month or more?
96)
been involved in an orgy or swingers party?
97)
engaged in bondage?
98)
engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment?
99)
engaged in group (5 or more people) sex?
100)
made a list of all the people you slept with?

MOS - Member of Opposite Sex

Lucky number 5

Have you ever realised that all women claim to have slept with only 5 men? Ask any woman about her past lovers and she will usually tell you its five, now ask any guy about their past lovers and they will give you about 10. And no matter how many additional lovers she has had it will remain at a constant kind of like Mugabe's 78th birthday.Women have a mindset that anything in the region of five says she is not a slut and guys believe anything lower than ten says he is not experienced in bed. The human race (defined as men and women chasing after each other) is funny in that regard, women want men who sleep around and men seemingly want women who dont.

Anyway on another tip if you watched American Pie 2 then you should know about the rule of three. When any woman gives you the number of men she has slept with add an additional three, in some cases multiply the number by three and in extreme cases its to the power of three. In the case of guys the opposite is usually true which bring us to the question you are all wondering ..... have I really reached the 79mark? Hmmm.. that is for me to know and you to judge.

Ok so there is no hope for me in terms of a BCB (baby come back) so right now I am probably the only guy who has ever regreted not cheating on his girlfriend, I mean what was the use. On that tip I am making it my mission to get laid this weekend or sooner and may my dick have mercy on whoever will suffer its wrath.

Until then later

"F" the "F" word

Ok so no sooner had I decided to be faithful I got dumped (again) by sms (again) by... yes you guessed it the same chick. It seems to be her thing so I decided to check myself into therapy...self therapy that is. After all I am an agony uncle (although the only psychology I studied was Industrial Psychology 101). So let me be my first patient

Dear Kwaki

I do not know what it is about me but I feel that whenever my intentions are good with a woman she loses interest in me but when they are not I have to use a scapel to scrape them off my dick, is there something wrong with being nice to a woman? Please help!!!

Yours truly

Kwaki


Dear Kwaki (ok this is begining to sound reduntant)

First of all do you realize you are talking to yourself? That being said I have answered your question, of course there is something wrong with you, you bloody moron....stop using your emotions and start using your erections seeing as the latter seem to get you laid. Of course you are not to blame entirely, women are hypocrites they say one thing and do another. There is one fundamental secret to understanding the female species ..... never expect them to act rationally. That being said I know you still love Tru... I mean this anonymous woman you are talking about but ask yourself (which is what you are doing right now-this is getting confusing) is she worth it, I mean just because she is beautiful, has the voice of an angel, a freak in bed and you love her with all your heart (whats left of it anyway) and miss her with all your body .... damn man you messed up our lives, what the hell posessed you to let her go?

Ahhh well

Kwaki

So write to your uncle if you have any kind of problem.

The 'F' word

I am trying out this thing they call being 'Faithful'and despite the beautiful women who occasionaly grace my presence I have made it a point not to indulge. Painful as it may sound it does have interesting results. Women cant stand not being chatted up, even if they dont want you they demand a sense of interest from you. Confusing, but what isnt as far as women are concerned.As 'my hate'said 'I dont even understand myself'.

Ok apparantly I have somewhat of a reputation as a pervert and a freak, even people from Pretoria and Joburg know this......Brand recognition at its best, if you are lost check out my archives under 'understanding marketing'

Of course in reality I am not a pervert just because I am one woman short of reaching the 80 mark (Durex and Lovers plus owe me big time)and I have a porn collection that would make the devil blush(so does Hustler and Private) and have another X-rated blog which shows me as nature intended doesnt mean I am a pervert. Which reminds me the buy the Diva a Dildo campaign is still on .... this is serious people, she runs the risk of losing her fingerprints if she continues abusing her hand the way she is. So contact me and I will give you my bank details and to prove this isnt a scam every donation will be published on this blog.

Anyway later people.

Beer is healthy and I have the proof

I visited the SAB website to find out about the new green bottle, HANSA MARZEN GOLD. They havent updated on it yet but while I was there I stumbled on some interesting facts about drinking.

BEER & HEALTH


What's in our beer?

On average, it takes seven weeks, from barley to beer, to produce a bottle of our standard lager (such as Castle). As the brewing process is a natural one, and cannot be speeded up, this is comparable to other international brands that share a similar climate to South Africa.

Beer contains no fat or cholesterol.

Our beers contain only malted barley, water, hops and maize or rice (Miller Genuine Draft). Yeast transforms the sugars to alcohol, but is not an ingredient as such.

There are no preservatives or additives in any of our beers.

Beer is beneficial in combating heart disease(you hardly ever fall in love when youre drunk), osteoporosis, stomach ulcers, Alzheimer's (how come you hardly remember the previous night) and helps reduce the formation kidney stones.

An entire 340ml can of Castle Lite contains only 408kJ and the same unit of a regular strength brew, like Castle Lager, 465kJ. There are about 1 020kJ in 340ml of dry wine. Fifty grams of peanuts contain 1 230kJ (could you say that again)


An entire 340ml can of Castle Lite contains only 408kJ and the same unit of a regular strength brew, like Castle Lager, 465kJ. There are about 1 020kJ in 340ml of dry wine. Fifty grams of peanuts contain 1 230kJ (I didnt mean that literally)

Beer - the forgotten nutraceutical? (nutrawhat???)

Barry Axcell - SABMiller Group Chief Brewer

The beginnings of brewing are lost in the mists of time. Inscriptions on ancient Sumerian tablets show that beer was that beer was brewed at least 6000 years ago and drunk by the rich through straws of gold or lapis lazuli.(The last time I saw someone drinking from a straw it was because his lips were too swollen from a fight the previous day ... now that is classic) Its origin, however, may be much more ancient and even go back tot he so-called "dawning of civilization" when men moved from a nomadic existence to one of agriculture some 10 000 years ago. Quite possibly the catalyst in this change of lifestyle may have been the realisation that growing barley could generate the raw materials to produce the "humble pint". The is difficult to separate baking and brewing in the distant past as they were intimately linked and in number of languages the word for "bread" and "brewed" are in fact the same.

Whatever the origins, beer has played an important part in human history. In ancient Egypt, King Rameses III was said to have sacrificed half million jugs of beer to the Gods.(I wonder if they had AA meetings in the heavens) An old Egyptian slogan states that "the mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer". By the Middle Ages, beer was seen as very important tot he medieval family and certainly a lost safer to drink than water.(Especially the water from Harare in Zim .... they chew their water) The wife was usually responsible for both brewing and baking.(sigh ... they dont make them like they used to) During this time many monasteries became involved in the production of beer which gave beer a seal of "holy approval".(as I said they dont make them like they used to) The daily allowance of beer at court in Tudor times was around 9 litres! The artist William Hogarth, painted two pictures in 1735 depicting the virtues of beer over gin. The one painting, called "Gin Lane", describes a scene of drunkenness and social chaos whereas the other "Beer Street" depicts respectability and the flourishing of the arts and literature. During the 1800's beer was seen as essential for health and according to Dr Charles Macalister, a consultant paedeatrician in England, teetotalers were looked at as dietetic cranks and sometimes rejected by medical examiners for life assurance on the grounds that they were taking risks in abstaining from what was considered to be an essential food.(I should show this to my medical aid company) In the 1950's and 1960's in the UK a number of now famous advertisements on beer and its health benefits were seen. The classic "Guinness is good for you" and by golly, it does you good", are examples of this. However, from the 1970's onwards, many foods and beverages became associated with health concerns. (And so began the dark ages)

There were new concerns about chronic diseases, especially cancer. Analytical techniques were developed to detect trace amounts of substances present in food that could be harmful. As these techniques became more sensitive, the levels of compounds that could be detected became lower and lower. What was classed as zero 2 or 3 years ago was now quoted in micrograms, nanograms or even femtograms. Now, of course, consumers expect foods to be totally "risk free". Legislators respond to this by adopting the "precautionary principle" and demand levels of certain substances to be declared. As lower levels of detection become available, the more so-called "hazardous" chemicals are found in food. This can de described as the "analytical paradox". Consequently more and more "food scares" have been reported in the media. The combined effect of all this work is to focus on the health negatives rather than the health positives of food and beverages.

So, arguably, for 99.5% of beer's history is was seen as a nutritious, wholesome product that was an integral part of family life and culture. Only in the last 30 years or so were these values largely overlooked. Interestingly, in the 1990's the general perception was that 'you are what you eat'. In other words, the predominant cause of illness was diet with genetics playing a small part. As we moved into 2000's that perception changed with genetics being seen more as the dominant player in causing illness with being seen more as the dominant player in causing illness with diet being relegated to a much lower percentage. More and more evidence is again accumulating on health benefits of moderate beer consumption.

What was originally called the "wine paradox" has been widely shown to be due to alcohol. Alcohol can protect against heart disease in number of ways:

It can inhibit atheroschlerosis by increasing levels of apolipoprotein A-1 and by increasing levels of high density lipoprotein (HDLP).
Thrombosis (clotting) can be inhibited through lowering of fibrinogen, lowering platelet aggregation and increasing the break-up of clots.
There is a general reduction of stress and coronary arteries are dilated.
There have been many clinical studies worldwide carried out in the last 5 years that support the above observations. Recently (December 1999), Rimm et al (Harvard School of Public Health) in the British Medical Journal published an overview of coronary heart disease research that took a statistical review of clinical studies worldwide. This research showed that 30g of alcohol/day (approx. 2½ beers) increased HDLP on average by 8,3% and Apolopoprotein A1 by 6,5%. He estimated a 25% reduction in the risk of coronary heart disease as a result of this alcohol intake over the control groups of abstainers. Beer of course is ideal for moderate alcohol consumption because of its relatively high water content and low alcohol levels. (???????????)

During the malting process, whereby barley is germinated and kilned under controlled conditions, a number of important nutrients are formed. For example, the folate (a vitamin) content of malt increases sixfold. Sprouted cereals have long been seen as a nutrients food so it is not suprising that much of their goddness is carried through into the beer itself.

Very recently a number of hop compounds have been shown to exhibit anti-cancer as well as anti-cancer as well as antioxidant properties. Preliminary studies have also indicated that hop compounds may be important in preventing osteporosis, ulcer formation, cardiovascular disease and may even protect against liver disease. There is also a growing body of evidence that phytoestrogens derived from hops in beer are beneficial to health for both men and women.

All this evidence is really telling us what has been known for the best part of the last 6000 years: that beer, in moderation, is a wholesome and nutritious drink. This idea of beer as a 'nutraceutical' - a pleasant form of acquiring some essential nutrients can build on this foundation and re-position beer as THE alcohol drink of moderation. If you can live longer and healthier by savouring this 'golden nectar', what an added bonus! (Now all I have to do is convince my boss to remove that water dispenser thingy and put a Keg)

Now that just confirms what I have known my whole life ... watch this space for the new green bottle. I am trying to get SAB to sponser me with their first batch of the green hansa so we can make an unbiased report with the whole gang.

Otherwise on a personal level I dont understand most of the words used up there but it sounds scientific enough to be true.

Later

PS-All the parts written in red are mine. The rest you can find on the SAB website.

Awe...

Weekend update in brief
• 10 people can fit into a Toyota Tazz
• What goes around comes around
• You cant party when you are sober
• I still cant believe she is only 16

Ok I better elaborate on the last one before I get arrested for statutory rape. I met this girl who came over to our usual hangout spot with her cousin, we got to talking and then suddenly the age issue comes up and then she told me she was 16. Now the only thing 16 about her was the reaction she invoked in the guys present, I am talking a 16cm hard on if you are normal, 16inch if you’re a donkey and 16mm if you are female … yeah she turned some females on as well.

Agony uncle, the thought has crossed my mind and I was wondering how I would respond to those that came to me looking for help. I could make a fortune out of peoples problems seeing as women only see me as a shoulder to cry on. Ok ladies you have my heart now if you don’t mind my body is willing to negotiate a swap.

I am a little tied up for the meantime but I will try to update when I get the chance. Walked into the office today after a long break and guess whose at reception, MY EX. Watch this space.

Later

PS If you have a problem, or just suffer from a disorder that makes you create non-existent problems or if you are a problem yourself and you think things are so bad they cant get any worse … holler at me and I will prove you wrong, I will make them worse.

And then there was jozi

Friday decided to go to jozi on a whim just to go see the girlfriend who dumped me via sms, came back on Sunday because I was broke but managed to get myself undumped in the process. While I was there I remembered the reason I left Yeoville in the first place (from my previous blog) and I realised that running from a place doesnt erase the past.

The rain may wash away the blood stains but the pain will still remain, forever forged in my brain. This blame I inflict on myself keeps piling up like books on a shelf and when I close my eyes all I can see are these looks for help. The tears in their eyes are like acid to my my mind dissolving all sense. My present feels like past tense, moving foward in motions but my emotions are trapped back in that time and these thoughts keep replaying in my mind like a bad rhyme.

So anyway Monday Sasco had a birthday at X's place and I was drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks (exercising the liver, the green bottles arent much of a challenge these days) and well it was interesting. Didnt pass out and wake up with a naked chic like the last time ... ahhhh,the good old days.

Anyway as you can see from the random senseless writing my mind isnt exactly here, I am writing exams soon and I am still thinking about how I should study.

Writers block

I remember watching the movie Shakespear and someone in it said something about writers block being Gods way of telling you that you were not meant to write. In my case its my brains way of telling me I need a drink. The past weekend we were so broke we found ourselves looking for coins under the couch cushions so we could buy ourselves booze. It was so silent you could hear an ant fart, for the simple reason that we were all sober. Luckily we managed to find a party and people became their horny talkative selves again, well the Diva was hornier than most and I dont blame her all things being considered .... oh by the way,'I told you so'.

As I am writing this Native Squad is doing their comeback single in the studio, I will be doing a documentary on them in the near future.

Ok I just have to mention this, DJ Stax you rock. Watch out for this boy.

Later

Dumped

Ok so what do I find funny about being dumped, an sms can you imagine …. Technology!!! I always enjoy being dumped irregardless of the method but that was just classic. The thing is women go out of their way to come up with excuses to dump a guy ‘properly’ you can’t help but laugh sometimes. OK call me a heartless prick but you have to admit it is kind of funny to listen to someone trying to break your heart without breaking your heart. So usually there is a set of common excuses, ‘its not you its me’ ‘I am pregnant and you a) aren’t the father (if u will accept responsibility); b) are the father (if u wont)’ ‘I am becoming a nun’ ‘I am becoming a lesbian’. Then there are the creative ones who get abducted by aliens or fake their own deaths. So my question is this what is the most absurd excuse a girl has ever given to dump you. Ladies you can contribute too, I know I have used some really stupid reasons in my lifetime.

hopeless romantic

Anyway I was asked if I was a romantic, by someone. Lets see, I once spent an entire afternoon looking for a ring which had got lost the previous day during a drinking binge because it held sentimental value to the girl who lost it, I found it in different pieces. I would call everyday, so she could tell me all about her day and when she felt low I would try to lift her spirit, during late nights when she was feeling insomniac I would keep her company over the phone much to the detriment of my phone bill, there was a time I would have gladly killed any guy who so much as hurt her, I once declined taking a trip to Durban just because she couldn’t be joining us and I didn’t want her to feel left out. I am one of the few guys who hasn’t taken advantage of her insecurity and I have tried to show her unconditional love. I have never questioned her ambitions for I believe in her. I have been ridiculed for her and by her and she has the nerve to ask if I am a romantic?


So there is a new member to the unusual gang of horny drunkard’s i.e. my friends. Stay tuned for more.



The newspaper is launched, well almost. There was a 16 page pre-launch issue and it is now available on newsstands around MP, so support your fellow B.E.E’s its only R1.50. I will be running a competition soon enough so keep yourself logged on to this blog.

I missed me too

I had no internet connection for a while just managed to resolve things today. Anyway I wasn't demon slaying this time but I did try to kill the easter bunny. That there is one perverted bunny, even I date within the same species. The Diva is scary nowadays ... she seriously nedds to get laid before she pummels one of us to death.

So we all know the saying you are what you eat, seeing as I drink more than I eat I then have to be what I drink. So here is the thing, think of your favourite beverage be it coffee, tim-jan or ubhejane. Write down what exactly turns on your taste buds about it in my comments page and that my dear reader is what you think about sex.

I got dumped via sms last night, I laughed myself to sleep. Its not as if that is the first time it has happened to me but you know one of those jokes that just do it for you no matter how many times you hear them. Anyway I am at my workplace and my boss seems to think that means I should be actually working ... so later

PS- to contribute to the 'Buy the Diva a Dildo'foundation call me the number is +27822285619

Its official

Blaque is in town for this week only .... hmmm, this should be interesting.

Ever wonder where easter eggs came from

one two testing

I have been having trouble posting I was begining to wonder if they sensor this.

Okay so I survived this weekend and just barely between sex starved girlfriends ( who obviously use electric vibrators in my absence and not battery operated ones which occasionally run out; seeing as they just didn’t want to stop, I cant imagine their electricity bills) and late night shows on BCR I was just willing to throw in the towel and call it quits but then I thought of all those people who just love to hate me and that made me reach deep down in the depths of my soul for inspiration, and when I couldn’t find anything (I found the inspiration, just not my soul...don’t know where the damn thing is) I reached further within my diminishing bank balance to buy a couple of beers and well here I am.


Well I don’t have to tell you the diva was tired and this time not from partying and fucking, she was working....for a change. Anyway come Sunday and we meet at the usual place, my other friend had lost her voice which was a blessing in disguise....trust me, she hasn’t lost her dangerous right hook though so I shall refrain from dwelling on the subject longer. Anyway after a couple of drinks the Diva and Kalki decide to take a dip in the pool and I didn’t join them for fear of penile shrinkage, the water was cold and I have a reputation to uphold. One thing I have to mention about the two is that their breasts need no introduction. After the dip they came out in their wet T-shirts looking like some foul named chick in a James Bond movie except that they were shivering and then I saw the highlight of my weekend, their nipples. I swear those things were so hard and erect I was actually tempted to try and balance the beer bottle I was drinking from on them.

Its Friday

Sorry to point out the obvious but I never understood the importance of this day until I started working. Talking about pointing out the obvious had an interesting chat with the Diva over a couple of drinks (I should look into getting sponsorship from SAB) about those silly questions we ask. You know what I am talking about ... for instance when you walk in on your bestfriend rubbing your girlfriends clitoris as if he is trying to start a fire and you ask 'what are you doing?', you can see what he is doing but you insist on asking anyway. Or calling the woman you are stalking in the middle of the night and when they answer you ask them,'Are you awake?'... dah! Or telling a girl you want her and she asks you what it is you want exactly? Sex obviously and then when she kicks you in the balls for being so obvious she asks you if it hurt, as if you would be clutching your balls with your face twisted in agony because it didn't. Like me asking if you are reading this blog, now that is plain stupid.

Kasie Kulture promised to visit this weekend, lets just hope he drinks .... a lot.

Diva I have nothing against women, after all they are the better sex, they are better at lying, using, cheating e.t.c. I just think you guys acting all innocent as if you are victims is a little overplayed. If you can get away with calling us dogs and categorizing us into this one stereotype, then we guys have the right to do the same. Just think of me as a male rights activist.

Later

I will be on Radio

Kliff invited me to his show...finally..he will be on air from 2am on Wednesday and unfortunately I wont be allowed to talk much but I will play the mega mix. Remember its 104.1 FM BCR. I typed the last part slowly to make sure you got it.

Equal rights

So to prove that my mind has a broader scope to the things in life I decided to tackle the hypocrisy of equal rights. Think about it we all know women can do anything men do, even peeing while standing upright (saw that in a porn movie). My question is this ... in their pursuit to be recognized as equals aren't they defeating their own cause by forming feminine associations aimed at countering the existing male dominated ones?Notice I said male dominated ... they aren't exclusive to males though. Why do they feel the need to add a 'W' in front of all existing associations like the NBA for instance, now you have the WNBA. It is not as if the NBA doesn't really allow women to play e.g Dennis Rodman, it is just that men have been the dominant players. If female basketball players really wanted to be recognized as equals they would penetrate the NBA and prove beyond doubt that they are as good. Instead they go out there and form their own league which discriminates against men...Women's National Basketball Association.

This applies to a lot of sectors even here locally, you hear of Women's Law Association, Women's this and that, the list is endless but my knowledge has its limits. Let men do the same thing and they are accused of discrimination. So if you think about it women have more rights than males in more ways than one, so where is the equality in giving someone favour? Yes and this applies to BEE and affirmative action as well, once a person is given favour based on the colour of their skin instead of the merit of their abilities isnt that discrimination. It is simply turning the tables of apartheid, only difference is the level of violence..and yes I am black.

Ziwaphi

There is a new paper coming soon so watch this space for details...thats all 4 now.

Sorry

To all those whose wishfull imagination had led them to think I am gone for good .... sorry to dissapoint you, I am back.

Women I know - 3

3. GOLD DIGGERS (Poly Students, College girls, Campus chicks, High School students etc - generally referred to as Weekend Accessories)

Advantages
* VERY, VERY GOOD IN BED (Holy Benjamin - Lord have mercy !!!wow!).

Disadvantages
* She makes sure she leaves you penniless. (Airtime, lunch, hair do, cosmetics, etc!!!) And then spends the money on her "real boyfriend
* She tells you she is on the pill, but she is pregnant within 3 months of the relationship.
*When ever there's a misunderstanding, she is quick to say you are using her (..but its quite the opposite (confusion at its best!!! )
* She sues for maintenance costs, especially if you are prominent and takes the story to the Lowvwlder, Mpumalanga Times....
* She is sexy isn't she? And that makes many of u DAMN!!!

Women I know - 2

2. PROFESSIONAL / MILLENNIUM / WORKING - LADIES

Advantages
* She does not need your money
* She can lend you her car (latest model BMW/Volvo), u can boast to your friends that u have a connected Cherrie!! Pssst!!!
*You can even date other women with her car!!!
* She has a credit card and petrol coupon for u when you are down and out.

Disadvantages
* She is generally BAD IN BED. Its either she is too tired or doesn't just feel like it and u don’t have to wonder why we keep more than one of those at a time!!!.)
*You'll have take-away for dinner 6 times a week (AT LEAST!!)
* She thinks she owns you; more than your mother does sometimes.
* She hates your friends; u can't even go to the stadium once a month.
* She always tells you to get a better job, car, house etc. (the list goes on, COZ SHE MOST LIKELY EARNS MORE THAN YOU DO!!!)
* You won't have a life with this one. They have no respect; they will insult you / your mother in English and French....

Women I know - 1

1. HOUSEWIFE'S
Advantages
* She stays home and takes care of kids and household chores.
* She is always good in bed because she is never tired.
* Will always cook a good meal (NO NANDOS, KFC, etc)

Disadvantages
* You will never know what she does when you are at work.
* She behaves like your mother when you come home late.
* She bitches when you watch TV too long.
* You can't play your music loud.

Goodbye

Will be taking a break for sometime for myself, so you wont be seeing much of me in blogland. I will be back though when I have dealt with my demons.

Very much later

What women want

So ever noticed how good intentions will never win as far as women are concerned, and it is always amazing how women misread men but what the hell.. Anyway have been asking about and my good friend toots came up with suggestions on how to keep them interested in you.

Hi Bafethu,

Well I have seen the way you always admire how toots has always kept his chick happy, for a change I thought I will tell you the secret. Believe me it works! That woman will love you forever. To all my female friends, I hope you agree with me hey. In fact I got a first prize for the hottest tips when I sent them to the Men’s health magazine. Here is my secret.

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. And girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say you better be, repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement. And every girl needs some improvement.

6. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words 'fuck you' and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

7. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

9. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

10. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket………………then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

11. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the parties dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

12. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things, like shadow boxing.

13. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

14. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she will go crazy.

15. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

16. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

17. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

18. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

19. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

20. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call.


Thanks toots will definately keep those pointers in mind.

Monday blues

Had a fucked up weekend and I have only myself to blame for being so understanding to other peoples needs and ignoring mine when I know too well should the tables be turned they will always put themselves first but let me not sulk too much. I really sometimes wish I wasnt the way I am but I guess I will always be a goodguy. I swear the next woman who calls me 'sweet'/'like a brother'/'just a friend'etc, just might see how much of a gaping asshole I can be. Anyway was looking at relationships again thanks to a Sunday chill session with a couple of guys and I came to the realization that there are basically 4 kinds of relationships.
1. There is the main lover who is the stable guy/girl in your life, this could be your hubby or wife.
2. There is the friend of the opposite sex who you are usually attracted to but have never been intimate with because you are afraid it will ruin everything. You tell them of all your sexual experiences blah blah and you expect them to always pick up the pieces when you get hurt. Usually either one of you in the relationship wants to have their cake and eat it and in the end there is the possibility that you may ruin the relationship even by not doing anything.
3. There is the other person who you just click on a sexual level and you feel free to do things that you cant do with number 1 and would love to do with number 2 but never have.
4. Then is the occasional puff and pass, this can be someone who you wouldnt want to be seen with in public but who you shag either for the benefits (if you are female) or because everyone is shagging them and you just dont want to be left out.

Just remember your number 1 might be someone elses 2, 3 and even 4.

Later.

Ever changing technology

Ever notice how obsolete technology becomes once you own it, I mean when you have just bought windows 03 then comes windows 08, PSP then here comes PS3. I mean you spend so much time upgrading your software and then upgrading those upgrades you just get tired in the end. Got this e-mail.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity . Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User..
______________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under " Warnings-Alimony-Child Support" . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Last day of the month

So today is the end of February which means some of us are worried about rent and all those bills. Some people who were born on a leap year have understandably more pressing issues to worry about but hey...what are the odds of that(one in four). To those of you who have radios and are within a 100km radius of Barberton, listen to BCR as from tommorow and tell me what time my good friend Kliffoday is on air. Mail me your answers to lihwak@gmail.com or call 0822285619 and you could stand a chance to party with me(if you are female your chances increase considerably) ... ohh and Kliff just might make an appearence.(hopefully not)

Anyway celebrities aside arent you just glad the so called month of love is over, for a month with so few days it really does take its toll on the pocket....and "they" say you cant buy love.Ever realised how women are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. For those of you who werent so lucky this month, shame on you.(Were you expecting advice or words of inspiration?)At least I did do you guys a favour I killed Cupid so dont worry about spoiling your so called beloved next year, spoil me instead. I accept VISA....



Later

Win a mazda

So Mazda is running a competition on my blog, if you can spot the sleepy student in the picture below you stand to win a brand new Mazda 6, competition date closes on the end of March all you have to do is post your answer and your name + contact details in the comments box and the car could be all yours. Each participant is limited to one answer. Good luck ..... you will need it.

Am I in love

I have never been one to lie about the things that matter and the unfortunate thing about the way things have turned out has proven to be some poetic justice of some kind. There was a certain girl who I did not love at first but pretended I did until in actual fact I fell for her. By then she was falling out of love with me ( with the help of some other guy of course). By the time she felt nothing 4 me, my feelings had blossomed to the point of obsession. In a stupid act of selflessness I listened to ‘they’ and let her go with the stupid belief that if its meant to be it will come back..and all that other bullshit. So far she has come and gone back to lots of guys, me excluded and although my heart has hope my head has reason. Love may be blind but I am not and I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out she does not want me. But although I am no longer in love with her fact is I love her for the simple fact that she made me feel things no other woman had been able to before her. I never knew the thin line between love and hate until I met her, and for the first time in my life I felt that heart wrenching emotion called jealousy. Then it sank, I do feel after all and with that the flood gates to my emotional barrier were opened and a whole charade of emotions began to gush out of me. I wasn't the calm collected charmer I always presented, I became this insecure unstable pathetic emotional wreck and looking back I can see why she lost interest in me. Then you think that you have learned from your lessons and fast foward to the present time and although the cast has changed the story is still somewhat similar. To make a long story short I am seriously fucked..

Oral sex

OK so we have all read this joke( I would have said heard but have you noticed how e-mails are cornering the joke market ) about an elderly couple whose idea of oral sex is her shouting "fuck you" from across the room and him shouting "fuck you too" and then they get into their separate bedrooms and sleep. If that's oral sex then lots of guys out there are throwing insults at each other are gay... anyway not to be outdone I came up with a poem of my own.

Oral sex

Making love through words
Intimate foreplay in these verbs

Every jingle caresses my earlobes
Before penetrating my mind with gentle strokes

Should I explain the sensation it invoked
When she whispered and when she spoke

Her voice angelic in its chord
Inviting me to its holy abode

Erecting my senses, she strokes my nerves
Naked and shameless, those were her words

She started slow and picked up speed
The more she says the more I need

This beautiful sensation with a twist of greed
She speaks I listen, that's how we breed.

Our satisfaction is achieved in the anticipation
Only when you have none, can you fulfill your expectations


As you will notice I passed 'Yes dear 101' with flying colours, always listen to your woman or at least pretend to. Sweetie if you are reading this ignore the 'pretend to' part. So anyway that is my attempt at poetry.

VALENTINES WEEK

Nice weekend was at afrosliqs party on saturday didn't get too sloshed out of respect, but diva u have too many male friends get some female friends to balance the equation. Anyhow it is Valentines week I am so broke I have less money than when I had no money at all. Am thinking of being a total jerk and get dumped by my better halves until the valentines hype is over then get back to speaking terms with them again.

So we are all anticipating tupacs latest album for this year, is the guy dead or did black people need their own version of elvis??? For those who have seen me and mistaken me for the younger version of 2pac, let me set the record straight no we are not related....as far as I know. Besides I am better looking.

Chappelle Show (Lost Ep.) - Tupac is alive

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Anyhow last week Tuesday I attended the premiere to the movie Catch a fire and its inspiring how simple people live amazing lives, but before I get all sentimental and shit on you I urge you to go watch the movie it is now showing in cinemas countrywide.

Later

Happy Birthday

My dear friend afrosliq diva is having her 23rd birthday today, damn you're old. They say with age comes wisdom, I wish that was true in your case but its a pity that "they" arent always right. Just joking happy birthday gal.... So when is the party?

Another take on relationships

Chris Rock - View On Love and Relationships

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Love is in the air...

....amongst other pungent scents it being so hot nowadays, anyway had an interesting weekend full of love triangles, rectangles and all those other angles. Beer sure does make things more interesting. Any how was thinking of our back in the days love when we would actually make use of the post office to write to our beloved and send them pictures of us in ridiculous postures (kind of like the pics I took of myself) and we would include dedications from K-Ci and Jojo...If you have never sent or received such a letter in your life my deepest condolences are with you. Back then courting was a process, nowadays with the right car and cash you can skip the whole thing and jump straight to bed after the initial greeting....thats if you go as far as saying something to each other.

For the benefit of todays generation I decided to remind you of the old day charm.....it worked too,so dont laugh you are probably a product of it.

Dear Sugar


Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear My medular-oblandata also stops functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization. Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.

Yourz Ever,
Sugar nonoza


And the equally fantabulous reply

Dear Honie

My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.

How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to makeit schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.

My honie, i am missing you very much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.

If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against Diego Maradona. Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.

Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea. You can see my foto below

My dedications to you are :


Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.

Boys to Main - And of the Rod

Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood, Ruise Sugar Baby

P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore



Now that is classic....

Sexercise

So I am considering going to the gym and beefing up a bit, get that beer gut down to a six or eight pack,tri-ceps,bi-ceps and all those other ceps. So as to keep you up to date I have decided to do the before - after thingy we see on infomercials unfortunately I dont have anyone to take pics of me....any volunteers?

Oh and I dont have money for gym membership so Virgin Active if you happen to stumble on my blog sponsor me and you will get free advertising on my blog.

Understanding marketing

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends' approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

moi

Ok so I took a couple of pics of maself and man I am never going to subject any camera to such torture again, lets face it Im just not photogenic.
Ohh by the way out of pure boredom how many of you readers would love to see me as nature intended.

Top 5 voicemails

(a). Hello, you've reached Kwaki and *****. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. ***** likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done.... brushing our teeth we'll get
back to you.


(b). Hi, this is Kwaki. If you are the phone company, I've already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money.



(c). Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.


(d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


(e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached
0822285619.
Kwaki is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again..(ooh)
No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and
he'll call you as soon as he...cums.

Damn, I'm still alive

Sorry to dissapoint you guys but I am not dead yet. Its the New Year, ok maybe not that new considering its the last days of January but hey who cares.
Resolutions?????? OK people on an interactive note I need you guys to give me your resolutions and have you managed to keep them?

I remember making a resolution on the dawn of this year but honestly I was too drunk to remember it. Anyway post your comments its not that hard really, just point the cursor to comments click,write your comment.