Dear Kwaki
My life is at an all time low, it seems like Gods plan is against me. I seem to fail in everything I pursue. I have tried taking my life many times but that has only landed me in hospital with brutal injuries or getting my stomach pumped, what should I do.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous aka Loser
Gods plan is not against you, the thing is you are probably female and whenever you tell God you want something he naturally assumes you mean the opposite. You would be better off praying for poverty and failure, he just might grant you the opposite. Anyway if all fails there is always the thought of someone worse off than you, I find watching the news particularly heart warming there is always bad things happening to other people and sometimes there is the occasional graphic murder and some really gut wrenching pics of abnormal stuff in life. So be glad you are not them unless you were serious about the suicide thing in which case you really are a failure, you cant even get your own sucide right.
Kwaki
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The freak test
"Have you ever . . ."
1)
French kissed (tongued)?
2)
been on a blind date?
3)
had or given a love bite?
4)
engaged in foreplay?
5)
read a pornographic book or magazine?
6)
masturbated to a picture?
7)
sucked an MOS’s breasts or had your breasts sucked?
8)
seen a pornographic movie?
9)
gone skinny-dipping with a MOS?
10)
committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)?
11)
masturbated?
12)
purchased contraceptives?
13)
engaged in foreplay for more than two hours consecutively?
14)
been shopping inside a porn shop?
15)
showered or bathed with a MOS?
16)
shaved your pubic hair?
17)
committed an act of voyeurism?
18)
had sex with a virgin?
19)
had sex in a car?
20)
had sex outdoors?
21)
experienced a lap dance?
22)
gone to a strip club or porn house?
23)
performed a strip tease for a MOS?
24)
met with someone for sex only?
25)
had sex non-stop for an hour?
26)
interrupted a couple having sex?
27)
jerked off or fingered by a MOS?
28)
jerked off or fingered a MOS?
29)
photographed a MOS naked?
30)
been naked in photos taken by a MOS?
31)
given oral sex to a MOS?
32)
done 69?
33)
had sex in three or more positions?
34)
experimented sexually before puberty?
35)
been caught masturbating?
36)
masturbated with another person in the room?
37)
watched another person masturbate?
38)
watched another party have sex?
39)
had sex in a public place?
40)
had sex during menstruation?
41)
gotten a woman pregnant, been pregnant?
42)
(arranged, had) an abortion?
43)
have a child or children?
44)
had a V.D. test?
45)
had a V.D.?
46)
orgasmed three or more times in one night?
47)
travelled over 100 km just to get laid?
48)
cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
49)
picked up a stranger for sex?
50)
had sex with someone you met online?
51)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 10 years or more?
52)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 20 years or more?
53)
put an inanimate object up your vagina or anus?
54)
had anal sex?
55)
had sex in front of a third party?
56)
had an alcoholic drink?
57)
been drunk?
58)
used alcohol to lower a MOS’s resistance?
59)
had an alcoholic blackout?
60)
smoked tobacco?
61)
smoked pot or hashish?
62)
used LSD, PCP, heroin, or Mushrooms?
63)
used cocaine?
64)
used three or more recreational drugs in one night?
65)
been arrested?
66)
been convicted of a crime?
67)
accepted money to remove any clothing?
68)
Screwed on the first date?
69)
had a threesome?
70)
had a foursome?
71)
screamed or moaned the wrong name during sex?
72)
rimmed a partner?
73)
Sought out a prostitute or gigolo?
77)
engaged with a prostitute or gigolo?
75)
had sex with two M’sOS at the same time?
76)
had sex with two different people separately in a 24 hr period?
77)
videotaped yourself having sex?
78)
accepted money to perform a sexual act?
79)
gave or received sex with a strap-on?
80)
slept with a married MOS?
81)
been engaged?
82)
been married?
83)
had sex with a friend of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
84)
had sex with a relative of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
85)
had sex with more than 10 different people in your life?
86)
had sex with more than 30 different people in your life?
87)
had sex with more than 50 different people in your life?
88)
had sex with an unconscious person?
89)
been propositioned by a homosexual?
90)
accepted?
91)
kissed a member of the SAME sex?
92)
been masturbated by a member of the SAME sex?
93)
been orally stimulated by a member of the SAME sex?
94)
had sex with a member of the SAME sex?
95)
lived in a threesome (sex with 2 others) for a month or more?
96)
been involved in an orgy or swingers party?
97)
engaged in bondage?
98)
engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment?
99)
engaged in group (5 or more people) sex?
100)
made a list of all the people you slept with?
MOS - Member of Opposite Sex
1)
French kissed (tongued)?
2)
been on a blind date?
3)
had or given a love bite?
4)
engaged in foreplay?
5)
read a pornographic book or magazine?
6)
masturbated to a picture?
7)
sucked an MOS’s breasts or had your breasts sucked?
8)
seen a pornographic movie?
9)
gone skinny-dipping with a MOS?
10)
committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)?
11)
masturbated?
12)
purchased contraceptives?
13)
engaged in foreplay for more than two hours consecutively?
14)
been shopping inside a porn shop?
15)
showered or bathed with a MOS?
16)
shaved your pubic hair?
17)
committed an act of voyeurism?
18)
had sex with a virgin?
19)
had sex in a car?
20)
had sex outdoors?
21)
experienced a lap dance?
22)
gone to a strip club or porn house?
23)
performed a strip tease for a MOS?
24)
met with someone for sex only?
25)
had sex non-stop for an hour?
26)
interrupted a couple having sex?
27)
jerked off or fingered by a MOS?
28)
jerked off or fingered a MOS?
29)
photographed a MOS naked?
30)
been naked in photos taken by a MOS?
31)
given oral sex to a MOS?
32)
done 69?
33)
had sex in three or more positions?
34)
experimented sexually before puberty?
35)
been caught masturbating?
36)
masturbated with another person in the room?
37)
watched another person masturbate?
38)
watched another party have sex?
39)
had sex in a public place?
40)
had sex during menstruation?
41)
gotten a woman pregnant, been pregnant?
42)
(arranged, had) an abortion?
43)
have a child or children?
44)
had a V.D. test?
45)
had a V.D.?
46)
orgasmed three or more times in one night?
47)
travelled over 100 km just to get laid?
48)
cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
49)
picked up a stranger for sex?
50)
had sex with someone you met online?
51)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 10 years or more?
52)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 20 years or more?
53)
put an inanimate object up your vagina or anus?
54)
had anal sex?
55)
had sex in front of a third party?
56)
had an alcoholic drink?
57)
been drunk?
58)
used alcohol to lower a MOS’s resistance?
59)
had an alcoholic blackout?
60)
smoked tobacco?
61)
smoked pot or hashish?
62)
used LSD, PCP, heroin, or Mushrooms?
63)
used cocaine?
64)
used three or more recreational drugs in one night?
65)
been arrested?
66)
been convicted of a crime?
67)
accepted money to remove any clothing?
68)
Screwed on the first date?
69)
had a threesome?
70)
had a foursome?
71)
screamed or moaned the wrong name during sex?
72)
rimmed a partner?
73)
Sought out a prostitute or gigolo?
77)
engaged with a prostitute or gigolo?
75)
had sex with two M’sOS at the same time?
76)
had sex with two different people separately in a 24 hr period?
77)
videotaped yourself having sex?
78)
accepted money to perform a sexual act?
79)
gave or received sex with a strap-on?
80)
slept with a married MOS?
81)
been engaged?
82)
been married?
83)
had sex with a friend of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
84)
had sex with a relative of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
85)
had sex with more than 10 different people in your life?
86)
had sex with more than 30 different people in your life?
87)
had sex with more than 50 different people in your life?
88)
had sex with an unconscious person?
89)
been propositioned by a homosexual?
90)
accepted?
91)
kissed a member of the SAME sex?
92)
been masturbated by a member of the SAME sex?
93)
been orally stimulated by a member of the SAME sex?
94)
had sex with a member of the SAME sex?
95)
lived in a threesome (sex with 2 others) for a month or more?
96)
been involved in an orgy or swingers party?
97)
engaged in bondage?
98)
engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment?
99)
engaged in group (5 or more people) sex?
100)
made a list of all the people you slept with?
MOS - Member of Opposite Sex
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Lucky number 5
Have you ever realised that all women claim to have slept with only 5 men? Ask any woman about her past lovers and she will usually tell you its five, now ask any guy about their past lovers and they will give you about 10. And no matter how many additional lovers she has had it will remain at a constant kind of like Mugabe's 78th birthday.Women have a mindset that anything in the region of five says she is not a slut and guys believe anything lower than ten says he is not experienced in bed. The human race (defined as men and women chasing after each other) is funny in that regard, women want men who sleep around and men seemingly want women who dont.
Anyway on another tip if you watched American Pie 2 then you should know about the rule of three. When any woman gives you the number of men she has slept with add an additional three, in some cases multiply the number by three and in extreme cases its to the power of three. In the case of guys the opposite is usually true which bring us to the question you are all wondering ..... have I really reached the 79mark? Hmmm.. that is for me to know and you to judge.
Ok so there is no hope for me in terms of a BCB (baby come back) so right now I am probably the only guy who has ever regreted not cheating on his girlfriend, I mean what was the use. On that tip I am making it my mission to get laid this weekend or sooner and may my dick have mercy on whoever will suffer its wrath.
Until then later
Anyway on another tip if you watched American Pie 2 then you should know about the rule of three. When any woman gives you the number of men she has slept with add an additional three, in some cases multiply the number by three and in extreme cases its to the power of three. In the case of guys the opposite is usually true which bring us to the question you are all wondering ..... have I really reached the 79mark? Hmmm.. that is for me to know and you to judge.
Ok so there is no hope for me in terms of a BCB (baby come back) so right now I am probably the only guy who has ever regreted not cheating on his girlfriend, I mean what was the use. On that tip I am making it my mission to get laid this weekend or sooner and may my dick have mercy on whoever will suffer its wrath.
Until then later
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