Incest

Dear Uncle
I think I'm in love with my cousin, your daughter and I read in newspapers that it's natural but you know many things are natural but we tend to keep on acting like they are unnatural. Uncle, dogs screw their mothers (bitches) to produce their siblings who also happen to be their children and the last time I interviewed a dog it said it was natural. Also this other sexpert named Drog (a dog as well) told me that it isn't anything new for cousins to feel attracted to one another,especially when they didn't grow up together. Should I whip my cousin uncle or should I spare the rod for some other child who deserve it?

Kasie

Dear Kasie

This has to be the most disturbing confession I have ever heard; not that you are attracted to your cousin, but the fact that you can have conversations with dogs. First and foremost what is natural to dogs isn't so natural to us, unless you have the urge to eat your vomit and smell other peoples assholes [although you did write that book " Taste of my vomit".... Hmmm]. Reality though is you are not the only one who has these urges, porn in the 70's and early 80's usually ran the incest theme and if we were all to be honest with each other; the truth is our early experiments into intimacy were usually with our cousins. Now as to the matter at hand, you already know she is your cousin irregardless of the fact that you didn't grow up together; had you whipped her before you knew that, you wouldn't seem like a pervert. Sorry I don't make the rules society does, but society also does say you should keep it within the family so maybe you should go for it considering this might be your only chance to get some. The only problem I have is that she is my daughter, so agony uncle aside if I see you anywhere within a 360 degree radius of her I am going to shove a hot copper wire down your pee hole till it's bladder deep and castrate you with a blunt rusty knife.

Remember Kwaki is your uncle

PS - Stop talking to the K9 species, or you will end up drinking from the toilet bowl.

Missing friend

Dear uncle Kwaki
I have this friend hu has just disappeared from the face of the earth, the last i heard he was in venda but now i'm not really sure since i haven't heard from him in days or is weeks i'm not too sure.I even suspect that maybe he has been adapted by aliens or maybe the parts ppl finally got him and took his manhood...Pls tell me what to do to find my friend, shud i start calling all the mortuaries or contact every police station and start printing out posters. I'm getting worriedYours sick with worry
Ms D

Dear Ms D
Your friend sounds like a great guy and I think your letter to me shows that you might possibly have deeper feelings for him, I suggest the next time you see him shag him and I promise you he will remember to be in touch. He sounds like a sexually appreciative handsome fella and so when you shag him dont ration out the pussy, give him your all ..... fetishes included. His manhood sounds like an impressive tool for people to want to kidnap it so I would suggest you worship it. Dont worry he is probably still alive thinking of why the hell he never shagged you before he left Nelspruit.

Kwaki

I feel special

Have been away for a while, I just couldnt post at the UNIVEN computer lab it being so slow and all. Its nice to know people do miss me sometimes kind of eases the stress I am going through with my girlfriend right now. So remember back in the days when the war between men and women took a musical side. One of them would throw a punch and the other would reply. This saw us having to endure leeches whose fame depended on the sucess of more creative artists. When taht girlie group released no scrubs some guys who called themselves somekind of thieves released no pigeons. Recently the trend has reappeared and when Neo spilled his guts out on "So Sick" some woman claiming to be the lady of Neo's creativity replied him. Sean Kingston talked about beautiful girls and whatsername started singing about beautiful boys. DJ Cleo did Sis'ngihamba nawe and Arthur...wait thats another issue alltogether. Anyway remember that email I posted on my blog some time ago about installing Wife as an operating system, guess what they came up with another one

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

I know what you're thinking...

You are probably thinking I had aproblem with fingerprints again eh; wrong, the internet this side is so congested I couldnt even log in to blogger or post comments. Dont have anything to say really just letting you guys know I am still alive, no one has robbed me of my body parts yet.My greatest fear when moving this side was that I had just watched an episode on special assignment about how some guys where standing trial for robbing body parts for vodoo purposes, among them was a priest (which gave me a damn good reason not to attend evening prayers on campus). I have been doing a little investigative journalism by walking the streets of Thohoyandou at night all alone and have met a few suspect characters one of which visibly had a knife in his pocket, but none of them seemed interested in me. I guess my body parts have been used so much they are probably worth nothing.

Later

Tying the knot

Marriage is made out to be this neccessary evil that we have to go through and since I have never been hitched myself I cant say much about the topic but there are people who believe that every man should get married at some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life! I am not really thinking about getting married anytime soon but my decision to go back to school was largely based on that possibility. I just wanted something to fall back on in case my alcohol induced business ideas fell through because women are demanding. The only reason you may have seen me walking hand in hand with my girlfriend at Balfour Mall was because I was afraid if I let go of her hand she would start shopping. In the words of Oscar Wilde "Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others."

Jealous lover.

Since no one has been approaching me with their problems of late, I decided to go around blogland looking for problems and lucky me the "caricaturist" had a cry for help on tjo-tjo-tjo. And I quote -

"so after numerous heartbreaches and being quinea pigged by men. Shame on me mind you. i dcided to take a backseat on life and sorta let it past me by. figured some getting to know me would do me good, cos very soon the bio-clock is gonna get on the grind and we need to sift through the riff raff a.s.a.p. But now, for us (that being me myself and i - i prefer to think of myself in the plural its more holistic. thank the greeks) to be able to do this efficiently, we need to know ourselves to better understand what is best for us.



so then in my disinterest in fly-by-night individuals, i dcided to develop a very mild case of antisociability. figured we'd be come a hermit (actually recluse is more befitting) for a while till things snapped back into order in the brain.



anyhow, so now this random person happens to develop feelings for little old me n sorta refuses to acknowledge certain life pattern changes i have become accustomed to. anyway


so now i dcide that okay. i'm gona give this dude a chance, BUT, this time our blinkers are coming off and we gonna make sure that everything is under the scrutiny of tyler perry.

so anyway, i go do the lets give u a chance thing and the next thing i hear is that well if you dont get rid of all your guy friends i cant date you?!


like hullo???!!! u do realise that i had a life before you and it involved me and my guy friends...so err exactly who are you?? okay ya, u the boyfriend, mara how long have u been around for?? u cant just expect me to ditch the crew just so ur security issues can be sorted. anyway. please let me know what's cracking anyone who has the idea.BLACK MEN HELP!!!! n the white guy too."

Dear caricaturist

Men are all the same, black, white, green etc. The problem is that usually guys who know they are dating beyond their league will always have insecurity issues. The thing is first and foremost the guy knows for a fact that your male friends are attracted to you, do not question this as it is true. I have many female friends but I admit that I didnt always want to take the friend route I just happened to find myself there and I am just waiting for their boyfriends to slip up so I can get in a "shoulder to lean on fuck". I also admit to having suffered from such insecurities in the past until I began to understand the one track relationship mentality women have as far as guys go.
Unfortunately this is a problem with no simple solution but I will tell you this. Do not compromise who you are for anyone, the sooner you understand that for yourself the stronger the foundation for your principles. In the end you wont settle for anything but the best and when you meet a guy who understands that about you, he will never have a problem trusting you because you have firm ground to stand on.

Kwaki

PS - Unfortunately for all the ladies who might read this and think I am a great catch, sorry I am already taken by someone who helped me reach the level of understanding I am at now.

If you have a word of advice please post it on her comments page.http://tjo-tjo-tjo.blogspot.com/

Points to ponder

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Career change

The reason I havent been posting is because they introduced a new security system at the student comp lab which requires finger print identification, as it would seem I dont have fingerprints. They have been tring to include me for the past two weeks and despite every effort I dont seem to be able to satisfy the scanner, I dont have fingerprints. I can see them when I look at my hand but masturbation must have eroded them somewhat coz the scanner just aint reading them. I thought it was a myth that masturbation eroded your fingerprints but I guess there is some truth to it afterall, makes you wonder what other urban legends based on masturbation are true. Will I go blind next, or maybe grow hair on my palms????? This scared me to the point of visiting my girlfriend last weekend and getting in a good two months worth of shag to the point that she chased me away. It worked though today I got my fingerprints scanned and am back to blogging, so for now I have somthing more constructive to do with my hands. Too bad I dont have a computer in my room but if all else fails and I go back to masturbating I might just start a career as a criminal, they will never be able to pin a robbery on me based on fingerprints.

Whose your uncle???