More words of wisdom

In life never be moved like Mugabe.
Never give up like Tsvangirai.
Grab opportunities like Mutambara.
Strive to grow like Zimbabwean inflation.
When they chase you away keep coming back like the zeroes on the Zim dollar.

And you thought nothing good could be said about the situation in Zimbabwe.

A sad day in history.

A message to all members of Sondeza.com

Hi Sondezees,

Due to a number of legal reasons we have been forced to stop Sondeza.com. We'd like to thank all our members for making Sondeza the best Adult Social network in SA. At this stage we are not sure how long it will take to bring Sondeza.com back to life again.

We'll be doing online marketing, consulting and website development.If you want your business to succeed online you can get in touch with us on sondeza@gmail.com

Thank you,

Regards,
Sondeza Admin Team
sondeza@gmail.com

Visit Sondeza.com at: http://www.sondeza.com

Penis envy

Why is it that the regular women in my life have the tendency to christian my penis with a name. This means Charlie (current name of my dick) has had numerous name changes and I hope this doesnt lead to him developing a multi personality disorder or worse yet schizophrenia. Now I dont mind the name calling but sometimes charlie gets more attention than me during sex and although i understand he plays a huge role in the sex, my presence in the room should at least be aknowledged. If you are going to scream a name, scream mine not Charlies....after all how do I know you didnt name my dick after an ex-lover?
Am coming back to Nelspruit sometime next week.

Curse or a blessing?

One fine day in the past month i discovered to my anguish that a man called horse was human again, ok let me rephrase that; my dick shrunk. I dont know how it happened but it didnt have the effect i thought it would. I initially thought my reputation was going to go down the drain but infact it kinda motivated me to be a better lover. In the past i used to stick my dick in the pussy and by my shear size alone i knew i could touch intimate places without knowing where they were. Now since i cant rely on size i have had to rely on skill. It has actually made me more explorative in my lovemaking and if ever i can regain my size again i will rock.

I tried this

I got this e-mail from a friend of mine...

Here's something for all you medical know-it-alls:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It is called the 'anal optic nerve'. It's responsible for giving
people a 'sh!itty outlook' on life or for you Afrikaans know-it-alls
-'n kak gedagte.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your @ss, and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Interesting ain't it that some people wonder why their bum fluff exists????

That time of the year again

Yeah, its spring and we welcome all the less than conservative women out there who show enough skin to make Sondeza.com blush (to Kasie how u discovered that site is beyond me but God bless your site tracking skills), but more importantly than bum riders and mini skirts its my birthday on the 23rd of September. My birthday was made for partying hence there is a public holiday the day after, so u can nurse your hangover before going back to work the next day. Diva congrats on your job, more especially your car....cant wait too take it for a spin.

Craziest thing I did so far was walk around my campus residency naked on spring day accompanied by two beautiful and equally naked women. So I just introduced the naked mile to Venda, too bad I didn't capture the whole thing on camera for Sondeza.com

Later,I have a shitload of assignments that refuse to write themselves.

Your uncle is back

Driving for dummies

If I was a fly on the wall

I always wondered what Bob talked about in private...

Chain letters

Dont u just hate chain letters? I used to have penpals until they started sending me silly messages about people who had died after not sending that particular letter to twenty people, then chain letters invaded e-mails as if we didn't have enough junk mail from people who want to enlarge our penises and sell us viagra. Luckily when sms revolution started it was too costly to text chain letters, but alas there was Mxit. Some people who have nothing better to do than abuse their fingers are busy sending lengthy chain letters some of which claim to date before mxit even came to be. Some people seriously need to get laid.

Todays Proverb "It requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum" - Ghana.
This is what someone told Mbeki before he started talks with Bob, hence the quiet diplomacy. He knows better than to just swat the evasive bugger with a hammer causing more damage to his own country i.e, his balls. Some situations just need to be handled with care or they might backfire. Until then Kwakis your uncle.

Briefly

I want to break down the last couple of weeks of my life in brief. Firstly me and former girlfriend made a clean break, this time for good. I got tired of a yo-yo relationship. Went to Nelspruit and had some fun moments with friends including a punctured tyre and a rather weird form of marketing. When we decided to leave Miss Barberton there was Kaos at the gate so I knew there would be a lot of pick pockets so I stashed all the contents of my pockets in one pocket and kept my hand in there as I pushed myself out. Then when I got out I discover people have been stuffing their business cards in my pockets, like I was gonna do business with someone who could do that. I also discovered that alcohol is cheaper in Golf Clubs, I should take up golf seriously. There was a tournament hosted by Vision 2000 last week Friday and the prizes for a days golf were plasma screens and laptops, complimentary prizes for just attending were heaters and some pretty nifty gadgets and there were even some prizes left behind and people were welcome to them. I really should take up Golf. On Sunday hitch hiked my way to Venda and it was some scary shit as it got dark before I could get anywhere near Thohoyandou. I remember some black tinted taxi with 666 as the digits on the number plate pulling over for me and I started reciting what little of the 'Lords prayer' I still remembered. But the guy was quite friendly and helped me out a lot. Well until then Kwaki is your uncle.

Will try explaining an African Proverb in each post starting with "When a man is stung by a bee, he doesn't set off to destroy all beehives". This could be applied to people who just because they dated dead beat losers go on to take it out on the entire opposite sex. Could have also come in handy to George Bush after the 9/11 attacks and he wouldn't have invaded Iraq making a complte full of himself and ruining the lives of innocent people.

African Wisdom

"When a man is stung by a bee, he doesn't set off to destroy all beehives" - (Kenya).

"The man who marries a beautiful woman, and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem" - Ethiopia.

"A short man is not a boy" - Nigeria and "No matter how hot your anger is, it cannot cook yam" - Nigeria.

"It requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum" - Ghana.

"If the throat can grant passage to a knife, the anus should wonder how to expel it" - Seychelles.

"The frown on the face of the goat will stop it from being taken to the market" - Nigeria.

"An old lady feels uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb" - Ghana.

"The same sun that melts the wax, hardens the clay" - Niger.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there" - Uganda

"There's no virgin in a maternity ward" - Cameroon.

"A child can play with its mother's breasts, but not its father's testicles" – Guinea.

Some words of advice

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

A bus station is where a bus stops..
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say.........

Finished exams

Finally and since I am not going to joburg anymore the road to nelspruit beckons, are you guys ready? Will be there after the weekend would have come sooner but I am never one to refuse free rides. See you soon.

Nice from far but far from nice

We were all born intelligent then education ruined us, especially science. I have always hated science with its facts and all, I believe facts have diluted our spirituality and therefore we are not living towards our full potential in terms of the things we can do. There is one fact I believe though, light travels faster than sound. Why that fact only you may ask, well allow me to answer. Have you ever met people who seemed bright until you hear them speak and they show you the depths of their dullness, so you see light does travel faster than sound. If you dont get it dont worry you are probably one of them. I have realised that women seem to like me from a distance as well until I talk. The thing is I am a self proclaimed pervert, I dont believe in censorship of thoughts and speech because I hate having to think up a proper word or phrase for what is on my mind. When I want to fuck I want to fuck, I hate going through long winded stories in order to get laid. Dont ask me if I love you if I havent told you, dont make me choose between you and my girlfriend, and stop bragging to your friends about the superlative experience I gave you in bed and have the nerve to ask me why I slept with them when they knocked on my room at 12:34am naked.... what the hell was I supposed to do? Just venting off a couple of frustrations never mind me.

Am feeling a bit cranky today, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed ..... even though it is a single bed. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

Later

EXAMS

I dont really mind school ..... seriously I dont, its a great place to get high, stoned, fucked and sloshed. The only problem I have with it is the part where I actually have to learn. Lets face it if they took learning out of the equation we would have less dropouts. I am currently writing exams and its as if the lecturers were targeting those days when I bunked lessons to give the rest of the class the essential exam material. I swear there is a conspiracy against me, why do i have to be the only one not smiling after an exam. Oh; I saw Steavy Boys new website and I have to admit Shan G is good in designing, there is a picture of yours trully sitting in his former office. (Pic gallery number 8)Ahhh nostalgia. Anyway will be gracing Nelspruit soon after a brief conjugal visit in Joburg, not even Xenophobia can stop me from getting some. Oh and I have a lunch meeting in Nelspruit with a beautiful woman, by the way are we still on? Until then Kwaki is your Uncle

Another reson why Mugabe should lose

Ok so maybe its not a good reason but hey, who cares. I just need him to lose so these facts can beat the JFK vs Lincon assasination facts posted by The Diva.

Mugabe was 56 when he became Prime Minister, elections where held on the 29th and it was on a Saturday..... Morgan is 56 and elections where held on the 29th and it was on a Saturday

Mugabe was 28 when MT was born , MT was 28 when Bob came to power in 1980 , MT will take power from Mugabe after ruling for 28yrs

Coincidence?I think not...........

Whose your uncle Bob?

some scary shit

How many men have ever experienced this. You will be in bed or the couch usually alone and then you feel a presence pinning you down and suffocating you. You cant scream, talk or move. Usually someone walks in and the presence just lets go or it lets go of its own accord. All the guys I have ever asked this have admitted to having the experience, usually in their teenage years. It doesn't matter where they are from or what race they are. They all swear it wasn't a dream and as a fellow victim to the phenomena I can vouch to that. Last year I had another run in with the presence and I am now almost certain it is female, dont ask me how i managed to come to that conclusion. If there is someone out there who is wiser to the phenomena please enlighten us. If you have experienced this as well please share, and does it also happen to females?

More agonies of an agony uncle

The people said it, I just post it and this time I will just answer

Dear Kwaki
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my DVD player?
(Get a new DVD Player or new DVD's whichever will cost your stupid ass more)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
(I think I know you)

Dear Kwaki
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
(Because his own is ignorant, thats why)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
I joined the Navy to see the world.I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
(I got married to have sex, now that I have had it how do I get out.... ok maybe yours is a bit complicated, try quiting)

Dear Kwaki
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist a visit an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
(Nice observation, must be hereditary)

Dear Uncle Kwaki
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
(I am just confused here)

Dear Kwaki
My mother is mean and short-tempered.I think she is going through her mental pause.
(Seems like your mental just stopped)

Dear Kwaki
I read a certain Agony Aunties column where she told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
(You got it bad)

mxit

you can now get your uncle on mxit. just invite me the number is 0822285619. advice for only 2 cents a message, or we can have mxit sex.... its slowly replacing phone sex.

The reason I haven't been posting

But seriously people out there can be dumb had a few letters from deeply troubled souls that left even me speechless.

Dear Kwaki

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
(Maybe he will make sure you dont get the evidence this time)

Dear Kwaki

I was married to Lihwa for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
(are you on drugs)

Dear Kwaki

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
(You should get a D.N.A test and while your are at the hospital pass by the psychiatric ward)



Kwaki

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.Do you think they could be Lebanese?

( ahh.... I dont even have a come back for this one)

Incest

Dear Uncle
I think I'm in love with my cousin, your daughter and I read in newspapers that it's natural but you know many things are natural but we tend to keep on acting like they are unnatural. Uncle, dogs screw their mothers (bitches) to produce their siblings who also happen to be their children and the last time I interviewed a dog it said it was natural. Also this other sexpert named Drog (a dog as well) told me that it isn't anything new for cousins to feel attracted to one another,especially when they didn't grow up together. Should I whip my cousin uncle or should I spare the rod for some other child who deserve it?

Kasie

Dear Kasie

This has to be the most disturbing confession I have ever heard; not that you are attracted to your cousin, but the fact that you can have conversations with dogs. First and foremost what is natural to dogs isn't so natural to us, unless you have the urge to eat your vomit and smell other peoples assholes [although you did write that book " Taste of my vomit".... Hmmm]. Reality though is you are not the only one who has these urges, porn in the 70's and early 80's usually ran the incest theme and if we were all to be honest with each other; the truth is our early experiments into intimacy were usually with our cousins. Now as to the matter at hand, you already know she is your cousin irregardless of the fact that you didn't grow up together; had you whipped her before you knew that, you wouldn't seem like a pervert. Sorry I don't make the rules society does, but society also does say you should keep it within the family so maybe you should go for it considering this might be your only chance to get some. The only problem I have is that she is my daughter, so agony uncle aside if I see you anywhere within a 360 degree radius of her I am going to shove a hot copper wire down your pee hole till it's bladder deep and castrate you with a blunt rusty knife.

Remember Kwaki is your uncle

PS - Stop talking to the K9 species, or you will end up drinking from the toilet bowl.

Missing friend

Dear uncle Kwaki
I have this friend hu has just disappeared from the face of the earth, the last i heard he was in venda but now i'm not really sure since i haven't heard from him in days or is weeks i'm not too sure.I even suspect that maybe he has been adapted by aliens or maybe the parts ppl finally got him and took his manhood...Pls tell me what to do to find my friend, shud i start calling all the mortuaries or contact every police station and start printing out posters. I'm getting worriedYours sick with worry
Ms D

Dear Ms D
Your friend sounds like a great guy and I think your letter to me shows that you might possibly have deeper feelings for him, I suggest the next time you see him shag him and I promise you he will remember to be in touch. He sounds like a sexually appreciative handsome fella and so when you shag him dont ration out the pussy, give him your all ..... fetishes included. His manhood sounds like an impressive tool for people to want to kidnap it so I would suggest you worship it. Dont worry he is probably still alive thinking of why the hell he never shagged you before he left Nelspruit.

Kwaki

I feel special

Have been away for a while, I just couldnt post at the UNIVEN computer lab it being so slow and all. Its nice to know people do miss me sometimes kind of eases the stress I am going through with my girlfriend right now. So remember back in the days when the war between men and women took a musical side. One of them would throw a punch and the other would reply. This saw us having to endure leeches whose fame depended on the sucess of more creative artists. When taht girlie group released no scrubs some guys who called themselves somekind of thieves released no pigeons. Recently the trend has reappeared and when Neo spilled his guts out on "So Sick" some woman claiming to be the lady of Neo's creativity replied him. Sean Kingston talked about beautiful girls and whatsername started singing about beautiful boys. DJ Cleo did Sis'ngihamba nawe and Arthur...wait thats another issue alltogether. Anyway remember that email I posted on my blog some time ago about installing Wife as an operating system, guess what they came up with another one

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

I know what you're thinking...

You are probably thinking I had aproblem with fingerprints again eh; wrong, the internet this side is so congested I couldnt even log in to blogger or post comments. Dont have anything to say really just letting you guys know I am still alive, no one has robbed me of my body parts yet.My greatest fear when moving this side was that I had just watched an episode on special assignment about how some guys where standing trial for robbing body parts for vodoo purposes, among them was a priest (which gave me a damn good reason not to attend evening prayers on campus). I have been doing a little investigative journalism by walking the streets of Thohoyandou at night all alone and have met a few suspect characters one of which visibly had a knife in his pocket, but none of them seemed interested in me. I guess my body parts have been used so much they are probably worth nothing.

Later

Tying the knot

Marriage is made out to be this neccessary evil that we have to go through and since I have never been hitched myself I cant say much about the topic but there are people who believe that every man should get married at some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life! I am not really thinking about getting married anytime soon but my decision to go back to school was largely based on that possibility. I just wanted something to fall back on in case my alcohol induced business ideas fell through because women are demanding. The only reason you may have seen me walking hand in hand with my girlfriend at Balfour Mall was because I was afraid if I let go of her hand she would start shopping. In the words of Oscar Wilde "Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others."

Jealous lover.

Since no one has been approaching me with their problems of late, I decided to go around blogland looking for problems and lucky me the "caricaturist" had a cry for help on tjo-tjo-tjo. And I quote -

"so after numerous heartbreaches and being quinea pigged by men. Shame on me mind you. i dcided to take a backseat on life and sorta let it past me by. figured some getting to know me would do me good, cos very soon the bio-clock is gonna get on the grind and we need to sift through the riff raff a.s.a.p. But now, for us (that being me myself and i - i prefer to think of myself in the plural its more holistic. thank the greeks) to be able to do this efficiently, we need to know ourselves to better understand what is best for us.



so then in my disinterest in fly-by-night individuals, i dcided to develop a very mild case of antisociability. figured we'd be come a hermit (actually recluse is more befitting) for a while till things snapped back into order in the brain.



anyhow, so now this random person happens to develop feelings for little old me n sorta refuses to acknowledge certain life pattern changes i have become accustomed to. anyway


so now i dcide that okay. i'm gona give this dude a chance, BUT, this time our blinkers are coming off and we gonna make sure that everything is under the scrutiny of tyler perry.

so anyway, i go do the lets give u a chance thing and the next thing i hear is that well if you dont get rid of all your guy friends i cant date you?!


like hullo???!!! u do realise that i had a life before you and it involved me and my guy friends...so err exactly who are you?? okay ya, u the boyfriend, mara how long have u been around for?? u cant just expect me to ditch the crew just so ur security issues can be sorted. anyway. please let me know what's cracking anyone who has the idea.BLACK MEN HELP!!!! n the white guy too."

Dear caricaturist

Men are all the same, black, white, green etc. The problem is that usually guys who know they are dating beyond their league will always have insecurity issues. The thing is first and foremost the guy knows for a fact that your male friends are attracted to you, do not question this as it is true. I have many female friends but I admit that I didnt always want to take the friend route I just happened to find myself there and I am just waiting for their boyfriends to slip up so I can get in a "shoulder to lean on fuck". I also admit to having suffered from such insecurities in the past until I began to understand the one track relationship mentality women have as far as guys go.
Unfortunately this is a problem with no simple solution but I will tell you this. Do not compromise who you are for anyone, the sooner you understand that for yourself the stronger the foundation for your principles. In the end you wont settle for anything but the best and when you meet a guy who understands that about you, he will never have a problem trusting you because you have firm ground to stand on.

Kwaki

PS - Unfortunately for all the ladies who might read this and think I am a great catch, sorry I am already taken by someone who helped me reach the level of understanding I am at now.

If you have a word of advice please post it on her comments page.http://tjo-tjo-tjo.blogspot.com/

Points to ponder

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Career change

The reason I havent been posting is because they introduced a new security system at the student comp lab which requires finger print identification, as it would seem I dont have fingerprints. They have been tring to include me for the past two weeks and despite every effort I dont seem to be able to satisfy the scanner, I dont have fingerprints. I can see them when I look at my hand but masturbation must have eroded them somewhat coz the scanner just aint reading them. I thought it was a myth that masturbation eroded your fingerprints but I guess there is some truth to it afterall, makes you wonder what other urban legends based on masturbation are true. Will I go blind next, or maybe grow hair on my palms????? This scared me to the point of visiting my girlfriend last weekend and getting in a good two months worth of shag to the point that she chased me away. It worked though today I got my fingerprints scanned and am back to blogging, so for now I have somthing more constructive to do with my hands. Too bad I dont have a computer in my room but if all else fails and I go back to masturbating I might just start a career as a criminal, they will never be able to pin a robbery on me based on fingerprints.

Whose your uncle???

Whats in a name...

When I was in Swaziland my name used to get me laid a lot, it was the greatest pickup line.
Me - Hi, my name is Lihwa
Her - Unique name what does it mean?
Me - Translated from Sotho to Swati it means Likhwa
Her - Do you know what that means in SiSwati?
Me - No
Her - Its a handsome guy who is loved by women
Me - Stop it youre making me blush
......and the next thing I know she is screaming it while we fuck.
The thing I forgot to mention in Swaziland was that my name translated to Swati actually meant Lifa, which is inheritance/heritage I am not quite sure.
Have you ever noticed that some parents give really optimistic names, I remember I once learnt with a guy called Handsome who was far from being that. My high school bully was called Musa, but he never showed me mercy, and Angel turned out to be the kind of girl her mother always warned her not to play with.

Kwaki

Strike

Well the bored students of UNIVEN decided to go on strike today, conveniantly during my lesson. They are complaining about some guy stealing a few million rand meant for the students, as if marching around and vandalising property will bring it back. This just might mean a longer easter weekend than anticipated. Now I just have to decide where to go, visit Nelspruit and enjoy over a couple of drinks with the diva or go to Joburg and enjoy over a couple of shags with the girlfriend ....... tough decision there. Am using internet cafe since they closed the student computer lab and my time is up, later

Whose your uncle??

Sex and marriage

Scientists have discovered a food substance that reduces a womans sexual drive by 90%, the wedding cake. I got an interesting email today and seeing as no one in blogland seems to be having any problems I decided to post it instead.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365times. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching soapies
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times y you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING....... TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and some one kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was runny
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion afterthinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on T V

Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Well I guess there is always two sides to every story, by the way Venda is cold today.

Virgin..

Dear Kwaki

I am a teenage girl who recently matriculated and am now studying at University, the thing is I am a virgin and truthfully speaking the thought of sex scares me and I find it disgusting. I hear my friends talking about it all the time and sometimes I am forced to lie because the only thing I have ever done is kiss, which I enjoy a lot. Am I normal ??I consider myself to be quite attractive and I have been getting lots of attention from fellow male students and there is one I am interested in, what do I do????

Virgin

Dear Virgin

For a while there you got me thinking I had got an e-mail from Richard Branson until I read your message. I am impressed you even survived high school without losing your virginity from what I hear some kindergarden kids have more experience than you. Anyway the way you talk about sex I presume you expected that the first guy to chow you would use a fork and knife. Sex is disgusting, it was meant to be enjoyed that way. It is a pleasurable process which has bodily fluids flying in all sorts of directions, you will get to kiss some guy who has morning breath the next day. That is just the way it is and the sooner you get off your high horse and realise this, the better your first time will be. Bear in mind sex is an aquired taste, it gets better with time and more exploration of yourself to find out the best positions that give you the required satisfaction so masturbate a lot. Be safe at all times trust no one and never do something out of pressure. Usually I am an asshole when answering people but you caught me in a good mood, i just had sex ..... so you see it cant be that bad. By the way if you happen to be in UNIVEN my room number is ..........

Kwaki

My acceptance speech

Won a Kasie blog award for most humorous blog and am still working on my acceptance speech, but my therapist will definitely be included.....unless she sends me another bill this month for her therapists bills. Go figure, I must be really fucked up to send my therapist to therapy. Kasie blog awards aside went to the SA Blog awards site and can you imagine the horror when I saw this "Please note, that due to insufficient nominations for any contest, the following categories have been discontinued from voting: Best GLBT Blog, Best African Language, Best Post about SA Blog Awards, Best Social Upliftment, Most Controversial Blog" OK I wouldn't know about the first one but I could come up with a few nominees for the other ones. Best African language would have to go to Kliffoday for posting his blogs in a language quite similar to English. Best Post about SA Blog Award would have to go to Kasiekulture for his post last year on the blog awards which raised so much debate and saw some of us frantically subscribing to Afrigator with the hopes of being nominated, little good that did us. Best Social upliftment would have to go to the Holy Nigga who turned his girlfriend dumping him because of monetary issues into a church dedicated to the pursuit of money ... OK let me rephrase that, I meant a church openly dedicated to the pursuit of money after all lets face it they all are. Most Controversial blog would have to go to me ..... just for the sake of nje.

Terms and conditions apply

Entering a relationship without caution is like going to buy a cellphone using the catalogue price without reading the fine print. There are always hidden costs and sacrifices involved it sucks. This applies to one night stands as well as I have recently found out, makes you wonder if anything in life is really as it seems. Ahh well, just another lesson I guess. Never make hasty decisions otherwise you might find yourself settling for something you hadnt bargained for. Until later ..... who's your uncle.

Blog awards

So much for the Mzansi awards but here is a little sumthing 4 u guys
Just a simple survey among the bloggers; who is:
The charmer in the group
The pervert in the group
The most inspirational in the group
The most annoying
The one you would like to meet oneday
The one you just cant figure out
The funniest
Feel free to add your own options and candidates, you cant vote for yourself

Load shedding

My cousin decided to leave for Zim and I had to stay behind for a battle of the DJ's thingy and I am currently in the dark literally, he forgot to pay the electricity bill. So poor me will have to make do without electricity for the entire weekend. Ouch

Bootleg porn titles

You have to admit some porn titles are amusing,especially ripoffs from hollywood blockbusters for example the following. Feel free to come up with your own bootleg titles in the comments link......
The porn identity - The Bourne identity
A Few Hard Men - A Few Good men
A League of their Moan - A league of their own
A Tale of Two Titties - A tale of two cities
Assablanca - Cassablanca
Bi-Dazzled - Bedazzled
Booty and the Beast- Beauty and the beast
Buffy the Vampire Layer - Buffy the vampire slayer
Cliff Banger - Cliff Hanger
Done In 60 Seconds - Gone in 60 seconds
Everybody Does Raymond - Everybody loves raymond
Fatal Erection - Fatal attraction
Feeling Forrester - Finding Forrester
Foreskin Gump - Forrest Gump
Glad-he-ate-her - Gladiator
Great Sexpectations - Great expectations
Halloween: ResERECTION - Halloween: RESURECTION
I Know Who You Did Last Summer - I know what you did last summer
Inspect-Her-Gadget - Inspector gadget
King Dong - King Kong
Laid in Manhattan - Maid in Manhattan
Jane Blonde-License To Thrill - James Bond-Licence to kill
Phallus in Wonderland - Alice in wonderland
Poke-'em All: The Movie - Pokemon: The movie
Pulp Friction - Pulp fiction
Remember the Tightuns' - Remember the Titans
Riding Miss Daisy - Driving miss daisy
Romeo in Juliet - Romeo and juliet
Star Whores: The Empire Likes Black - Star Wars: The empire strikes back
Swallow Hal - Shallow Hal
The Bootyguard - The Bodyguard
The Horny-Mooners - The honeymooners
The Loin King - The Lion King

My fate in UNIVEN

Well after a lot of running up and down I am finally registered and I got my student card today which means I can now drink at the student bar ...... oh and attend lessons. Only thing standing in my way now is accommodation. I am thinking of visiting Zimbabwe this weekend so if all goes well will be leaving on Friday morning and will be back on Sunday. This place is still the closest thing to a biblical hell in terms of the weather. Nothing much to say but remember kwaki is your uncle.

I cant spell 'Diarrhea'

I have always defined courage as attemting to fart in public when you have an extreme case of diarrhea, now that takes balls. I remember me and the diva were drinking one day and we found ourselves talking about things you shouldn't do when you have diarrhea and although I have forgotten most of them here are a few - wrestling, sex, watch a horror/comedy, swim in public pool and the comments page is for more suggestions. Ever wondered how "they" come up with such clinical terms like diarrhea, the name says it all - dire rear (he he he), what about menopause - pausing men (hmmmmm) later

Its my fault

I feel guilty for Bafana Bafanas defeat during the AFCON cup, the thing is I didnt blog and trash football as a sport. If you look at the archives during the rugby world cup I trashed rugby in the post 'manly sports' and look what happened, South Africa won. So if you forgive me I promise to give soccer a worthwhile trashing just before the world cup......we might just get away with the cup.

Weekend special

Have been drinking a lot these past couple of days and the booze just doesn't go down the same without the diva to push me to my limits, miss you. Sex on the other hand doesn't easily come to my mind nowadays considering the weather, although I have spotted some potential. Well I will be posting next week to let you know the fate of my registration process so the question still remains......To be or not to be.

VENDA

One word best describes this place, hot. Besides feeling like I am in a sauna 24/7 there is one advantage ...... I now have a good excuse to drink ice cold beer a lot more often than usual. Turns out my registration wasnt finalised and I might not be learning here after all so Nelspruit just might be seeing my black ass again. I think a mosquito bit my dick....or I might have an STD, although I havent fucked since I got here.

I will freak you right

Any freak worth their name will tell you nothing weighs more heavily on the mind than the potential for improper freakage.I am not saying this is always the case but the most mind blowing sex you can receive is usually from the not so attractive ones. I have had sex with some very beautiful people some of them paegent runnerups but sometimes its as if they are doing you a favour and you should be having grateful orgasms because truthfully speaking their perfomance wont be deserving of one. The thing about me is I am not easy to please sexually because I try and satisfy my partners needs to the fullest and a little effort on her part to fulfill mine is very much appreciated.And somehow women also think handsome guys are for show only. So here is the question.Do you think excess beauty makes for bad sex?

Divorced

Dear Kwaki

I am in my early teens and my parents are getting a divorce. I am confused because it feels like when they argue I am suppossed to pick a side and I love them both equally. The whole thing is stressing me I dont know what to do.

Stuck in between

Dear Stuck in between (unless that wasnt yo alias, and the electricity went while u were typing the sentence)

I understand how this can be a confusing time in your life, especially considering that as a teenager you already have enough stress and the last thing you need is your parents adding on to that. However you are looking at this from the wrong angle, since both your parents seem to want to win you over to their respective sides you should use this to your advantage by milking them both for all they are worth. They will spoil you rotten for the next couple of months and if I was you I would stop writing letters to agony uncles and start writing a list of all the things I want. Besides at least now you wont have to imagine them having sex.

Your uncle

Kwaki

PS: There are a couple of things I need as well, I will email you my list.

Serial Killer????

This is the reason Blaq thought I was a serial killer the frist time she saw me. I am not shaving this year until I )*()*^(^(*)*&*^R*)(&&*^$&%*)^(&%&&%#%#!%^%#%#@^

T-Shirt ideas

Ladies, stopping to read this t-shirt will increase the chances of me kissing you by 87%, removing it guarantees I will muff you.
Warning, women passing here may be subject to general inapropriete talk and vulgar comments about the size of their breasts and buttocks.
I can see you are thinking of it so why dont u just do it, my number is 0822285619.
I wrote this slowly for those of you who cant read fast.

And you thought the new year would change me.Today MBTV was holding auditions and I heard there were lots of women present, I wasnt there because I will be judging the screening process and I cant seem to be biased ... of course if u read this and you auditioned, it wont hurt your case to fuck me.(Just joking)

2000 and great

So much for 2000 and heaven. Well let us see what this year has in store for us.