Life

Ever had one of those weeks where death seems like the best way out, Tuesday was hell in more ways than one but somethings are too sacred 4 the internet. To my sister Constance I know I cant be with you right now but I am with you in spirit and prayer.

Later

Kasiexpress

Well my birthday party was happening (apparantly) I wasnt there for most of the time but Blu-Peach held it down, big up 2 Stax and Josh for allowing me to be part of their event. They will be having another deep house session this weekend and tune into BCR for the details. Kasiekulture I read your comment on the Divas blog, all I have to say is thank God those labourous drives to Baberton are finally paying out.

Well the movement is still on and people from Jozi are begining to notice, met Forbes (Mega's manager) over the weekend and he was overwhelmed by the collection of talent so far.

'Please lord may the next caller be female'

Other wise I will be back on a more Kwaki tip, just got an e-mail from my brother which just cleaned all the perversions I may have. Hey man you know I am here for you.

Manly sports???

So the rugby world cup is about to start, or has it started already. If you haven’t guessed by now I am not really that much into sports and because of that most people think I am a gay trapped in the closet. I can’t for the love of women understand the basis of their reasoning but apparently according to them I am not much of a man, I on the other hand think they are the ones so way up in the closet they don’t realize it. What kind of man enjoys watching other guys groping each other’s balls during scrums and what not? Personally I think contact sports are just an opportunity for men to touch other men while still sublimating their homoerotic. Hey, but that’s just me what do I know.

Do you know why women always accuse men of having dirty minds? It’s because they change their minds so often, I mean cant you just make up your mind woman … but let me not make my stress yours. Although you can feel free to make your stress mine after all, Kwaki’s your uncle.

My Prophecy

Don't you just love the benefit of hindsight, fortunately that's the prophecy most of us are born with and then we feel jealous of all those clairvoyant prophets in the bible and their curse of foresight. It's a curse when you can already see the direction in which your life is heading, when you already know about a doomed relationship before you allow yourself to be consumed by it, when you put on a change of underwear because you know you are going to have an accident to avoid an embarrassing situation with the nurse you will ultimately have a crush on during your recovery at the hospital, knowing your life wont amount to anything in advance before you can put in the effort that might change that sad reality ......

I think I'm drunk

Taste of my vomit

Goodenough Mashego's second offering 'Taste of my vomit' raises the bar tis illmatic* in text .... wait those are his words not mine, talk of an ego but unfortunately its true. Despite its rather revolting title it is rather addictive ( which I guess would explain the green bottle on the cover). There are four chapters taking you through the hate he habours within, the different kinds of love he feels, his journeys and the temptations he faced ... (I still cant imagine how he remained celibate in P.E .... buy the book to see what I mean). Then there are the women in his life (and I thought I used to be a player) for a guy who wishes an AIDS related death to all the women he ever dated there is an element of sentimental conflict within some of the pieces which have a hint of nostalgia. The last chapter simply titled R.I.P made me wonder if it was a good idea to be on a friendly basis with this guy considering the number of friends he has buried, I'm sure he has poured more pints 'for the homies' than he has drank himself which would explain 'Shatale', the poem based on his hometown. The reason there are so many thugs is probably because of all that liquor seeping into the underground water resevoirs which feed the Dam they get their water from ... so in a sense everyone there is intoxicated, at least he is coz there is no way a man of sober habbits could write shit this good.

Remember Kwaki's your uncle.

I dont really have a title for this post

There are two ways to win a woman over, either she loves you or you pester her until she gives in. In political circles the same applies, and since no one really loves politicians they use the only weapon available to them, long speeches. Its like those guys actually compete to see who can bore the audience to submission with the longest possible speech. Luckily last weekend the experience was made bearable by the presence of Kasiekulture. Now I know most of you consider me to be flirting with insanity but some people need to have their brains soaked in Vanish Power O2 and scrubbed with heavy duty wire mash. No disrspect there but this guy can take a topic I wrote in one paragraph and stretch it to match Madala Masukus speech without losing your interest. I only pray that one day my level of creative insanity will be that high. Nice meeting you man.

All that aside on the 23 of September it will be my birthday, and although I know most women loathe the day I was born please make an effort to try making me enjoy it. The least you could do is give me head, hey what can I say I love having my cake and eating it. Next week my girlfriend will be coming from joburg and in preparation I wont wank for a week, I plan to come in torrents of froth enough to make an ice-cream machine feel inferior.

All that aside enjoy yo weekend and remember, Kwaki's your uncle.

Trash Magnet

Dear Kwaki

Why is it that I seem to attract only dogs in the men I go out with. Are there any good guys out there?

Worried

Dear worried

The only reason you seem to attract dogs is because you are a bitch (which is the female equivalent of a dog). Other than that the probability is that you do attract good guys but like every other clueless female out there you assume that good guys are boring and you end up considering them as just friends, ladies let me let you in on a secret ... if you want to really hurt a guys feelings tell him you are just friends, that is worse punishement than sticking his dick in a grinder. So stop complaining and open your eyes to the fact that you do have good guys in your life but by the time you appreciate them you will be a washed up old hag who no one wants not even them.

Kwaki

Le Movemento Nelspruit

So our local Hip-Hoppers have been working on something and fortunately for me I got the freebies courtesy of M-zee. Accompaning the CD featuring some great talent is a VCD of which personally I was stunned by Wax Lyricals Video, too bad he has moved to Petoria.

Support the movement, enough talking people lets act.

some places I love

Well my job takes me around and i get to take sum beautiful pics, what can I say occasionaly my artistic side does make a brief appearence. Todays favourite is the Agriculture College in Nelspruit.

Have you ever googled your name?

Well I did it today out of curiousity and got very favourable results even for my alter ego Kwaki, but I cant say the same about my xxx - rated alter ego .... Damn didnt know one dick could cause such chaos. In case you dont know my xxx--rated site its http..... sorry have to go.

Later

PS Blaque has been busy on her blog there are even pics of the diamond now.

Cheating???

Dear Kwaki

I suspect my husband is cheating on me, recently when I was going through his pockets to do his laundry I found some condoms. We do not use them ourselves so I have my doubts about his faithfulness. Should I confront him about my doubts?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous

Doubts???? Lady you don’t have doubts you have got proof unless you want to live in voluntary ignorance, of course there could be lots of rational reasons why you found the condoms in his pockets, they might belong to a friend of his who is cheating on his wife who gave them to him to avoid the same predicament your stupid husband is facing or he could have thought they were balloons since you say you guys don’t use them (in defence to that as a kid I my sisters told me condoms were balloons which would explain all my nieces and nephews). Probably he is cheating on you but then look at the bright side … at least he loves you enough to use condoms with the other woman/women so I would suggest you don’t confront him otherwise he might stop using the condoms all together.

Kwaki

No more Mr Nice guy

Thats all I can say for now.

Dear Uncle

Dear Kwaki

My life is at an all time low, it seems like Gods plan is against me. I seem to fail in everything I pursue. I have tried taking my life many times but that has only landed me in hospital with brutal injuries or getting my stomach pumped, what should I do.

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous aka Loser

Gods plan is not against you, the thing is you are probably female and whenever you tell God you want something he naturally assumes you mean the opposite. You would be better off praying for poverty and failure, he just might grant you the opposite. Anyway if all fails there is always the thought of someone worse off than you, I find watching the news particularly heart warming there is always bad things happening to other people and sometimes there is the occasional graphic murder and some really gut wrenching pics of abnormal stuff in life. So be glad you are not them unless you were serious about the suicide thing in which case you really are a failure, you cant even get your own sucide right.

Kwaki

The freak test

"Have you ever . . ."
1)
French kissed (tongued)?
2)
been on a blind date?
3)
had or given a love bite?
4)
engaged in foreplay?
5)
read a pornographic book or magazine?
6)
masturbated to a picture?
7)
sucked an MOS’s breasts or had your breasts sucked?
8)
seen a pornographic movie?
9)
gone skinny-dipping with a MOS?
10)
committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)?
11)
masturbated?
12)
purchased contraceptives?
13)
engaged in foreplay for more than two hours consecutively?
14)
been shopping inside a porn shop?
15)
showered or bathed with a MOS?
16)
shaved your pubic hair?
17)
committed an act of voyeurism?
18)
had sex with a virgin?
19)
had sex in a car?
20)
had sex outdoors?
21)
experienced a lap dance?
22)
gone to a strip club or porn house?
23)
performed a strip tease for a MOS?
24)
met with someone for sex only?
25)
had sex non-stop for an hour?
26)
interrupted a couple having sex?
27)
jerked off or fingered by a MOS?
28)
jerked off or fingered a MOS?
29)
photographed a MOS naked?
30)
been naked in photos taken by a MOS?
31)
given oral sex to a MOS?
32)
done 69?
33)
had sex in three or more positions?
34)
experimented sexually before puberty?
35)
been caught masturbating?
36)
masturbated with another person in the room?
37)
watched another person masturbate?
38)
watched another party have sex?
39)
had sex in a public place?
40)
had sex during menstruation?
41)
gotten a woman pregnant, been pregnant?
42)
(arranged, had) an abortion?
43)
have a child or children?
44)
had a V.D. test?
45)
had a V.D.?
46)
orgasmed three or more times in one night?
47)
travelled over 100 km just to get laid?
48)
cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
49)
picked up a stranger for sex?
50)
had sex with someone you met online?
51)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 10 years or more?
52)
had sex with a MOS with an age difference of 20 years or more?
53)
put an inanimate object up your vagina or anus?
54)
had anal sex?
55)
had sex in front of a third party?
56)
had an alcoholic drink?
57)
been drunk?
58)
used alcohol to lower a MOS’s resistance?
59)
had an alcoholic blackout?
60)
smoked tobacco?
61)
smoked pot or hashish?
62)
used LSD, PCP, heroin, or Mushrooms?
63)
used cocaine?
64)
used three or more recreational drugs in one night?
65)
been arrested?
66)
been convicted of a crime?
67)
accepted money to remove any clothing?
68)
Screwed on the first date?
69)
had a threesome?
70)
had a foursome?
71)
screamed or moaned the wrong name during sex?
72)
rimmed a partner?
73)
Sought out a prostitute or gigolo?
77)
engaged with a prostitute or gigolo?
75)
had sex with two M’sOS at the same time?
76)
had sex with two different people separately in a 24 hr period?
77)
videotaped yourself having sex?
78)
accepted money to perform a sexual act?
79)
gave or received sex with a strap-on?
80)
slept with a married MOS?
81)
been engaged?
82)
been married?
83)
had sex with a friend of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
84)
had sex with a relative of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse?
85)
had sex with more than 10 different people in your life?
86)
had sex with more than 30 different people in your life?
87)
had sex with more than 50 different people in your life?
88)
had sex with an unconscious person?
89)
been propositioned by a homosexual?
90)
accepted?
91)
kissed a member of the SAME sex?
92)
been masturbated by a member of the SAME sex?
93)
been orally stimulated by a member of the SAME sex?
94)
had sex with a member of the SAME sex?
95)
lived in a threesome (sex with 2 others) for a month or more?
96)
been involved in an orgy or swingers party?
97)
engaged in bondage?
98)
engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment?
99)
engaged in group (5 or more people) sex?
100)
made a list of all the people you slept with?

MOS - Member of Opposite Sex

Lucky number 5

Have you ever realised that all women claim to have slept with only 5 men? Ask any woman about her past lovers and she will usually tell you its five, now ask any guy about their past lovers and they will give you about 10. And no matter how many additional lovers she has had it will remain at a constant kind of like Mugabe's 78th birthday.Women have a mindset that anything in the region of five says she is not a slut and guys believe anything lower than ten says he is not experienced in bed. The human race (defined as men and women chasing after each other) is funny in that regard, women want men who sleep around and men seemingly want women who dont.

Anyway on another tip if you watched American Pie 2 then you should know about the rule of three. When any woman gives you the number of men she has slept with add an additional three, in some cases multiply the number by three and in extreme cases its to the power of three. In the case of guys the opposite is usually true which bring us to the question you are all wondering ..... have I really reached the 79mark? Hmmm.. that is for me to know and you to judge.

Ok so there is no hope for me in terms of a BCB (baby come back) so right now I am probably the only guy who has ever regreted not cheating on his girlfriend, I mean what was the use. On that tip I am making it my mission to get laid this weekend or sooner and may my dick have mercy on whoever will suffer its wrath.

Until then later

"F" the "F" word

Ok so no sooner had I decided to be faithful I got dumped (again) by sms (again) by... yes you guessed it the same chick. It seems to be her thing so I decided to check myself into therapy...self therapy that is. After all I am an agony uncle (although the only psychology I studied was Industrial Psychology 101). So let me be my first patient

Dear Kwaki

I do not know what it is about me but I feel that whenever my intentions are good with a woman she loses interest in me but when they are not I have to use a scapel to scrape them off my dick, is there something wrong with being nice to a woman? Please help!!!

Yours truly

Kwaki


Dear Kwaki (ok this is begining to sound reduntant)

First of all do you realize you are talking to yourself? That being said I have answered your question, of course there is something wrong with you, you bloody moron....stop using your emotions and start using your erections seeing as the latter seem to get you laid. Of course you are not to blame entirely, women are hypocrites they say one thing and do another. There is one fundamental secret to understanding the female species ..... never expect them to act rationally. That being said I know you still love Tru... I mean this anonymous woman you are talking about but ask yourself (which is what you are doing right now-this is getting confusing) is she worth it, I mean just because she is beautiful, has the voice of an angel, a freak in bed and you love her with all your heart (whats left of it anyway) and miss her with all your body .... damn man you messed up our lives, what the hell posessed you to let her go?

Ahhh well

Kwaki

So write to your uncle if you have any kind of problem.

The 'F' word

I am trying out this thing they call being 'Faithful'and despite the beautiful women who occasionaly grace my presence I have made it a point not to indulge. Painful as it may sound it does have interesting results. Women cant stand not being chatted up, even if they dont want you they demand a sense of interest from you. Confusing, but what isnt as far as women are concerned.As 'my hate'said 'I dont even understand myself'.

Ok apparantly I have somewhat of a reputation as a pervert and a freak, even people from Pretoria and Joburg know this......Brand recognition at its best, if you are lost check out my archives under 'understanding marketing'

Of course in reality I am not a pervert just because I am one woman short of reaching the 80 mark (Durex and Lovers plus owe me big time)and I have a porn collection that would make the devil blush(so does Hustler and Private) and have another X-rated blog which shows me as nature intended doesnt mean I am a pervert. Which reminds me the buy the Diva a Dildo campaign is still on .... this is serious people, she runs the risk of losing her fingerprints if she continues abusing her hand the way she is. So contact me and I will give you my bank details and to prove this isnt a scam every donation will be published on this blog.

Anyway later people.

Beer is healthy and I have the proof

I visited the SAB website to find out about the new green bottle, HANSA MARZEN GOLD. They havent updated on it yet but while I was there I stumbled on some interesting facts about drinking.

BEER & HEALTH


What's in our beer?

On average, it takes seven weeks, from barley to beer, to produce a bottle of our standard lager (such as Castle). As the brewing process is a natural one, and cannot be speeded up, this is comparable to other international brands that share a similar climate to South Africa.

Beer contains no fat or cholesterol.

Our beers contain only malted barley, water, hops and maize or rice (Miller Genuine Draft). Yeast transforms the sugars to alcohol, but is not an ingredient as such.

There are no preservatives or additives in any of our beers.

Beer is beneficial in combating heart disease(you hardly ever fall in love when youre drunk), osteoporosis, stomach ulcers, Alzheimer's (how come you hardly remember the previous night) and helps reduce the formation kidney stones.

An entire 340ml can of Castle Lite contains only 408kJ and the same unit of a regular strength brew, like Castle Lager, 465kJ. There are about 1 020kJ in 340ml of dry wine. Fifty grams of peanuts contain 1 230kJ (could you say that again)


An entire 340ml can of Castle Lite contains only 408kJ and the same unit of a regular strength brew, like Castle Lager, 465kJ. There are about 1 020kJ in 340ml of dry wine. Fifty grams of peanuts contain 1 230kJ (I didnt mean that literally)

Beer - the forgotten nutraceutical? (nutrawhat???)

Barry Axcell - SABMiller Group Chief Brewer

The beginnings of brewing are lost in the mists of time. Inscriptions on ancient Sumerian tablets show that beer was that beer was brewed at least 6000 years ago and drunk by the rich through straws of gold or lapis lazuli.(The last time I saw someone drinking from a straw it was because his lips were too swollen from a fight the previous day ... now that is classic) Its origin, however, may be much more ancient and even go back tot he so-called "dawning of civilization" when men moved from a nomadic existence to one of agriculture some 10 000 years ago. Quite possibly the catalyst in this change of lifestyle may have been the realisation that growing barley could generate the raw materials to produce the "humble pint". The is difficult to separate baking and brewing in the distant past as they were intimately linked and in number of languages the word for "bread" and "brewed" are in fact the same.

Whatever the origins, beer has played an important part in human history. In ancient Egypt, King Rameses III was said to have sacrificed half million jugs of beer to the Gods.(I wonder if they had AA meetings in the heavens) An old Egyptian slogan states that "the mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer". By the Middle Ages, beer was seen as very important tot he medieval family and certainly a lost safer to drink than water.(Especially the water from Harare in Zim .... they chew their water) The wife was usually responsible for both brewing and baking.(sigh ... they dont make them like they used to) During this time many monasteries became involved in the production of beer which gave beer a seal of "holy approval".(as I said they dont make them like they used to) The daily allowance of beer at court in Tudor times was around 9 litres! The artist William Hogarth, painted two pictures in 1735 depicting the virtues of beer over gin. The one painting, called "Gin Lane", describes a scene of drunkenness and social chaos whereas the other "Beer Street" depicts respectability and the flourishing of the arts and literature. During the 1800's beer was seen as essential for health and according to Dr Charles Macalister, a consultant paedeatrician in England, teetotalers were looked at as dietetic cranks and sometimes rejected by medical examiners for life assurance on the grounds that they were taking risks in abstaining from what was considered to be an essential food.(I should show this to my medical aid company) In the 1950's and 1960's in the UK a number of now famous advertisements on beer and its health benefits were seen. The classic "Guinness is good for you" and by golly, it does you good", are examples of this. However, from the 1970's onwards, many foods and beverages became associated with health concerns. (And so began the dark ages)

There were new concerns about chronic diseases, especially cancer. Analytical techniques were developed to detect trace amounts of substances present in food that could be harmful. As these techniques became more sensitive, the levels of compounds that could be detected became lower and lower. What was classed as zero 2 or 3 years ago was now quoted in micrograms, nanograms or even femtograms. Now, of course, consumers expect foods to be totally "risk free". Legislators respond to this by adopting the "precautionary principle" and demand levels of certain substances to be declared. As lower levels of detection become available, the more so-called "hazardous" chemicals are found in food. This can de described as the "analytical paradox". Consequently more and more "food scares" have been reported in the media. The combined effect of all this work is to focus on the health negatives rather than the health positives of food and beverages.

So, arguably, for 99.5% of beer's history is was seen as a nutritious, wholesome product that was an integral part of family life and culture. Only in the last 30 years or so were these values largely overlooked. Interestingly, in the 1990's the general perception was that 'you are what you eat'. In other words, the predominant cause of illness was diet with genetics playing a small part. As we moved into 2000's that perception changed with genetics being seen more as the dominant player in causing illness with being seen more as the dominant player in causing illness with diet being relegated to a much lower percentage. More and more evidence is again accumulating on health benefits of moderate beer consumption.

What was originally called the "wine paradox" has been widely shown to be due to alcohol. Alcohol can protect against heart disease in number of ways:

It can inhibit atheroschlerosis by increasing levels of apolipoprotein A-1 and by increasing levels of high density lipoprotein (HDLP).
Thrombosis (clotting) can be inhibited through lowering of fibrinogen, lowering platelet aggregation and increasing the break-up of clots.
There is a general reduction of stress and coronary arteries are dilated.
There have been many clinical studies worldwide carried out in the last 5 years that support the above observations. Recently (December 1999), Rimm et al (Harvard School of Public Health) in the British Medical Journal published an overview of coronary heart disease research that took a statistical review of clinical studies worldwide. This research showed that 30g of alcohol/day (approx. 2½ beers) increased HDLP on average by 8,3% and Apolopoprotein A1 by 6,5%. He estimated a 25% reduction in the risk of coronary heart disease as a result of this alcohol intake over the control groups of abstainers. Beer of course is ideal for moderate alcohol consumption because of its relatively high water content and low alcohol levels. (???????????)

During the malting process, whereby barley is germinated and kilned under controlled conditions, a number of important nutrients are formed. For example, the folate (a vitamin) content of malt increases sixfold. Sprouted cereals have long been seen as a nutrients food so it is not suprising that much of their goddness is carried through into the beer itself.

Very recently a number of hop compounds have been shown to exhibit anti-cancer as well as anti-cancer as well as antioxidant properties. Preliminary studies have also indicated that hop compounds may be important in preventing osteporosis, ulcer formation, cardiovascular disease and may even protect against liver disease. There is also a growing body of evidence that phytoestrogens derived from hops in beer are beneficial to health for both men and women.

All this evidence is really telling us what has been known for the best part of the last 6000 years: that beer, in moderation, is a wholesome and nutritious drink. This idea of beer as a 'nutraceutical' - a pleasant form of acquiring some essential nutrients can build on this foundation and re-position beer as THE alcohol drink of moderation. If you can live longer and healthier by savouring this 'golden nectar', what an added bonus! (Now all I have to do is convince my boss to remove that water dispenser thingy and put a Keg)

Now that just confirms what I have known my whole life ... watch this space for the new green bottle. I am trying to get SAB to sponser me with their first batch of the green hansa so we can make an unbiased report with the whole gang.

Otherwise on a personal level I dont understand most of the words used up there but it sounds scientific enough to be true.

Later

PS-All the parts written in red are mine. The rest you can find on the SAB website.

Awe...

Weekend update in brief
• 10 people can fit into a Toyota Tazz
• What goes around comes around
• You cant party when you are sober
• I still cant believe she is only 16

Ok I better elaborate on the last one before I get arrested for statutory rape. I met this girl who came over to our usual hangout spot with her cousin, we got to talking and then suddenly the age issue comes up and then she told me she was 16. Now the only thing 16 about her was the reaction she invoked in the guys present, I am talking a 16cm hard on if you are normal, 16inch if you’re a donkey and 16mm if you are female … yeah she turned some females on as well.

Agony uncle, the thought has crossed my mind and I was wondering how I would respond to those that came to me looking for help. I could make a fortune out of peoples problems seeing as women only see me as a shoulder to cry on. Ok ladies you have my heart now if you don’t mind my body is willing to negotiate a swap.

I am a little tied up for the meantime but I will try to update when I get the chance. Walked into the office today after a long break and guess whose at reception, MY EX. Watch this space.

Later

PS If you have a problem, or just suffer from a disorder that makes you create non-existent problems or if you are a problem yourself and you think things are so bad they cant get any worse … holler at me and I will prove you wrong, I will make them worse.

And then there was jozi

Friday decided to go to jozi on a whim just to go see the girlfriend who dumped me via sms, came back on Sunday because I was broke but managed to get myself undumped in the process. While I was there I remembered the reason I left Yeoville in the first place (from my previous blog) and I realised that running from a place doesnt erase the past.

The rain may wash away the blood stains but the pain will still remain, forever forged in my brain. This blame I inflict on myself keeps piling up like books on a shelf and when I close my eyes all I can see are these looks for help. The tears in their eyes are like acid to my my mind dissolving all sense. My present feels like past tense, moving foward in motions but my emotions are trapped back in that time and these thoughts keep replaying in my mind like a bad rhyme.

So anyway Monday Sasco had a birthday at X's place and I was drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks (exercising the liver, the green bottles arent much of a challenge these days) and well it was interesting. Didnt pass out and wake up with a naked chic like the last time ... ahhhh,the good old days.

Anyway as you can see from the random senseless writing my mind isnt exactly here, I am writing exams soon and I am still thinking about how I should study.