Last day of the month

So today is the end of February which means some of us are worried about rent and all those bills. Some people who were born on a leap year have understandably more pressing issues to worry about but hey...what are the odds of that(one in four). To those of you who have radios and are within a 100km radius of Barberton, listen to BCR as from tommorow and tell me what time my good friend Kliffoday is on air. Mail me your answers to lihwak@gmail.com or call 0822285619 and you could stand a chance to party with me(if you are female your chances increase considerably) ... ohh and Kliff just might make an appearence.(hopefully not)

Anyway celebrities aside arent you just glad the so called month of love is over, for a month with so few days it really does take its toll on the pocket....and "they" say you cant buy love.Ever realised how women are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. For those of you who werent so lucky this month, shame on you.(Were you expecting advice or words of inspiration?)At least I did do you guys a favour I killed Cupid so dont worry about spoiling your so called beloved next year, spoil me instead. I accept VISA....



Later

Win a mazda

So Mazda is running a competition on my blog, if you can spot the sleepy student in the picture below you stand to win a brand new Mazda 6, competition date closes on the end of March all you have to do is post your answer and your name + contact details in the comments box and the car could be all yours. Each participant is limited to one answer. Good luck ..... you will need it.

Am I in love

I have never been one to lie about the things that matter and the unfortunate thing about the way things have turned out has proven to be some poetic justice of some kind. There was a certain girl who I did not love at first but pretended I did until in actual fact I fell for her. By then she was falling out of love with me ( with the help of some other guy of course). By the time she felt nothing 4 me, my feelings had blossomed to the point of obsession. In a stupid act of selflessness I listened to ‘they’ and let her go with the stupid belief that if its meant to be it will come back..and all that other bullshit. So far she has come and gone back to lots of guys, me excluded and although my heart has hope my head has reason. Love may be blind but I am not and I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out she does not want me. But although I am no longer in love with her fact is I love her for the simple fact that she made me feel things no other woman had been able to before her. I never knew the thin line between love and hate until I met her, and for the first time in my life I felt that heart wrenching emotion called jealousy. Then it sank, I do feel after all and with that the flood gates to my emotional barrier were opened and a whole charade of emotions began to gush out of me. I wasn't the calm collected charmer I always presented, I became this insecure unstable pathetic emotional wreck and looking back I can see why she lost interest in me. Then you think that you have learned from your lessons and fast foward to the present time and although the cast has changed the story is still somewhat similar. To make a long story short I am seriously fucked..

Oral sex

OK so we have all read this joke( I would have said heard but have you noticed how e-mails are cornering the joke market ) about an elderly couple whose idea of oral sex is her shouting "fuck you" from across the room and him shouting "fuck you too" and then they get into their separate bedrooms and sleep. If that's oral sex then lots of guys out there are throwing insults at each other are gay... anyway not to be outdone I came up with a poem of my own.

Oral sex

Making love through words
Intimate foreplay in these verbs

Every jingle caresses my earlobes
Before penetrating my mind with gentle strokes

Should I explain the sensation it invoked
When she whispered and when she spoke

Her voice angelic in its chord
Inviting me to its holy abode

Erecting my senses, she strokes my nerves
Naked and shameless, those were her words

She started slow and picked up speed
The more she says the more I need

This beautiful sensation with a twist of greed
She speaks I listen, that's how we breed.

Our satisfaction is achieved in the anticipation
Only when you have none, can you fulfill your expectations


As you will notice I passed 'Yes dear 101' with flying colours, always listen to your woman or at least pretend to. Sweetie if you are reading this ignore the 'pretend to' part. So anyway that is my attempt at poetry.

VALENTINES WEEK

Nice weekend was at afrosliqs party on saturday didn't get too sloshed out of respect, but diva u have too many male friends get some female friends to balance the equation. Anyhow it is Valentines week I am so broke I have less money than when I had no money at all. Am thinking of being a total jerk and get dumped by my better halves until the valentines hype is over then get back to speaking terms with them again.

So we are all anticipating tupacs latest album for this year, is the guy dead or did black people need their own version of elvis??? For those who have seen me and mistaken me for the younger version of 2pac, let me set the record straight no we are not related....as far as I know. Besides I am better looking.

Chappelle Show (Lost Ep.) - Tupac is alive

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Anyhow last week Tuesday I attended the premiere to the movie Catch a fire and its inspiring how simple people live amazing lives, but before I get all sentimental and shit on you I urge you to go watch the movie it is now showing in cinemas countrywide.

Later

Happy Birthday

My dear friend afrosliq diva is having her 23rd birthday today, damn you're old. They say with age comes wisdom, I wish that was true in your case but its a pity that "they" arent always right. Just joking happy birthday gal.... So when is the party?

Another take on relationships

Chris Rock - View On Love and Relationships

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Love is in the air...

....amongst other pungent scents it being so hot nowadays, anyway had an interesting weekend full of love triangles, rectangles and all those other angles. Beer sure does make things more interesting. Any how was thinking of our back in the days love when we would actually make use of the post office to write to our beloved and send them pictures of us in ridiculous postures (kind of like the pics I took of myself) and we would include dedications from K-Ci and Jojo...If you have never sent or received such a letter in your life my deepest condolences are with you. Back then courting was a process, nowadays with the right car and cash you can skip the whole thing and jump straight to bed after the initial greeting....thats if you go as far as saying something to each other.

For the benefit of todays generation I decided to remind you of the old day charm.....it worked too,so dont laugh you are probably a product of it.

Dear Sugar


Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear My medular-oblandata also stops functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization. Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.

Yourz Ever,
Sugar nonoza


And the equally fantabulous reply

Dear Honie

My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.

How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to makeit schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.

My honie, i am missing you very much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.

If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against Diego Maradona. Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.

Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea. You can see my foto below

My dedications to you are :


Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.

Boys to Main - And of the Rod

Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood, Ruise Sugar Baby

P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore



Now that is classic....

Sexercise

So I am considering going to the gym and beefing up a bit, get that beer gut down to a six or eight pack,tri-ceps,bi-ceps and all those other ceps. So as to keep you up to date I have decided to do the before - after thingy we see on infomercials unfortunately I dont have anyone to take pics of me....any volunteers?

Oh and I dont have money for gym membership so Virgin Active if you happen to stumble on my blog sponsor me and you will get free advertising on my blog.

Understanding marketing

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends' approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

moi

Ok so I took a couple of pics of maself and man I am never going to subject any camera to such torture again, lets face it Im just not photogenic.
Ohh by the way out of pure boredom how many of you readers would love to see me as nature intended.

Top 5 voicemails

(a). Hello, you've reached Kwaki and *****. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. ***** likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done.... brushing our teeth we'll get
back to you.


(b). Hi, this is Kwaki. If you are the phone company, I've already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money.



(c). Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.


(d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


(e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached
0822285619.
Kwaki is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again..(ooh)
No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and
he'll call you as soon as he...cums.

Damn, I'm still alive

Sorry to dissapoint you guys but I am not dead yet. Its the New Year, ok maybe not that new considering its the last days of January but hey who cares.
Resolutions?????? OK people on an interactive note I need you guys to give me your resolutions and have you managed to keep them?

I remember making a resolution on the dawn of this year but honestly I was too drunk to remember it. Anyway post your comments its not that hard really, just point the cursor to comments click,write your comment.

Homesick

Ok so its official I am home sick, met some guys from back home at the pool.Here are the pics.

Relationships...again

Out of a lack of creativity(I did warn you that this blog is repetitive) and a request by a dear friend I thought I should dig deeper into the relationship thingy. Considering I havent been in one for almost three years perhaps I am not the foremost expert in the field but just like anything in life "those who talk about it the most do it the least". Anyway sorry for the late post but I had to consult my muse a.k.a Mad magazine (so much for the educated guess).

According to MAD's dating pluses & minuses scorecard the following apply..
1.a. If you talk to him on the phone for hours because he is so fascinating add a plus
b. If you talk to him on the phone for hours because the cops are tracing his call add a minus

2.a. If they stay up with you all night because they cant get enuff of you add a plus.
b. If they stay up with you all night because they need an alibi while their spouse is getting murdered add a minus.

3.a. If they bring you home to meet their parents and announce their intentions to marry you add a plus.
b. If they bring you home to meet their parents and shriek "See told you I am not gay" add a minus

4.a. If he would like to have kids add a plus
b. If he would like to have kids the way Michael Jackson likes to have kids add a minus.

5.a. If he listens attentively to every word you say add a plus.
b.If he listens attentively to every word you say even when he is supposedly not there through tapping your phone and carefully concealed bugs in every living area of your being add a minus.

6.a.If he tries to get you on a date by overwhelming you with flowers add a plus
b.If he tries to go out on another date with you by overwhelming you with a bottle full of chloroform knockout drops add a minus.

If you got even one minus consider ending the relationship immediately, more than three minuses consider getting yourself on the Ricki lake show.If you had six minuses you are dating either a certain Vice President or a member of the royal family,hang in there its bound to pay off.



On a more serious note I think relationships are like barter trade, there should be a double coincidence of wants. Dont string along the other party into believing things that arent there, you are just building on to the pedestal that you will eventually throw them off from. Lets face it if the thought of spending time with them goes down as well as a teaspoon of TimJan (shit that thing tastes awful) then you can either contour your face and swallow it or just spit it out....either way it will still leave a bitter taste in your mouth. If opposites really attracted I'd be having a tall, beautiful, smart chick seeing as I am short, ugly and dumb. Anyway hope that brings more confusion to the situation because in as much as you asked me about what you should do, you already knew what you wanted to and should do....DUMP THE BASTARD PLEASE.ps-did i mention I'm single by the way?(hint)

Britney

Am not dumb enough to post the pics of pantiless Britney but can provide you with a link.

Toots

Sorry wont make it to your graduation party but you know if I could I would have totally stolen the spotlight with my charm and good looks, modesty isnt one of my greater attributes. Anyway congrats my brother now hopefully you will hand over your position as the President of the Lonely hearts club.

Life

The unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time and then what do you do at the end of it all? You die. Now what’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back and spend the last nine months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap. And then finally you finish off as an orgasm!!!

Where was I?

You are probably wondering what had happened to me and why the fuck I deleted all my previous posts from years back. Well keep wondering.

Relationships

Ok so people always wonder why I dont seem to be in a serious relationship, its not from the lack of trying. The thing is you meet someone, you go on a couple of dates and the next thing you know you're in a serious relationship. Only then do you realize that your beloved is actually a manic-depressive slut with homicidal tendencies among other annoying characteristics. Then I find myself back on the drawing board asking myself how I seem to always find myself in those situations. Is it because I dont plan?,truthfully speaking I will probably put more thought into my next beer purchase than as to the person I will share my most intimate and perverted moments with.

There are some criteria most guys use e.g if she says she has only had a handful of sexual encounters most guys consider that relationship material, but when they discover she considers an entire rugby team plus the referee as one experience well the story changes.Me on the other hand love women who love sex, it is when they mislead you into thinking they dont and yet they are fucking the entire country except me that I really lose all interest. I know honesty is a dead art so usually I dont believe anything anyone says, I am honest in almost all that I say but am never taken seriously...hell I dont even take myself seriously. Ever looked in the mirror and held back the urge to laugh at how pathetic your reflection is?

So basically the reason I dont dive head first into commitement like a hobo would into an all you can eat buffet is the simple reason of the cow and the milk. You see even if you buy the cow, there is no guarantee that you will milk it even if you do probably you are not the only one milking it. So if you can milk someone elses cow minus the cost of maintaining that cow, arent you getting a better deal?